Anyone out there??

[mumsywumsy]

Hi ! I really don't know where to begin or wht could be the problem either and i am not sure if i am in the rt place either ! I am a 36 year old, been married for 13 and a half years, mother of two boys , aged 7 and 11. They are wonderful ! The problem however lies ( i think) with me . I have been working for the past two years and feel i missed out the best part of my working career...my job is ok ..the pay not v good but it keeps me busy ... To give up working for the sake of the boys was totally my decision . Nobody told me to. Now i am ridden with guilt as i feel so strangely ....I feel as though i wud have had a better job and better salary had i worked thruout.. that however is only part of the problem.Since i have limited help at home we have no social life. Weekends are spent at home ....reading or on the internet . I have a few friends but they are all younger than me ...mid 20's and have there own life. My husband is ok with this set up. He doesn't like to socialize much ...MONEY being the BIG issue here .. We have a neglible sex life ...and ...oh dear ....I don't think i am being very articulate ...am i ?? as i said ...i don't know WHAT IS HAPPENING ...........

mumsywumsy - I sympathise greatly, particularly on your lack of social life. Your problem however is obviously compounded by your feelings about work and money stresses (I hate not being able to do something for lack of money - even if I wouldn't particularly want to do it anyway!). It sounds to me like your reactions are normal - don't worry that "the problem" is with you!

It sounds like a change might help - a better paid job would help you afford childcare so you could take an evening class or something and regain your social life. I know that's easier said than done, but have you given up looking for another job?

Finally it's impossible to tell from a posting like this, but is it possible you're suffering from depression? If so you should see your doctor / a counsellor and see if you can find any help that way.

I hope you find something anyway - good luck.

I don't want to sound like an Agony Aunt but nearly all my friends have been made through doing voluntary work - there is a HUGE choice of things to do - with
children/elderly/animals/conservation/local politics/sports - whatever you are interested in you will find that someone will appreciate your time & skills (if you enjoy using the internet what about helping others to do this - me for instance!!). It shouldn't really cost anything to get involved, perhaps your husband will look after the children whilst you do something at weekends?

Also, don't knock anything till you try it, there are bound to be some sort of women's groups near you - try one, you might be surprized.

I moved to a new area 2 years ago, wasn't working, was pregnant with first child and knew absolutely no one, no family nearby, husband working very long hours & often abroad - I just threw myself into everything going & now have a huge circle of friends.

Good luck

PS: Just another thought, as you like reading try & find out if there is a Book Group near you, we started one up in our village & its great fun. Check out your local library.

I would second what Lindy has said, doing voluntary work will not only give you something worthwhile to do, but you will meet people and have something to put on your CV. Also a lot of evening classes are free depending on your financial circumstances, for instance if you are receiving Working Families Tax Credit. Even if you are not, most of them only want a one-off payment of around £25. Again you can put a new skill on your cv and you are meeting people.

Don't knock the net though, I have made lots of friends on Mumsnet and am arranging to meet some of them on a Mumsnet day out. Also, if you post where you live, some Mumsnetters may live close by and you could arrange to meet for coffee.

Sounds like you might be a little down though and lacking in motivation. Try some St.John's Wort for a natural boost. Voluntary work and/or evening classes will also boost your confidence and self-esteem. You just have to try and get yourself together enough to find out what is going on in your area and how to join. Meanwhile keep posting on Mumsnet, it becomes addictive after a while and you may be able to help other Mumsnetters with similiar problems.

Just want to second what the others have said. Also, re. your career, would it help to do some further study, or even take a degree with the O.U.? Is there anyone at work that you can discuss this with? As Rhubarb says, you could take evening classes or you may find that your employer is willing to fund some distance learning and I believe that the O.U. has local study groups.

Does your childrens' school have a PTA that you could join? They often have fundraising events that are also social occaisions. Finally, what about your hobbies? Reading groups are a great idea, and most towns have a range of clubs such as historical societies, gardening groups etc.

I found myself in a situation v. similar to yours although not through having children, dd being only 4 mo. I found the best thing is to decide what you want to do or change and then work out a plan. Get as much info as you can and work out a likely timescale. Some things can be done soon -in my case it was taking up country walking- others will obviously take longer - my degree course was 5 yrs and now dd has put that back even further! I found that it made me feel better to know that things were in hand even if the end result was a long way off. I really do sympathise and I hope things work out for you.

Oh, and I agree with Rhubarb about mumsnet!

Would agree with everything here! Getting involved is definitely worthwhile. If you're interested in meting other women you could try the National Womens Register, it's online at (I think!) www.nwr.org. Very cheap, about 12GBP a year and there's no pressure. They also may have a book group and other social events.

Thanks ..u gals are gr8! Your advice and thoughtful concern is much appreciated ! I must clarify a few things here and mention some more that i left out in my hurry to get things off my chest ...... First , I work full time 9 to 6 ...! I live a good distance from my place of work and spend at least 20 mins -1/2hr commuting ...believe me when i reach home, i just don't want to do ANYTHING! I spend time with the kids , homework, reading, school projects or simply sitting and watching something on TV with them.Secondly, My husband had a kidney removed in DEC 2001 ..christmas day to be precise ..due to a tumour . He has to have chk ups every three months since Jan ..In april they found three more growths in his bladder...which were cauterized..treatment involves injections( very expensive) in the bladder for 6weeks ...now he has to go for a biopsy and anothe cystology ..( i think thats what its called ).He's generally a relaxed sort with not many hang ups in life ...but knowing that he's tight on cash i give him abt 50 - 75 % of what i earn ...then , he grudges me a few things i like to buy ...as long as its for the kids or the house he doesn't say anything ...this adds to the tension and does nothing for my ego ..i try to smile and shrug things off saying ..this too shall pass ..but ...i get lost along the way .. I didn't mean to babble on but i just need to tell someone ...thanks once again for listening !

