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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think we just broke up... :(

20 replies

Beachtime · 08/01/2018 00:34

As the title says..... (sorry this ended up longer than I thought)

I think we just broke up. I know its not the end of the world but I love him so much.
We had a silly argument and he stormed off in a mood, came back and tried to act like everything was fine.

I said he needs to say sorry as he was rude and swore at me and that's not ok. I said that in a relationship you need to talk to each other and he said he didn't like talking and wasn't going to.

So I was really angry and asked, well how do you expect us to work on our relationship if you won't talk about anything?

And he said he didn't know and didn't care so then I asked him if he was even happy if he "didn't care" or if he wanted to break up and if he wanted to he needed to tell me. So he said something about that's what I wanted. So I told him of course I don't I love you and plan on spending the rest of my life with you but we had to talk about things or else we'd just get resentful.

Then I don't even know how we got to this point and he just kept saying that we were broken up and that I'll be so much happier when he's gone and he loves me loads but this was for the best ( Acting like a bloody martyr! as if he was making a global sacrifice for world fucking peace) and i'll be so much happier in the future.... while I'm just beside myself.

He just kept saying how much he loved me but this was best for me - which in itself is ridiculous because I'm a grown woman who can make my own decisions and what a bloody cop out!

If you're going to break up with someone have the decency to have a real reason don't just try to turn it back round on them.

Then he packed a bag and went to stay with a friend and said he'd be back tomorrow to pick up clothes

I don't even know what I want from this... maybe a hand hold? Maybe stories where people have broken up from someone they really loved and it all worked out ok - even if we have broken up for good I know that it will be ok it just feels so horrible now

We've been together 4 and a half years lived together for over 3 (no kids not married no joint assets so no issue of sorting things out at all. I'm reasonably young (mid 20's) and he's older (mid 30's) We've spoken about the future a lot and have been saving for the last year for a deposit and would have been looking to buy this year. We've been really happy up to this point. When we first got together we had a few arguments and it was a bit rocky but we both worked on ourselves and the relationship and the last three years have been great.

Just earlier today he was going through some pictures on his phone of our last holiday talking about how wonderful our life is and how lucky we are and what we have to look forward to this year.

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 08/01/2018 00:41

He is too cowardly to come straight out with it and say your relationship is over. He put the onus onto you. If he does return for his clothes tomorrow tell him to feck off. Take control. Bag his stuff and leave it outside.

dumbolickous · 08/01/2018 00:46

He's a drama queen imo!

Original poster

Beachtime · 08/01/2018 00:47

I think I'm just going to leave.

I guess maybe it's a good thing in a way?

I've really been missing home (I'm from a much bigger city a few hundred miles away) and I've been wanting us to move there for ages but he didn't want to due to cost of living, and the fact that we'd be able to buy in our area soon but wouldn't be able too buy where I'm from.

I'm just sad. Didn't see this coming at all

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachtime · 08/01/2018 00:50

Does anyone have any practical advise with work and such?

We live in a 1 bed so obviously not suitable for us both to stay in!

I'm contracted to 4 weeks notice - my manager is great but its a huge company so I doubt she'd be able to do anything.

I just don't think I can be here for a month but I can't quit without notice. Obviously firstly its massively unprofessional - I really like my boss and team and wouldn't want to do that to them.

I don't have any friends that could put me up and all my family live a long way away. And also not got the money for a hotel.

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 08/01/2018 00:50

Just see what happens tomorrow

CremeFresh · 08/01/2018 00:51

Do You think he was hoping you'd say that you wouldn't be better off without him and maybe beg him to stay?

EvangelineM · 08/01/2018 00:51

Ah I remember this well. I was in my twenties, he was in his thirties. Whenever there was an argument he would try the whole, I'm bad for you, it's better for you if we split or I'm too old for you. Trying to make out he was doing me a favour rather than get a grip and discuss things like a mature adult.

I can pretty much guarantee you that you aren't broken up. He's manipulating you so that now you will chase him and reassure him that he IS the man for you etc etc etc. And the argument will be long forgotten.

