Red Flags

[Ermyeah]

Hi all,

I'm not sure how to start this, essentially I matched with someone on tinder. This was only yesterday, normally I wouldn't really think much of it. It all seems pretty normal right now, two people match, messages are sent talking about anything.

Except, my last serious relationship was emotionally abusive so I'm hyper aware of red flags.

In his messages he's already asking for a date, I've made a joke about it but I've said no - is it normal for them to ask so soon?

He's late 30's and told me his family (parents) live with him, he's also told me why and it seems pretty admirable, but my ex used to tell me tales like this to sound like a good guy.

He's asked me if I'm looking for a husband, I said I'm looking to settle down but I'll see on the husband front but the big white wedding sounds nice, he then started joking about us heading to vegas and getting married - is this future faking?

Should I be concerned or am I over reacting? I could be trying to see things that aren't there, it took me so long to glue myself back together after my ex, I don't want to end up in that position again, I just want to enjoy messaging someone and seeing if it develops, but I think I'm falling into the once bitten twice shy trap. I have dated other guys since my ex and didn't over think like this with them though.

Thanks all.

Suggesting meeting up so soon seems to be common - I'm always wary of this for obvious reasons...

Talk of future could be taken two ways - it's a way of seeing straight on if you are heading in the right direction, but then yeah, he could be future faking.

It's a minefield. But can be incredibly fun!

Is meeting up early a bad thing? News to me. I prefer that rather than endless messaging. I need face-to-face to see if there is a click.
I wouldn't think any of the things he has said are red flags, but ive come out of an abusive marriage so I'm not best placed to give advice on this...will be watching though intently!

He says his parents live with him? More likely he lives with them.

I would maybe chat online for a week or so and then meet up. I find if they ask for a date before you have even chatted how do you know you would be remotely compatible?

Also it depends how much free time you have. Chatting a bit over a week, including a phone call (hate it but tells you a lot) is enough time to weed out anyone weird or dodgy. BUT don't chat all day and night which some guys seem to like. You could be wasting your time.

I much preferred an early date. You really have no idea whether you’re going to like each other, until you meet. Endless messages is a waste of time.

Provided you follow the safety rules for meetings I can’t see any problems with an early date.

Early date seems to be the norm then, I would like to talk to him a bit more though like you said Newrules

Messy I did wonder that

I think I should just relax and enjoy this then, maybe I am being over cautious, thank you all for your replies, flipping, it is a minefield you're not wrong

Agree with pp. Meeting early is much easier. You don't know if there is any chemistry unless you actually meet someone in person. Chatting for ages online is a waste of time.

I messaged someone for a couple of weeks online...sparks a-flying. Great sense of humour, just really clicked and it was so so easy to converse with him. Pictures great, really fancied him. Went on the date - he barely said a word. For an hour!!! Longest hour of my life, like being with an entirely different person. I decided from then on a few messages was enough for me, and I just need to meet someone.

The wanting to meet early is the only thing that wouldn’t put me off here tbh.

The living with his parents is a right turn off, the talk about husbands and Vegas weddings is a big no no for me and massively cringe even if it is meant well.

Above all the fact that you’re questioning him specifically and not other guys you’ve dated says to me your spidey senses are tingling and there’s probably a good reason for that. I’d let this one go.

An early date is a good thing. You absolutely don't want to message for weeks because you fall for the photo and the fiction he's writing and then when you meet and he looks like Shrek and smells like a compost heap and is a foot shorter than he said it's a lot harder to get over than a quick coffee because you go into daft fantasy territory in your head. "OMG I've found someone amazing online and we're going to have this amazing life together..."

Message to establish you have things in common, that he's funny and can communicate with you then meet for a coffee quickly to establish that he's not repulsive. Then you can arrange a proper date.

The early date is the only good thing you've mentioned. Otherwise he's wrapped in yards of bright red bunting...

Him talking about weekends away, planning big trips abroad, talking about meeting family, weddings is a red flag. He doesn't know you. The fact he lives with his parents - be wary of that one - I know he's spun it as them living with him - is a huge red flag. I dated two men who lived at home. They had plausible reasons for doing so in terms of divorce, finding their financial feet but the reality is they were enjoying having dinner cooked and washing done. I'll only date men who live in their own place where they have to run a home, pay bills and cook. I want a rounded self-sufficient human in my life.

Early date is normal, I’d assume the wedding comment was a joke. Unless they’re ill and he’s looking after them, I’d say late 30s and living with parents is a big warning sign though.

You only matched yesterday, so it's still early days. Nothing he's said so far is a red flag - sounds like a bit of banter and bravado.

I think before you do anything - decide upon your boundaries and dealbreakers. I reckon he lives with his parents, not the other way around, quite common these days but a definite deal breaker for me.

An early meet is ok - a quick coffee in a very public place and listen to your gut instinct? If you feel it's a no, then you can pop back onto Tinder..

Good luck, be safe and try to have some fun

A lot of interesting points have been raised, I definitely need to pay attention to my instincts and the things he's mentioned, I may just bin him off, we only started messaging yesterday, it's not worth the head work at this point.

I think talking about a vegas wedding the very first day you've started chatting to someone is a bit much. How long has he been single? Anyone can spin a tale about being a good son who has their parents live with them, but as others have said, it's more likely he's moved in to theirs and is future faking to find his next stepping stone.

I agree that meeting sooner rather than later is best, but surely you want to know whether you're potentially compatible by chatting for at least a few days.

I'd say there were fairly strong amber flags, no huge red ones waving - but keep an eye out

Update, he messaged me today and asked me on another date, I said no, he said (as if I was at fault) that I wasn't instilling confidence in him with my replies, I said how he feels is not my responsibility and he hasn't replied since so I'd say he's gone and I'm happy about it, I wasn't sure about him and I had a feeling something wasn't right so I'm pleased I've stood my ground even if he is a nice guy.

Thanks all for your advice.

For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing.

In isolation I think some of those things could be overlooked but combined I agree with you it was a red flag.

Also agree with the others meetings early is good. Once you’ve ever established a bit of rapport get a date in the diary (within a week is usuallyabout right)

Glad you are happy/comfortable with the outcome

No red flags - just he clearly wanted to crack on with a date (as many on MN advise) and you didn't want to at this stage. Nothing major lost either way. I think men looking for a relationship online are exactly the same as women - they don't want to spend weeks messaging like teenagers when it all might go flat.

I don't think there were any red flags and it's impossible to say re. the wedding stuff if it was weird having not read the convo, your replies, his replies, the context etc.

However there's no obligation to see him either.

I think you did the right thing. I met my now husband on tinder. We messaged for 2-3 weeks non stop before meeting and I'm glad we did. Even though by total coincidence, he was working about 6 houses away from me, we still didn't meet up.

He ended up walking to my house from where he was working and we chatted for 10 mins. My house was empty as I'd just moved at this point and I was handing the keys back.

Then 2 days later we went on our first official date. Been together ever since, had our ups and downs like everyone.

But what I liked about my dh was there was never any pressure to meet. We talked about it but never arranged anything for a couple of weeks, he really took the time to get to know me through messages, made the effort with good morning and good night texts etc. We made a bond that way first.

If I matched with ops guy, the wedding talk and pressure to meet would of well and truly put me off x