Coercive control within a friendship - has anyone else experienced this?

[Poppins2016]

I'll start by saying that I happily ended the 'friendship' and went NC over 5 years ago, however I'm wondering whether anyone else has experienced coercive control within a friendship?

I've never really talked about the relationship except (perhaps too) briefly with a counsellor and with my husband. I've often wondered whether it could be coercive control if the parties involved are in a platonic (as opposed to romantic) relationship, but I guess if the criteria fits, it fits... I've been slightly reluctant to discuss my situation with anyone for fear of being told I'm imagining it/making a big deal of it because it isn't a 'classic' scenario.

I met my ex-friend I was in my very early twenties, vulnerable, had just suffered a break up and was depressed. He was charming, quick to label himself my 'gay best friend' and suggested we move in together (we did).

What followed was four years of isolation, spending my money (long story, not worth explaining), manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse, not being allowed to have my own opinion, be assertive, know my own mind or do things/go to places as I wished.

I wasn't allowed to eat the food I wanted (we ate the same meals, his choosing of course) and I was 'encouraged' to go to the gym by being called 'fatty' (I was a size 10/12... I became a small size 8).

I lost several new and old friendships. Thankfully one of my oldest friendships survived.

When he found out I was depressed and suicidal towards the end of our friendship (I ended up without any 'armour' and was too emotionally weak to hide it from him in the end) I was told that I should go ahead and kill myself.

He hit a female friend as 'she was being annoying' after an evening out (both were drinking) and seemed proud when telling the tale. He almost did the same to me when we had been drinking (I'm still not sure what stopped him). He was informally disciplined at work for verbally abusing someone on an evening out arranged by work.
The final straw was arguing over nothing when we were perfectly sober and him squaring up to me, arm raised... I screamed at him that I would hit him back if he dared lay a finger on me and he stormed out.

I made arrangements to move to my parents soon after, the best decision I could have made.

I still have occasional flashbacks to the days that I was living with ex-friend. These flashbacks stir up great anxiety and hurt, but also such fury that I could have allowed it to happen, even though I know that I couldn't really have prevented it at the time. He knew what he was doing and he preyed on me because he knew I was an easy, vulnerable target.

I'm a different person now, I'm more confident and assertive. But I still seem to have trouble with this aspect of my past. I see how much I (think I) could have achieved if he hadn't dragged me down. My mental health would have been better, my career decisions would have been shaped by me, not him (I would have gone to university as a mature student but was 'persuaded' out of it). I keep telling myself that I should have just said 'no'/done what I wanted to/etc. and berate myself for not being strong enough. I would have no problem being my own person now.

I'm going through some stress/anxiety at the moment and its brought this issue to the surface. I guess I just needed to get it out (validate myself?!) really.

If anyone else has experiences they feel able to share - or can just say 'I've been there and you're not the only one' - I'd be grateful. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone.

I haven't any experience of this but I can see how it could happen. Sometimes we lose sight of our options and think that this is the best life has to give us.

Sorry you have experienced this negative relationship but good for you that you are over it now and more confident. Not experienced anything like this but it seems plausible. Some people just feel the need to control others to validate themselves.

Thanks both.

ArcadianBlues - I think you've hit the nail on the head with "some people just feel the need to control others to validate themselves".

Hang on, you're still giving him a lot of power.

You could still be a mature student, you're still young.

It won't help to blame him, it's not a healthy mindset to blame him eg for your entire life as it is. Yes it's very hard to face when we've been chewed up by a very sick individual like this BUT we survived and have gone on to tell the tale.

Don't get caught in blame. It really doesn't help you. He is a very sick sort, you got out, you survived. You can hate his fucking guts but not for too long iyswim. i'm just thinking of you here - it's bad enough he did what he did, don't take it with you into the rest of your life

I ended a ery manipulative "friendship" about a year ago after the final straw when I realised that she was only ever able to be there for me when it suited her and I didn't feel free to be myself around her at all. She was judging me and censoring my words and actions without me even realising.

I still feel raw about it at times and I miss her because she was a big part of me life for over a decade. But I know it's better that she isn't in my life. It was demeaning to be around her. She always had to be in control and when I first all stood up to her the whole thing fell apart.