Run now and don't look back.

teaandtoast · 08/01/2018 00:54

Does your company have an office in your bigger city, so you could transfer?

Original poster

Beachtime · 08/01/2018 00:54

I did say at the time that I loved him and didn't want us to break up and that if he wanted to break up then it was on him not me - but I'm not going to beg him. I've said it once so he knows how I feel.

I just really didn't see it ending this way :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachtime · 08/01/2018 00:57

Yes - they have offices all over the uk - its a huge FS company.

But I work for a tiny localised team - we travel a bit but don't have anything scheduled away until April and we have to do a lot on site.

I'll definitely ask when I speak to my manager but its very much a case of - if I'm working remotely then the other 3 ladies will have to pick up the slack on site and I've already been off for medical leave for the last 5 weeks.

OP posts:

dumbolickous · 08/01/2018 01:14

Good for you not falling for the theatrics. I don't think for one second he plans on leaving. He's just chipping away at you. You've already made concessions for him (location) etc. Now he wants more. He wants permission to act like a man child. He doesn't want to have to apologise or explain himself. In other words he wants the upper hand. But you've called his bluff! Respect op!

LesisMiserable · 08/01/2018 07:29

I think you're both terrible communicators and its six of one and half a dozen of another..I think your style of confrontation leads a lot to be desired as does he, but you both need to look at yourselves. Your nose isnt clean here - you say you're a grown woman yet you've put yourself in a position of telling a grow man to apologise to you. Thats very patronising. Thats his decision to make. And if he doesnt, that's your choice to end it. So yeh, you're both not doing great at dealing with conflict.

Ellisandra · 08/01/2018 07:56

That's an interesting (unintentional) dripfeed that you've just been off work for 5 weeks for medical reasons.

Has that put an unexpected strain on your relationship? Could explain his behaviour? Many people are fine in a relationship until there's a real challenge.

Ellisandra · 08/01/2018 07:56

Btw by explain, I don't mean excuse!

ClareB83 · 08/01/2018 08:07

I don't really understand why breaking up means you need to quit your job immediately. Unless you can't afford the rent by yourself and need to move Home?

As far as your relationship goes, I remember this well too (me 20s, him 30s, him saying he's not good enough etc). You're well shot. A man who creates this level of drama isn't good enough, you are better off without him.

A relationship cannot be held together by one person - not long term. You can't be solely responsible for both of you.

Stay broken up.

ALLIS0N · 08/01/2018 08:43

You are mid 20s, smart, determined and with a good job. You have a great career ahead of you and plenty time to find a great man who thinks the way you do and treats you with respect.

You’ve dodged a bullet here with this game playing arsehole. You will work out the flat and the job situation.

Of course you must work your notice and not piss your employer about - why would you ?

Can you afford to pay the rent on the flat for the next few months until you arrrange a transfer or apply for another job ? If so, no problem. Man child can find his own place .

RockinHippy · 08/01/2018 15:30

He's a spineless cockshank. You deserve way better that this spineless assed excuse of a man. He's so right, you WILL be better off without someone so emotionally immature

Angelf1sh · 08/01/2018 16:04

Can you stay with a friend or take annual leave whilst you work out your notice?

manon123x · 09/01/2018 11:37

Is he one of those people who makes quick decisions and then has a few days to dwell and realise that he actually wants you?

Sounds like my OH, let him get on with it and don't beg for him to come back or even bother texting. Say what you need to say and leave him to it, he will soon come back realising what he's lost!! x

expatinspain · 09/01/2018 11:49

Some people just can't handle an argument. They are consumed with the feelings they have at that moment and believe it's the end. They forget the rest of the relationship for hours/days/however long it takes them to get out of that mindset. It's exhausting to be with someone like that. You can end up compromising yourself constantly to avoid those awful hours/days post argument. If this is your DP, you need to make it clear that you aren't going to accept this emotional manipulation and stay strong and firm on this!

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