This is getting ridiculous but I don't know how to stop

[Londonfog]

Separated from my husband a year ago. Very quickly fell into a rebound relationship. I thought I was crazy about him but in hindsight I think I was just crazy. He was fun and I adored him. In the three months we were together he cheated on me twice. He also love-bombed the fuck out of me. Predictably I got dumped, with a long barrage of texts explaining what a manipulative, abusive dick I am, and ghosted about six months ago.

I cannot stop thinking about this guy.

He is so clearly not the man for me. We connected amazingly but even if we ignore the comically bad behaviour cited above, our lifestyles and aims and priorities are massively different. Think: vegan iron-man competitor dating sedentary abbatoir owner. BUT he did have a lot of things I want (and worry I'll never have) - kids, dogs, a house in a beautiful part of the country, a busy social life, a good career.

We are no contact. I have a ridiculously busy life (although not as much of a social life as I would like right now). I've casually dated since. We were only together about 5 fucking minutes.

This is fucking ridiculous but I STILL think of him everyday. I don't know what my brain is doing, I don't want to be with him! Maybe I just want the life he has (aside from the being a cheating dick part...)

I don't know what I'm asking for. Reassurance? Tips? Or just MNners to tell me I'm being a twat

YOu had me at cheated twice in three months!

Yearning for what could have been - except it couldn’t because he’s a cheater. Be glad you got away.

Hmm seems like maybe you need a distraction, you know he’s no good for you but your brain can’t disconnect from him.

Every time your brain goes back to him, try and think of something else. Keep yourself busy.

I have a dude like this in my past. Only lasted a couple of months and I found out after that he'd been shagging a couple of other women at the same time.

I still think about him years later. Ive no idea what it was about him - he was extremely popular, everyone wanted to be friends with him, or date him or whatever. He had a very glamorous life style and way about him.

But he lied A LOT and it came very naturally to him. It was all smoke and mirrors, the amazing connection I felt with him was real for me but it was all based on lies.

I feel like I had a lucky escape that it only lasted a couple of months and I was pretty thick skinned, he has probably left a lot of emotional destruction in his wake over the years.

It sounds like it was an intense time for you and you need time to pass. Think about him but don't glamorise your time together or he'll end up on a pedestal.

It was cognitive dissonance.

You were believing two incompatible things at the same time. One was that he was a great catch (kids, dogs, a house in a beautiful part of the country, a busy social life, a good career) and the other was that he was actually dangerous to your well-being (In the three months we were together he cheated on me twice. He also love-bombed the fuck out of me. Predictably I got dumped, with a long barrage of texts explaining what a manipulative, abusive dick I am, and ghosted about six months ago.)

That was really awful behaviour - why didn't he just gently tell you that you weren't the one for him and let you keep your self-respect?

No wonder you're confused now. You believed these two incompatible thing for several months. That is not mentally healthy.

I think you need (obviously) to keep away from him but also to not get involved with anyone else just yet. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It can be done online, I believe. If you could afford it or if your doctor can give this to you, it would be a good idea to have counselling.

Weirdly I totally get this. Same sort of thing - was love bombed, cheated on and manipulated. I was still in my teens (late) and he was older - I was so naive and ugh, just remembering how devastated I felt after it ended - he kept me on a string for FOUR years occasionally popping up with platitudes and would disappear again. I ruined a lot of hopeful relationships over that dick.

It was over 12 YEARS ago and every so often, despite being very settled with children, I wonder what he is up to. It's bloody weird and never understood it - I'd never go back there and I don't even fancy him, but I guess the rejection played on my mind

@akire I know. Take it as a testament to how much of a mess I was that I ignored it.

@RNbrie sounds so similar! He was a seriously impressive guy but a compulsive liar. It's kind of reassuring to hear it's not just me.

@brilliantdisguise I think you're right. I went straight from the headfuck that is divorce to this mess. I have looked into counselling but I'm kind of ashamed to admit what I put up with and how I still think about him

@buttmuncher the rejection drove me CRAZY. He treated me like that AND got to dump me? infuriating . Glad to hear you're doing well now

So you long for a charmer who will cheat on you and make you feel like shite? Good news! You have a huge amount of choice. Try online dating.

LIMERENCE

and

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

And

AFFAIR CHEMICALS

Go google the shit out of those and you'll have academic explanations which might make you see things more rationally. Once the science around it clicks, you'll be like 'Ah I get it! WTH was I thinking!' and then you'll be back out there with your push up bra and lippy on! 👍

Im so glad I’m not the only one!!
This adds nothing helpful to your thread but you are not alone in feeling like this !

@shiftymcgifty nooooooo I don't want to be with him, he isn't the man for me. I know this but my brain apparently doesn't. I want to know that I'll be able to move on and have a relationship with someone who actually deserves me. Not right now, but one day.