Should we split

[Rebecca75]

I don't know what to do...
Firstly, no abusive messages please, this is my first foray into the stay/leave decision.
We have been together 17 years, have 2 children.
Problems... we should have split 16.5 years ago after first prob but I was too weak, insecure to do it. We don't, CANT talk to each other. My oh is incapable of apologising and is NEVER in the wrong. He has the hottest of tempers, sometimes violent and physical. I HATE and avoid confrontation. He kicks off every so often, our problems are never resolved, get swept under the carpet. I am the slow internal boiler sort....
On Nov 21st last year he kicked off, swearing and shouting at me. This time I have been unable to let it go and we have hardly spoken since, no intimacy, nothing. I'm a sahm so basically can't work out how we could afford to split.
I really don't know what to do. He works away, is going tomorrow till Fri so I have till then to sort my crazy head out and decide what to do.
What would you do?

I'm in a very similar situation and I'm planning to leave. We've been together 17yrs and like you should have left a long time ago.

Do you want to leave?

I don't know, yes I think so. If we didn't have children I would go (they're 7 and 4). I've got to the stage that I don't care whether he is here or not-it makes no difference to me. I can't wait for tomorrow, says it all I suppose.
I'm scared of making the decisions to break our family up but I'm soooo over the situation.
Do you think youl leave?

You can't really be yourself in this atmosphere. Do you want to live the rest of your life not being yourself?

I could have written that. Most people look forward to the weekends, I look forward to Monday when he goes back to work.

I think today has been my November 21st. He threw 2 tables across the room as he was pissed off, and I do nothing and am a bad mother apparently. I let so much go normally, but I'll never forget him threatening to throw away my 5 year old's special cuddly toy if he heard her cry or shout anymore.

Sorry, not wanting to make it about me but just so you know it's not just you (want to put a kiss but that's not very musnetty is it!)

Absolutely not, but I'm not sure who I am... I've put everyone else's needs before mine for so long that I'm not entirely sure what I want anymore. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision - leaving - and regretting it.
I'm obv not faultless myself..!!
I look at life through rose tinted glasses, am hopeless at reality. Look where it's got me😵

Love your user name😂😂. Sorry you've got such an ass of an oh too..

Rebecca yes I will be leaving in 2018. I've been going to a counsellor since Nov and find her brilliant. I expressed regrets at having not left earlier and she said that if I didn't leave years ago it didn't mean I was weak. She said I probably still loved him and might have returned to him then.

Rebecca,

You won't get any abusive messages; its interesting that your post started with that comment. Straight talking yes, abusive messages no.

Use the week he is gone to put proper plans in motion to leave. Your family unit has already been harmed by his actions towards you.
Its not your fault he is like this, you did not make him this way.

Are you married to this person?. What is the situation re finances and the property?. At the very least you need legal advice on such matters.

I would not stay for the children; you cannot and must not use them as the glue to bind you and this man together. It says a lot that if it was not for them then you would have gone in any case. Do not teach them that a loveless relationship with abuse could become their norm too as adults. As for you not being faultless either, well no-one is and in your case you have not at all incited him to act as he does. It also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up. Who for instance taught you to put your own needs last?.

Your children are seven and four; what are these two people learning about relationships from the two of you?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here?. You want this for them as adults, no you would not. This relationship is no legacy to be leaving them, it really is not. Its over and it has been for many years now.

Be brave and face your fears properly about planning to leave; Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth contacting and they could help you further as could the Rights of Women organisation. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could also help you move forward too.

Thanks, I've not heard of Women's Aid. My step mother is coming over tomorrow to chat, I've never told her about our problems - she will never let them go once I've told her so am nervous/guarded about opening up.
As I'm a sahm I don't know how to support myself financially. I'm a reflexologist and ha e been for 7 years but the money I earn pays the food bill - just a few clients at a time so not a,regular income. I need to attract more business. Apart from that I could do office work but childcare costs are massive...
What a nightmare..

My update - I've booked myself in to see a marriage counsellor tomorrow. I've spilled the beans to my parents, they weren't shocked at all. I'll see how tomorrow goes..

Well done, op.

I was in a similar situation, but waited 27 years to leave the relationship... don't be me, it's such a waste of your life!

Are you married, because that will make a difference to your situation.

Well done Rebecca. I'm glad you've told your parents too.