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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tell DC's or Not

5 replies

scotgal2017 · 06/01/2018 18:45

brief background: was with STBXH 20 years, married 17 years. 2 DCs, 14 and 11 (DS is 11 and seeing psychologist for various reasons, more so now!). Things rocky for a few years, arguments escalated. i asked to go to MC in march last year, he agreed but we never arranged. end of July he says wants to leave, moves out Sept 17. he works away 3-5 weeks at time due to job type and is well paid. Has asked for divorce since he said he wanted to leave, has said that MC is pointless but is willing to come to separation counselling with my IC at the end of Jan 18.

3 days after Xmas he decides to message me and tell me that he has met someone. it's recent and they have only met in person a few times. No way i believe this for many reasons. He doesn't want to be portrayed as the bad person, so i think he has had an EA and now it is moving forward. i have decided I am going to file for divorce and move on. I've come to realise how selfish and how much of a coward he really is.

i'm usually quite positive last few days have felt very angry. Apparently he is working for 6 weeks (left early december) and then swanning off to havana for 2 weeks holiday straight after (not a thought about coming back to see his kids after work even though he will be back for 5 weeks !!) i don;t know if he is going alone, with friends, with OW.....but with the anger I feel like telling Dc's that dad now has a girlfriend. He said she had never been to the country where we live so it sounds like it may be a kind of LDR..... but are the kids old enough and has it been long enough to tell them they may potentially be introduced to an OW? It may be petty and due to anger but i feel like doing it.....he avoids responsibility like the plague, has tried to be a cake eater (before i knew about OW, just with him moving out and having a ball!) and I may just be feeling this way to be spiteful.....advice?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 06/01/2018 18:48

Think ths would hurt the dc more than your ex. Breathe deepy and don't do anything out of spite. Just cos he's a twat doesn't mean you have to lower yourself.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 06/01/2018 18:51

Imo be smug that you are the one giving the dc the love and stability they need /deserve.
Don't be the messenger either - let him explain his new life /gf.
You have the dc therefore hold the cards in the divorce imo.

DiscoDeviant · 06/01/2018 18:52

Don’t tell them. You would regret it as it WILL hurt them and that will make you feel worse. My STBXH cheated on me many times but I don’t want my children to ever find out. They don’t need to know you’re the innocent party. Children don’t look at their parents splitting up in terms of blame. They just worry how it will affect them.

scotgal2017 · 06/01/2018 19:00

Thanks for the input guys, what in needed to hear to shake myself down and get back to the higher level! xx

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 06/01/2018 19:46

It is hard but always try to think of what is in their best interests when you are deciding on what information they need.

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