What do you need/want?

[NC4now]

What do you need to feel loved and for your relationship to flourish?
What about wants?
Really interested to hear people’s basic needs and additional wants.

Shall I be the first to ask what you're writing the article for?

If it's a genuine question, people may be more willing to share if you explain why you're asking, and take the time to give your own views before you expect others to use their time.

I am coming from a position of having been in an abusive relationship ( now improved massively) & I would say that what I wanted & needed more than anything was for my feelings to be validated. And respect is a big thing for me, as it was missing for a long time.

I’m an advocate for the 5 love languages.

I need quality time first.

Then ‘words of affirmation’, ‘acts of service’ and physical touch all come very close.

Gifts is last but I do appreciate well chosen thoughtful gifts above expensive ones.

I don’t live with my DP as we both have DCs from previous relationships and don’t want to disrupt them. When we’re together he can make me weak at the knees by just looking into my eyes, so when I don’t see him for a few days I physically pine for him. Quality time, just the two of us, is the only way to keep me truly happy.

In terms of attributes, I need to feel heard and accepted. Our biggest rows come from me trying to tell him how I feel (usually about not having enough time together or feeling short changed) and him dismissing and minimising my feelings and experiences. So the bedrock for me is feeling listened to and accepted. Even if he doesn’t agree.

Not writing an article.
I’ve been doing some counselling and been asked to think about what my wants and needs are.
It’s something I struggle with so thought it would be interesting to hear others’ perspective.

In that case, I really recommend you take a look at 5 Love Languages as mentioned by a PP.
Physical affection - including but not limited to sex - is really important to making me feel loved, and that comes out blatantly on the questionnaire for me.

I think it depends a bit what else is going on at the time too. My love language questionnaire put acts of service first. At the time I was feeling overwhelmed with being a lone parent, having to do everything myself, and my DP was being pretty lazy, pleading tiredness or ignorance if I asked him to help me around the house.

Now that he has stepped up on that level, acts of service are still important but not my focus. If he could only spare me half an hour I’d rather he spent it gazing into my eyes and chatting to me than replacing light bulbs.

Interesting post. I agree with pp that love languages can be contexual. For me needs would be to feel respected, heard and valued as an individual. Wants would be: emotional intelligence/ attentiveness and thoughtfulness both in and outside of the relationship.