Unhappy and unsure

[liliboard]

Hey
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here I just need to talk and write everything down.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years. We have 2 boys who are 3 and 9 weeks old.
The whole of our time together has been up and down. We've had countless arguments, both been un happy and he has developed depression a couple of years ago. Weve also had some great times! Holidays, nights out together, loads of laughter and happy times!

We've been so so close to breaking up over the last 2 years because of past arguments and basically both being very un happy. I feel like he is just staying with me because of our children. Im staying with him because I'm terrified of what our break up will do to him. He adores his children so much and it would break him if he didn't see them every day. As he suffers with depression which flares up now and again, I would worry he may go too far.

I know the answer to my question. "Should we break up?" Well yes. We're both unhappy , what is there to stay for? I shouldn't just be with him because of his depression etc.
I know.
We have a home and a family and breaking up with him is such a big decision.

I keep thinking about how I could be with someone who is happy with me. Who feels lucky to have me and who doesn't worry about money all the time! Also someone who doesn't mind being silly and will do anything to make me laugh. Who doesn't mind having his picture taken with me and who doesn't have hang ups about his appearance.

I've got so much on my mind. I'm just so low. I don't know what to say to him about it.

Luckily he is happy to talk and sort things out.
Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me or something just so I have something to say "that's it"
I wouldn't even care if he did!!
I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. But then some days I think oh no everything's actually fine.
He's not affectionate towards me which he says is because of how he feels. He's not happy etc.
I find it so hard being with him when his depression comes up. It's such a cruel illness and it's so hard to not come down with him.

Sorry. I don't expect anyone to have an answer. I just need to share with someone.
Thank you for reading

Congratulations on your baby. 9 weeks is not very long for your body to heal. I would look after yourself and cosset yourself for now without making any big decisions. Does your husband help out sufficiently with the DC? He needs to go and get help if depression is causing his unhappiness - it is not fair on your family . He needs to recognise this.

You say not seeing the DC would bring him even lower but might he want 50/50 custody or more if you were to split? You also say he is happy to talk things through. However, it sounds as if he doesn't act on your talks. If he know you need more affection why isn't he working on that? Could he not manage a kiss on the cheek each morning, a hug every evening? Depression is not a "get out of jail free " card for every situation.

Your life is important too - if you would be a lot happier single, then your children will be happier too than living with two very unhappy parents. You are not his keeper. If we all tell you, you have our permission to leave him- I think you would be relieved. Don't let his depression become your jailer. It will bring you down(as you suspect) and your DC too.
If he wants to save things then he needs to be prepared to get help for his depression and start working on your relationship. Even if he does this do not feel you have to stay. It is okay to leave whilst still loving/having feelings for someone. If you do want to work on things, what would need to change to make you consider staying? Could you write specific things down and discuss it with him?