I am trying to work out whether my marriage is worth saving. It would be very complicated to leave and it’s not awful all the time. I just feel I spend too much of the time feeling I would be happier if we weren’t together.
I’m not sure how I want to use this thread. I’m interested to hear about other people’s long term relationships. I know sometimes my mum would have times when she was frustrated with my dad, but it was more occasional and, I suspect, more superficial. Ultimately, I think she likes and respects my dad, which is what I think might be lacking in my own marriage.
Background, the first ten years were difficult. I loved him, but it took him a long time to grow up. By the ten year mark we were mired in emotional abuse. I left and we were apart six months, then I decided to give it another go. Cue four years of being pretty happy, then as the children grew up, things started to go wrong.
It’s not currently particularly abusive, but I get tired of having to guard my boundaries. My daughter is almost grown up and she sometimes points out things I don’t even notice because they’re subtle and normalised.
The latest problem is that our youngest is struggling at school. I don’t know how to help because he’s so far behind where he should be, partly due to disrupted schooling. I was discussing it with H and it struck me just how little he’s helped with the children over the years.
But he is the main provider. His income has allowed me to work towards a new career, but I’m not far enough on to know whether it will really take off. If I leave him, I’d need to provide. A few years ago, I could have gone back to the old one, but that’s difficult just now for health reasons.
I feel my life is deeply interlocked with someone I just don’t like all that much. There are times when my marriage ticks over and is adequate, and other times when I wish I could just get out. But what struck me is that it’s a long time since I’ve felt genuinely confident that I want to be with him.
He did surprise me a lot last year when I was really quite unwell. He was more patient than I has expected, and more supportive. I’m improved, but not sure I’ll ever return to full health. It may be that things will worsen again.
This is becoming a marathon post. Part of the reason I wanted to post was to ask how other people’s relationships were and how much of the time they feel positive, negative, or indifferent. The other part was because I thought it might be useful to have some sort of record, because when I’m feeling down, it’s hard to remember the good times.
So then, the past week... it’s been a bit up and down. Maybe three days of it ticking over without negativity. One bad day where I felt he really let me down. And another three days of mild negativity.
I suppose ultimately, I think I should probably leave. It’s just so many years and our lives are set up so that financially, we operate as a couple, so leaving would be very complicated. I just have to work out if the upheaval is worth it.