Moral dilemma-affair

[Raccoonsatemyscones]

I have just found out that my parent is having an affair. They have been married to my step parent for a long time and I consider them a parent also. I know if I were in step parents shoes I would want to know but they are in their 70's and health deteriorating (though nothing serious/imminent) I feel sick at the thought of destroying their marriage/our family but also don't feel right keeping it secret. Feel like I want to confide in my sibling and discuss how to approach but not sure if I should lumber him with it too.

Any suggestions how to approach it. Confront parent/tell step parent/ ultimatum?

Some will say it's not really your business and that you should keep out of it but presumably you've had that discussion in your head and can't stay mum (not saying I don't understand that, either, I'd be similar).

I would talk to parent - not confront - in the first instance. I wouldn't tell your sibling. Not yet, anyway.

I thought about keeping it quiet but knowing it would still be going on and my other parent not knowing makes me feel awful but once I tell anyone there is no going back and it's going to be a mess. Also I got confirmation of affair by snooping which I'm not proud of. Im living here at the moment with my kids which makes it all the more difficult as if I do approach parent about I don't even know when/how I'd do it. Wish I hadn't looked, ignorance is bliss!

Can't you talk to the parent that's having the affair?
Sounds miserable if you're living there

That was my plan, I don't think I would be able to tell step parent, they are totally devoted to parent. Just don't even know where to start.

When can you move out?

Not for a good while, got my own bloody mess to deal with and nobody to talk to about it. I don't know whether to be vague and say 'I know about you and x' and hope that is enough to make them break it off/Call time on the marriage. Have a feeling it will just make living arrangements unbearable and parent more secretive. Both parent and step parent seem happy so I could just say nothing but I feel guilty even thinking about it, it would be the easy option for me but that's not to say it's the right one.

I don't know
I would be tempted to keep stum about it whilst you're living there. You talking to them is not going to make them break it off.

I take it the person having the affair is your parent?

Yes, completely unexpected in that they are always very 'moral'. I think that may be for the best but not sure I can do it. The affair is very unlikely to become a relationship due to the nature of how it has come about/who the person is. I just feel do sad for my step parent who is non the wiser.

I would let your parent know that you know.

Well if you think it can't turn into anything
Ie the other person is married too
Then I would talk to them, if it's been a big secret they probably are in a bit of a state of non reality.
Maybe a dose of it might be good.
BUT
I wouldn't admit to snooping. That's a whole other can of worms. Is there any way you could of accidentally found out.
If your stuck living with your parent and they found out you snooped they might feel betrayed and ask you to leave

I overheard parent on the phone and then found out by chance they'd lied about who they were speaking to after I borrowed their phone (with their permission) so I could say about that but leave it vague so they can't try and talk their way out of it. I don't think I'd be thrown out regardless to be honest, we have always been very close. My worry is that it will carry on but they will be more careful or what if parent says they won't end it, what do I do then?! Either way I feel it'll damage what was a very close relationship. I'm going through so much awful stuff right now and my parents have been my only support.

Parent having affair is in their 50's I wish I could pretend I don't know but I'm not sure I can, especially knowing who they are having the affair with. The only thing stopping me is thinking of the feelings of step parent who is in their 70's.

God, you live with them and they are 70+
I’d forget I ever saw anything

If your (presumably) mum is in her 50s and your stepdad in his 70s then she may be staying with him for his sake but satisfying her needs elsewhere. They are a generation apart and that has become obvious. Not excusing it but she may feel unable to leave.

I would keep quiet until you move out and then talk to your mum.

Honestly I'd leave it. Forget you know.

Is it possible that it's an affair just for the purposes of sex because step parent cannot/doesnt want that aspect of their relationship any more with their deteriorating health. If it's that, then for all you've know the step parent may even have agreed but doesn't want to know details about it, hence the lying on the phone.

How horrible to find yourself mixed up in it though, I wouldn't know what to do about it either. I think a calm chat with parent would have to be the way to go, don't go in angry though, maybe a surprised and confused approach.

I wouldn't say anything but if I was in SP's position I wouldn't want to know.

If you're in your 70s, would you really want to go through divorce when you haven't got time to start again? Better to live out your days not knowing. Maybe they already know and are turning a blind eye because they don't want to deal with it. Let them have the dignity of being able to do that in private.

I also think how you found out matters. If you snooped, I'd consider it non-admissible.

I wouldn’t be able to not say something. Maybe that’s just me, but if either of my parents were cheating on the other I’d have to say something or if either of my grandparents were (they’re closer to your parents age).
I’d speak to the cheating parent first and give them chance to explain (in case it’s a mutual agreement) and then give them chance to confess or I’d tell the other parent.