I like rhubarbs idea of local get-togethers. Does anyone who lives in or near (like me) Brighton want to meet up in the near future?

Mumsywumsy, you really must talk to your dh. I know he has been ill, but it sounds like he is using his illness to do a bit of armchair dictatorship. It is hard for a lot of men to no longer be the breadwinners, he obviously still wants to be in control of the finances. But you must make it clear to him that you work very hard for your money and you are entitled to spend some on yourself, you are not a slave to your hubby and kids. He seems to be taking you for granted a little. Is there no-one you can go out with at the weekends? If you start a book-club you could meet just once a month in the local pub, so all you would have to do was to read a book every four weeks and get out to your local boozer every month. That can't be so hard?

Is he capable of going out himself? Could you join a babysitting circle? You could babysit for other mums every once in a while and in return you get a babysitter when you want to go out. Your local NCT usually does something like this, or you could set one up yourself. Then you and your dh could go out for a meal and talk.

I know he has been through a big ordeal, and maybe one of the ways he is trying to come to terms with it is by controlling you. Keeping you near him. Does he have a counsellor he can go to? Contact the hospital where he had his operation to see if they can organise something for him. An op like this affects people in different ways and I do believe that everyone should be offered counselling afterwards as a matter of course.

Good luck.

9-6? that's more than full-time! well done for lasting 2 years is all I can say. I hope you have a full hour for lunch. I think Rhubarb is dead right about talking to your dh and going out.

Mumsywumsy - sorry to hear about your husband's illness,that does make things tough but remember, you still have your own sanity to think about!

Where abouts do you live - do you mind telling us - there may be another mumsnetter nearby.

Hope you can manage to try something new to get you out and about and meeting new people. Are you a church goer? I know it doesn't suit everyone but you are bound to meet a nice crowd, I belong to two!! And keep up with friends from my old church!

The PTA is a great suggestion as you already have children involved in school. Lots of luck.

Mumsywumsy - just wanted to sympathise. I think we often feel that everyone is more organised or coping or doing beter than we are and it's just not always true. Being able to sound off or joke on mumsnet has made me feel a lot better

sorry haven't been bk here in awhile ....its a big comfort knowing someone's listening..Thanks ALL of you ..i'm abt to lose my job and am getting stuck in a 'rabbit hole' again, if 'anyone' knows what i mean ...is this IT???? I mean when i think abt the BIG PICTURE ...i wonder ...what BIG PICTURE ?? Is this REALLY it ? yet I am here, this is my life and mebbe this is IT .. and now i have to live with it ....what else to do ? eeewww!! i sound terrible ...ignore this if anyone of u is outraged by my self pity .......

Hi, mumsywumsy! I'm really sorry to hear about your job, it must be very stressful for you. I hope that you will find something soon. How is your husband?

hi ionesmom and fellow mums .. my hubby is fine and getting stronger ...i am now at home and wondering what to do ... job or no job at least i still have my family ...pls pray that i have enuff strength and courage to pick up the pieces and enjoy whatever else is left ...Bless U and mumsnet for helping me 'download' my moans and groans !

Mumsywumsy, Glad that your hubby is okay. Our families are so precious, aren't they? Do you have any ideas what you want to do or is it all too new still? Are you okay with how things are? I hope that soon you will be able to see your way to making this an opportunity to fulfil your dreams. Will remember you in my prayers.

I'm at a bit of a loss rt now but as hubby says - take it one day at a time ! I think i need a break ....sit at home ...watch TV ...eat...sleep..."have fun with the kids" (as Carrie, Justine and Rachel remind me when i get a newsletter from mumnet !)any further suggestions on how to 'Un-wind', anyone ??!

Hi! One day at a time is a good idea. I like to unwind by going for a walk, reading (try charity shops for bargains) and having long soaks in the bath. And playing with my dd is just bliss! Hope that things work out for you.

thanks ! i like the soak-in-the-tub bit !! yes and kids do take your mind off alot of things ! sometimes it helps to be reminded why u are here in the first place ..thanks iones !

I've just discovered watching children's t.v. with my dd. She's only 7 mo but is riveted by The Tweenies. I have a terrific time singing the songs and doing all the actions!

I've just had a soak in the bath - feeling lonely tonite. DH works away mon-fri. Anyway last night he got food poisioning and ended up in hospital, he's ok now discharged this morning. But really didn't like travelling home ...plus he's got to catch up on work he missed today, so he's staying away for the weekend. Fed up at work, horrible under current of get the work done or else Kids are in bed, can't face doing normal tidy up etc etc

Helenmc I'm in same boat sort of dh has gone back into work so on my own. I've just been looking at other sites on the web and playing silly pc games. Can recommend 'surfing the net with kids' site a good time wasting game call fill it (and others) recommended by another mumsnetter