Well on the plus side, I was at rock bottom whilst going through divorce and took some time to be ‘me’ and reflect on stuff I had put up with during my marriage. I recognise now, behaviours which are coercive and abusive. I recognise them quite early on. I had a friend about the same time that I’ve since dropped because I recognised insidious little comments she made, that she kept trying to push me into things I didn’t want to do. (E.g. Go on a holiday which only suited her needs, in which I’d have had to do all the considerable amount of driving)
That she kept telling me that I needed a man, and she would fix me up with one she knew. That my date was not suitable at all.
And I’ve learnt not to offer explanations, a simple ‘no’ is fine.

It sounds as though you had an awful time with him.

Don't let him take your dreams away from you. Don't give him that power. If you want to go to university, then go. Mature students can have a fantastic time. Your best revenge is to be happy; that's clearly what he didn't want for you, isn't it?

Thank you for the reality check(s). Sometimes it's good to be reminded who really has the power!

Good point re the university situation - I know I could do that now if I wanted, however I'm at the stage of my life where I want to focus energy on a 'house and babies' (as my family would say) more... I do sometimes feel a little as though my 'best' chance has gone and mourn what might have been (I'm surrounded by very successful people and rightly or wrongly, that can occasionally pose a struggle), but of course that's not true. If you want something enough, you'll make it happen, right?
I did consider delaying trying to conceive and go to university instead, but I have endometriosis and I would rather successfully have a child than a career (for now at least), so I'm happy with that decision. I know it's not a 'never'.

I do (for the most part) feel happy, confident, and as though I'm 'me'. I'm just going through a spell of anxiety and for some reason that throws this stuff up to the surface (especially at 2 am in the morning!).

We had a tough rollercoaster first year of marriage with situations beyond our control (husbands redundancy and depression while FIL had an illness at the same time that required family support/nursing and subsequently died). We got through that, we're both healing and feeling positive, but I'm only just beginning to take hold of the notion that we're back in the drivers seat and steering our own lives (individually and together) again. I need to remember to look forward and hold myself accountable for my future.

I know this probably all sounds a bit 'poor me' (and it is)! But better out than in... And here on an anonymous forum than whining about it in the real world!

It's great to know 1) I'm not alone and 2) the reality checks have been really helpful.

Thanks all!

I was in an abusive relationship with someone just like him for 4 years. I often wonder what would have happened if I never met him. I probably wouldn't have an eating disorder for starters! I was also a size 10/12 and was told he didn't want a fat girlfriend so if I loved him i would stop eating and lose weight.

The 'coercive control' aspect may be a red herring, but what it does sound like is that you might have some aspects of post traumatic stress disorder type responses to this situation. If you find that this persists you could seek some therapy specifically for this approach (usually CBT or EMDR), they are very effective and usually work quite quickly. Good luck x x

I experienced coercive control in a friendship. I find it really hard to talk about it, or even write about it on an anonymous message board. We are both women, and both heterosexual. She was my next door neighbor. With hindsight, I believe she had a narcissistic personality disorder. I had just moved cross country, so had no friends or family near by, and I felt lonely. We seemed to really hit it off, so our friendship became very close very quickly.

She messed with my head.
She got me to tell her very personal things, and then used them against me.
She had an affair with my husband. While he is 100% responsible for his behavior and choices, she lied to him about things I had said. She played us both.
She manipulated me in a variety of ways, and looking back, I feel like such a fool. But she was so smooth, and seemed to be my friend, and seemed so nice. And yet was jerking me all around.

It was about 10 years ago, and I've never been the same. It deeply affected my ability to trust or be friends with other women. I keep people at a distance.

I keep telling myself that I should have just said 'no'/done what I wanted to/etc. and berate myself for not being strong enough. I would have no problem being my own person now

I completely relate to this sentence. There aren't books about this, and I feel like it sounds so stupid. How in the world did a "friend" get so in my head and manipulate me so much?

My life has gone on and is good in a variety of ways. My DH and I spent a lot of time in counseling together. (He's never been the same, either). I went back to uni. My kids are doing well. None the less, I can't let people get very close. I hate being alone, but I fear other people more. And I don't talk about it because I think it makes me sound like such a fool.

Hello! I know this was posted a few years ago, but I'm in the middle of writing an article about a very similar experience to yourself. I am so sorry to read about what you went through, and your experiences are very similar to my own (though there was never any threat of physical abuse). I want to raise awareness of coercive control in friendships, as I feel there isn't as much conversation happening at the moment.