Open marriage or over...? How to explain to him.

[NeverShine4me]

I've been married for 8 years and it's always been more of a marriage of convenience rather than love. We have a child. He was much keener than me to have a child and I suppose my uncertainly stemmed from the fact that I knew I didn't fully have confidence in the marriage.

So what went wrong? I don't think anything ever went right. At the beginning he was always quite embarrassed about sex and rarely initiated it. He is my only sexual partner so I didn't really have much to compare. To start with I think I made excuses, then I blamed myself (but I now have the confidence to know it's nothing to do with my attractiveness), then he started blaming work and being tired and after our daughter it was because we were tired due to that. I asked him to sleep in a separate bedroom 4 months ago and this doesn't seem to bother him. He hasn't even really asked me why.

I think he has issues with initiative and not just in the bedroom. If I notice something is broken eg a kitchen cabinet or a squeaky door I will just mend it. If I want to go on holiday I will just book it. He won't. He doesn't take risks. I'm thinking that I will book a short break for just me and my child but he probably won't actually discuss that with me.

It sounds like I'm not talking or trying to problem solved. Unfortunately I am past that stage. In the past I used to raise issues but he was very defensive. Or if he did accept that we had a problem it would always be 'I'm sorry, but...' which undermines the whole discussion.

So, this is what I want to propose- that either we remortgage the house and buy a flat or small house for me to live in. We will share childcare.
Or, that I stay living in the house but that we have an open marriage and that every other week is a week off for both of us and we can do as we wish.

I just don't know how to broach this. I know that I cannot allow this to continue. I'm 30 and don't want the future to have arrived and feel like I didn't act. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can no longer feel so compromised and my loneliness has reached its pain threshold.

We are comfortable in that we both have good jobs (although stressful. He works part time and I full time) and a nice house and shouldn't really have any worries.

Please help. I'm terrified of telling him because I'm sensitive and I know I will end up in tears if he gaslights me about the lack or intimacy or anything in our relationship other than our daughter. I've had a day out alone today and I've never felt better! Much more confident.

Sorry no I don't see this working. If you have to be with others to avoid feeling so lonely then you're just putting a plaster on the problem. In addition, what if he doesn't want to? Or what if he says he's fine with it and you both have very insecure thoughts about the others activity?
It can break the strongest of relationships and a 3rd(+) person in these relationships will not fix what's already broken,
Only cover it for a short amount of time.
Please don't mess with another person in this way (as well as yourselves)

Sorry I'm not sure I've been helpful?!
I guess what I'm trying to say is; you need to either work things out together or break up.
I've been in poly and open relationships and know others who have to, 9/10 they go to shit because
A- the second partner really doesn't want to do it but is desperate not to lose their husband/wife. Doesn't end well.
B- they both get jealous and insecure and break up anyway.
C- they had huge issues before they even started the open relationship.
It's really, really not going to help you.

I can understand your reasoning for an open marriage, to keep the family until together and for stability but I don’t think it’s the right option long term. I would be considering separation and going from there, give yourself the chance to find somehow right for you. And for him.

*family unit

I agree with cactus, you can’t be in an open relationship simply because you lack the strength to end the one that’s currently not working. If your husband agrees, it’ll be purely because he wants to stay with you and that’s not fair.

It sounds like you need to be brave and end it. He doesn’t have to agree with you that there’s been a lack of intimacy or anything else because he doesn’t get to block your decision. It only takes one person to end it. Be strong and rip off the plaster.

I think the marriage is already over (we aren't enemies but we aren't really friends either) we are simply lodgers who share childcare. I don't even necessarily want to go looking for a lover, just a friend who i can do the sorts of things with that I would with a husband eg walks, cinema, dinner and possibly sex if I connected with the person.

But I really appreciate all the honest posts because you are probably right. It's just such a difficult situation to deal with. It seems so extreme to end our comfortable life and I wonder if it is a lose lose situation.

I feel like madame bovary! But I'm not racking up excessive debt like her.

Step away from the arsenic
Seriously you must have the talk and start the separation process for the sake of your mental wellbeing.
Good luck

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2057605-Please-be-brutally-honest

I found this thread and found it very useful. Sounds very similar to me.

I think making a real proper plan to leave would make you feel great. I knew my marriage was over when I felt a sinking feeling at the thought of him coming home.
Leave honestly it will be so much better. Then you are free to have any kind of relationship you like

I literally don't know what to say ... just wishing you best of luck in at least trying to verbalise your issues and trying to reach a happy resolution for you both... it's a difficult one

And actually i was scared to make the decision as i feared people may look at me badly
It was miserable and eventually he left me but not before sleeping with someone else. It is ok to want to leave

Do you think I should try separation first eg living in another flat/house?

In my experience, open relationships work only where both people on the relationship approach them from an equal position of strength and confidence, within the framework of a secure and strong relationship. They take an enormous amount of communication, trust and respect for not just your partner but others involved with your partner. I dont think they function very effectively as a band aid on a faltering marriage, sorry.

If you cant talk about ways to improve your marriage, doesnt bode well for an open relationship.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Thank you to everyone. Your posts made me realise this is my job to sort out. Feeling positive.