Fed up of having to ask DH to spend time with me

[EdinaMonsoon]

DH is always “busy” when not at work. He never organises anything for us to do - either as a family or just the 2 of us - but he has a hobby which takes up 2 evenings & most Saturdays (not a problem) & the rest of the time he is emotionally absent.

DCs are teens & very independent so I guess I am feeling it now more than ever. I - or rather our relationship - don’t ever seem to be a priority. For example, we are supposed to be going away for the weekend soon. I asked him to organise as I have sorted last 2 times. Nothing done, so yesterday I suggest we look for somewhere together. I’m looking at hotels & I see he is on some forum chatting/reading. I let it go because I don’t want an argument. Today, I suggest we go out for a walk at 12pm. He replies “let me just finish this” (he was on laptop). Four hours of waiting, asked him 2 or 3 more times if he was ready yet etc. He is always impatient & snappy. And I end up going alone.

It has been like this for years. If I question, I’m always met with “We spend loads of time together”. My argument is that 2 people in the same space/house doesn’t actually equate to time spent together.

I am literally at the end of my tether. I feel taken for granted, ignored & unloved.

What has kept you within this marriage at all if its been like this for years?. What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?

You feel like you do for good reason. He is not going to change but you can change how you react to him. Do not book anything up for him re a weekend away.

What do you want going forward?.

Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships; that a loveless relationship with an emotionally absent person is their norm too?. You've been showing them that to date this has been acceptable to you. They know that things are not good between you two; they can and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken particularly their dad's antipathy towards you and in turn them.

The light bulb moment for me with first dh was when he said when the dc leave home it will be just me and him.
No thanks mate I'm off!!
When the dc aren't the glue for your marriage what will you be left with?

I kept hoping he would change. There have been times where he has made a bit more effort following a discussion on possible separation. But it never lasts long & is always on his terms. He says he does not want to divorce or live apart. He claims he loves me. I end up feeling like an irrational mad woman.

I see him with friends & colleagues & he is still the same person I fell for - witty, charming etc. But he just seems to shut himself off from me.

I feel desperately lonely in my marriage. And now I’ve written that down I feel I cannot go on.

Op your relationship sounds like mine. DH and I are now getting divorced and although I am really alone now, I feel much less alone than I did when we were together.

Parklives I’m sorry to hear that. Has it been long? Was your split by joint agreement or acrimonious? Part of the reason I stay is because I fear DH will react badly & I don’t have the strength to deal with that right now (eldest DS has health issues & I’m supporting him through that).

I have a gut feeling that, as you say, being alone will be less lonely than being together.

I think you need to bring up separation again and mean it. You're meant to be his favourite person to spend time with, but it sounds like he thinks of you the way a teenage boy being dragged away from Fifa on a Sunday does about his parents!

He sounds like he has no interest at all :( Either that or Depression but either way i would LTB and go live your own life making yourself happy.

Hi OP
I'm sorry for your lonely situation,sounds like you are taken for granted as you say.
You could try developing some interests of your own so that you are not always there to look after everyone else?it might make them realise how much you did for them.
If your dh continues to ignore you then if you have made new friends,have your own hobbies etc,it may give you the strength to take the steps you need to to live a full and happy life with someone who loves you and treats you with love and respect and who wants to share your time off.

PNGirl Your description of/perspective on DH is so accurate.

I’ve just now calmly told him that I cannot go on like this & that I want us to either have counselling or separate. He just looked at me blankly & went back to whatever he was doing. I don’t want to pursue it further right now. If he chooses not to pay attention then he’ll be in for a shock when I see it through.

Karmastar Your suggestion has struck a chord. It is totally impractical for either of us to just leave. However, setting myself a time limit & working on me (as opposed to flogging a dead marriage) would be a good thing to do.

I don’t feel remotely positive. I feel intensely sad & emotional. How can he have so little consideration & affection for me? As PNGirl says: I should be his favourite person to spend time with. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

It wo t help your relationship and how he makes you feel but can you widen your social circle? Try a few hobbies and do what ‘you’ want to do. It may make you feel a bit better. It may also make you realise there’s life after DH.

I think, as others have said, that you need to concentrate on yourself and your own needs/wants. Join a reading group, go to the cinema/theatre (on your own if necessary), look on MeetUp, join a gym...

Get yourself out there, widen your social circle and boost your confidence. This may help your relationship as he will realise that you are not just revolving around him and his wants, but even if it doesn't it will leave you feeling stronger and more able to move on with your own life.

Good luck.

Time for you too find your own hobbies/life away from home.

Why don't you book yourself into a hotel/spa the weekend you are supposed to be away with him. Don't mention it again to him just do it. And use the time to really think about him and your marriage.

It sounds like he has already checked out of marriage and you are now just a convenient maid.

You need to start doing things for yourself. Find interests to pursue...get out there and socialise and stop asking him to spend time with you.

Be independent as far as your social life is concerned .... you'll either find you enjoy it so much and you won't miss time with him or you'll realise you still need time with him and decide you want out of the marriage.

Have you read any of John Gottmans books OP? He's very good. Lots of research over the years, go google his credentials.

Sounds like your DH is 'stonewalling' you? In the vid JG talks about bids, your other half bidding for your attention?

Have a watch: