How can I leave?

[ShimmerAndShite]

Things have been very up and down with my partner for ages but I've stayed because of our children. Things got worse tonight and I really don't know how I can stay, but if I leave they will end up spending time away from me and that terrifies me.

He's very controlling and I don't know if there's EA going on too. I just don't know what to do.

why does it terrify you?
How old are your children?

5 and 2. Partly because I've never been away from them and partly because of how he is with my eldest. Screaming and shouting at her over the slightest thing, he can be very rough with her too. I worry how she would be if I wasn't there, and how much more he would lose his temper if he had them on his own.

Plus no one knows what he's like apart from a few friends I've told. Everyone says how lucky I am and how great he is with the children. I'm scared I may lose them

If you have reasonable belief that the children are not safe with him then you can refuse contact.
If he scares you with his temperament I would suggest that he contacts mediation to discuss contact with the kids, that way you have a 3rd person present.
Most of your worries sound like self-confident issues, which I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he’s controlling.
Sometimes speaking to someone from a woman’s aid can help to boost your confidence and help you to realise that you don’t have to put up with anything that you’re not happy with.
Staying for the kids is usually not the best option, especially if they see their father being rough/aggressive or controlling towards you.
The first step to leaving is getting your ducks in a row... where will you go? When? Will you & the kids be safe if he tries to ‘get you back’?
Planning is key

That is awful for your five year old. You need to get away from him.
Contact women’s aid for advice. And a solicitor, you should get half an hour free.
Once you are dealing with facts and not some scary unknown future it will be easier to start making plans. You could tell family about his behaviour towards DD and anyone else who will help to support you.

Thanks. You're right about my confidence, i have none, although I'm better when I'm on my own with them. I've told a few friends some of the stuff but I think I'm too ashamed to admit everything as I feel I should have left years ago.

I found him on an internet dating site when I was pregnant with my eldest, I should have gone then. I just feel weak, and guilty that I'm still here. My eldest absolutely adores him, even though he can be an absolute arsehole to her, and would really struggle if/when I leave ask I feel guilty for thinking about leaving too.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this.

I could move in with my mum but its only a mile away and I don't want him around giving my mum grief.

"My eldest absolutely adores him, even though he can be an absolute arsehole to her"

And that will simply set her up for many years of being treated poorly by men in her own relationships as an adult.

Do not allow your DD to become further emotionally harmed by letting her see this from this man as her norm. She cannot also afford to go onto choose someone like this individual to be in a relationship with, you're also showing her as her mother that currently at least, this from him is acceptable on some level to you.

If there is abuse he should not have unsupervised contact with them at all. No mediation either, it will be a waste of time. Infact I would argue he is not bothered about either of them anyway either given that he treats you as their mother abusively. Do you actually think he would want to spend time, money and effort on them going forward post separation?. He would probably instead want to use the children against you instead for having the gall in his eyes to leave him. He won't want them on his own and would probably palm them off to his mother or someone.

Controlling men like this will make it as hard as possible for you to leave (they do not let go of their victims easily) but leave him still you must for your children as well as your sake.

Talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women about your options going forward.

Seek legal advice as well re obtaining a non molestation order against him particularly if you go to your mother's house.

How supportive are your friends and family?.

You have I think actually taking a first baby step out of this abusive relationship by writing about it on here.

He sounds awful, if you are worried about his behaviour towards your DD perhaps speak to Woman's Aid about getting a place in a refuge - will protect all of you in the short term whilst you get sorted out.

Well done on opening up to your friends, be honest with those you trust

Of course your dd adores him, she's 5. But he's teaching her to expect to be treated like crap by the people you love. You'll be setting her up for a lifetime of this shit by staying.

Thanks everyone, can't reply much at the moment but I am reading and taking it all in. What's really hit home is that I've barely scratched the surface of how he is at times and you all think I should leave.