Aibu to cut contact or confront this relative

[Dottie39]

So daughters went to a relative's during the Christmas break for a day. It was meant to be a treat. As it was the father and teenage son had a huge fallout which became violent with swearing and lots of aggression. Throwing plates, glass shattered, screaming. All the things I would never want my children to see or hear.

My daughters were dropped back home,they dropped them at the door and ran so I knew nothing til they told me. They are 9 and 3. The 9 year old had nightmares and tummy ache for days after and the 3 year old repeated inappropriate language. They are both still talking about the awful time they had.

The relative messages a week on to say happy new year but nothing more. I understand they are embarrassed and don't want to talk about it, but I trusted these people with my daughters, it was the first time I had done this as rarely leave them with anyone. The relative is now pretending nothing happened.

My DH wants to tell them they were out of order and get an apology. He also wants the father and son out of our lives forever.
Should I say something, if so what? Or cease contact? The mother there did nothing wrong but I am a little upset she has not spoken to me. I tried to call and text initially to check she was ok but no response.

"this relative" - sounds like you want to confront or cut contact with the one that didn't do the fighting.

So it depends. If it's a good person who was too scared to act at the time and too embarrassed / scared to talk about it now - then I would stay in contact, perhaps - away from the others. Her husband and son?

If she hasn't mentioned it because this is actually acceptable to her, I'd drop the Jeremy Kyle from my life.

Not enough info.
Though I wouldn't ever take my kids there again.

I am with your husband on this.
Your children were frightened and had nightmares etc because of the relatives appalling behaviour.
This has to be addressed and in no uncertain terms.
The mother did little or nothing to protect your children and has to made to understand that what happened was unacceptable.
Your DH is right the violent father and son should apologise then cut them out of your lives.

She is a good person, but would not accept me saying anything against her husband and son. If I say anything then that will probably be it...
If I don't say anything then I am accepting the behaviour and ordeal my daughters went through.

If I do say something, how would you phrase it???

Well, the easy part is that there's no ambiguity about what happened. No argument that one person calls nightmare inducing and another says was just raised voices!

If she invites your over again, be honest - you don't want to because her family fighting gave your kids nightmares and you didn't like the language they came home with.

If she's going to be offended, she'll be offended however you word it - so keep it simple, factual and unapologetic.

I'm surprised you didn't ring immediately when your kids told you what happened. Did you not wonder whether your friend was ok or needed support?

As stated above, I tried to call and text initially but she did not respond.

And likewise she knows what my daughters witnessed but has not apologised or checked on them.

Why did you and DH not go straight round to the relatives house after the incident?
You need to tell this woman that you are very upset at the behaviour your daughters witnessed and that she was responsible for protecting your children at that time and should have called you straight away. Tell her you are also unhappy that she ignored your calls and texts and that in future you want nothing to do with her husband and son. If she wants to stay in contact its up to her. Ask for an apology butcI doubt you will get one.
I really am surprised you have to ask what to say in this situation I would have been round to their house before now and read them the riot act.

I'd probably just silently reduce contact but remain civil on family occasions (weddings and funerals). The dc would never go there again.

I agree with category12.
If it's your mother or sister, I would just tell her (maybe in writing) that your DC are never going there again.
Letting them go again would be putting them at risk of emotional harm, when you know this is a risk.

On the other hand my DC had a range of babysitters and never were at any risk of emotional harm. This is a very unusual occurrence.

If the female relative is experiencing this behaviour regularly then you might want to give her the phone number for Women's Aid.

I have once been in the presence of a family punch up and it is horrible - horrible witnessing that those who are supposed to love each other can be so physically violent to others, the sound of the punches, the horror of standing by. And I would have been older than your DDs.

I would say sorry to the DM but that you don't want to have contact with the DF and DS for the forseeable future (you could say forever but perhaps when your DDs are much older they might see them if they chose to or at family weddings etc).
That's it really.
What the DM does is up to her.

Is it possible that the DM of the family is normally on the receiving end of this type of behaviour and needs help?

If I don't say anything then I am accepting the behaviour and ordeal my daughters went through.

You did try to have your say and were prevented from doing so. She knew you were going to complain and just didn't want to hear it. Or she may be embarrassed and feeling some humiliation that you have knowledge of their 'behind closed doors'. At that point, she cut ties with you, imho.

I agree with category12. If you send your dc there again, they will feel afraid as well as shocked at your apparent dismissiveness of what happened to them before. "Speak with your feet"- your feet are not taking you or your dc there again.