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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He Dumped Me Last Night!!

26 replies

Dumped2018 · 06/01/2018 12:50

I recently met a man through OLD, but the relationship started developing later this year. We met for dinner over the Christmas period - firstly, he had not been truthful about himself. He told me he was separated, but I think he is still with this lady whom he spent New Eve with. Secondly, he told me that he was cuddly - but turned out to be bigger and a lot bigger than he had portrayed himself online and on the phone. This was no an issue, the character and personality of a person is more important than looks.

I enjoyed his company and we arranged to meet again.

Anyway, to cut the story short, he returned from his "ex" "because he could not wait for us to start 2018 afresh" - I was also looking forward to seeing him again, so we arranged to meet on Monday and start something amazing. When I arrived to his house, he was not even ready, the place was a mess and he was sittin in his under pants. He then proceeded to "bitch and talk" about this woman for two hours. By the time we tried to look for somewhere to have dinner on New Year's Day, most places were shut.

We ended up in a restaurant where he used to take his "ex", opposite a London's Hotel where they used to stay together. Unconsciously he was not even there with me but with his ex girlfriend. This really upset me, so I decided to come back to my house.

He texted me about meeting on Thursday so he could make up to me. He sent two text messages and I called twice but he did not pick up his phone and then sent a message with, "please answer your phone." He phoned me back an hour later and told me that he was in a meeting. I told him that I was too busy to meet on Thursday night, if we could meet the following day, but he was going to be away and offered to come and have dinner/talk in my area.

The dinner was good and the conversation was also good. During dessert, he took his phone and showed me the message that I sent with, " please answer your phone" and started really having a good at me, putting me down, telling me that I should not have sent the message. Anyway, I told him that I was not aware that he was in a meeting, all he had to do was text me back that he was in a meeting.

He started shouting at me in the restaurant and I told him that if he did not stop shouting at me, I would walk away. He continued, so I walked away. The following day, he sent a message with, "I am sorry" but I did not reply and got more messages last night accusing me of having anger issues and not willing to forgive.

I replied back that I was disappointed at the way he behaved (he had told me about his ex girlfriend had anger issues and she had being violent towards him before). I have no room for drama in my life.

I got two further messages just before midnight accusing me of being rude and disrespectful for not saying thank you for him buying me dinner. That he has dumped me and he was now walking away from me. The best feeling that I had after reading the text messages were deleting it without replying back. I felt so good and slept so well.

I had already deleted his numbers from my phone and threw out his business card. Do I sound like I have anger issues? As for me no thanking him for the dinner - I bought him a few Christmas presents and he gave me nothing.

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 06/01/2018 12:54

There are so many red flags in his behaviour that I'd be lost where to start! I think you have had a lucky escape. The shouting in the restaurant would have been the final straw for me - expecting you to thank him after that behaviour Shock? Words fail.

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/01/2018 12:57

Why are you wasting your mentsl energy on this? He was an aggressive lying twat you went on a few datez with. You realised he was a twat. He pretended he was the one doing the dumping (can it really be called that after just a few dates?) Amd was rude and hurtful.

I'd call it a lucky escape and a learning experience. You saw red flags but choose to ignore them. Why?

Thicker skin, higher standards and more self belief needed.

Nctothisfornow · 06/01/2018 12:58

Definitely a lucky escape. I bet he was the one with anger issues and violent towards the ex, not the way he put it across.

Dont think badly of yourself, OP. It doesnt sound like you did anything wrong. It definitely doesnt sound lile he did anything right though

Dumped2018 · 06/01/2018 12:58

ScreamingValenta, thank you!

Sorry for the typos

OP posts:
Dozer · 06/01/2018 13:00

Why on earth didn’t you leave when he was in his pants, or talked for hours about his ex?!

Dozer · 06/01/2018 13:01

And why did you buy him xmas gifts?!

Dumped2018 · 06/01/2018 13:01

Thank you everyone. It's not a very nice feeling that he was shouting at me in my local restaurant. I also noticed last Saturday when waiting for the cab, he told the driver to fuck off because he was packed in a different location

OP posts:
Dumped2018 · 06/01/2018 13:02

I should have just walked away - no reason to stay is a reason to leave.

Silly me!! Red flags from start to finish

OP posts:
Nctothisfornow · 06/01/2018 13:03

Lesson learned with a lucky escape.

trojanpony · 06/01/2018 13:07

Red flags everywhere!!!
be thankful you escaped so quickly!

NurseButtercup · 06/01/2018 13:08

WoW just wow.
You should have blocked him when he spent Nye with his ex.
You should have gone home when you arrived at his place and he was still in his underpants (why was you at his house for your 2nd date).

Do not unblock him, keep this thread bookmarked and read again to remind yourself of what a twat looks like and raise your standards.

Dumped2018 · 06/01/2018 13:22

Thank you for such a useful advice. I appreciate it all. Thank you

OP posts:
Newrules · 06/01/2018 13:24

He sounds horrendous in every way.

ButtMuncher · 06/01/2018 13:33

Rather than berate OP for not dumping or saying things before, could we pause to think that perhaps not all of us have good examples of how to date/have relationships and therefore wouldn't always pick up red flags as early as others?

For example, a person who has been in an abusive relationship for years may see someone less abusive as more 'normal' than they actually are, due to their experiences and levels of expectations. Doesn't mean they're stupid or foolhardy, just that their experiences lead them to believe anything has to be better than before. It's precisely the reason many get back into abusive or unhealthy relationships because they initially don't see the red flags others do.

I'm not saying that is the case here OP, but I am a bit fed up of the criticism and sneering some posts get here.

Reddlion · 06/01/2018 16:05

he's a complete weirdo

WillowWept · 06/01/2018 16:18

Total weirdo and a really good example of why you should meet men from OLD straight away. Do not spend days/weeks/months engaged in back and forth

Straycatblue · 06/01/2018 16:42

He told me he was separated, but I think he is still with this lady whom he spent New Eve with.
Secondly, he told me that he was cuddly - but turned out to be bigger and a lot bigger than he had portrayed
When I arrived to his house, he was not even ready, the place was a mess and he was sittin in his under pants.
He then proceeded to "bitch and talk" about this woman for two hours.
Unconsciously he was not even there with me but with his ex girlfriend.
and started really having a good at me, putting me down
I told him that if he did not stop shouting at me, I would walk away. He continued,
I got two further messages just before midnight accusing me of being rude and disrespectful for not saying thank you
I bought him a few Christmas presents and he gave me nothing
I also noticed last Saturday when waiting for the cab, he told the driver to fuck off because he was packed in a different location

I wouldnt be worried about the accusation about having anger issues, I would be more worried that it took all of the above before you eventually decided that he wasnt a good prospect. I dont mean that in a horrible way, I mean that in a concerned way.

Rather than berate OP for not dumping or saying things before, could we pause to think that perhaps not all of us have good examples of how to date/have relationships and therefore wouldn't always pick up red flags as early as others?

I also agree with this OP ^, what you have experienced is awful disrespectful behaviour, Please take some time to self reflect, not on his accusations about anger issues but on why you allowed yourself to be continually be disrespected over and over again and take some time to try and find out what a relationship based on mutual respect should look and feel like and what your boundaries should be.

CountdowntoSanta · 06/01/2018 17:13

Well done OP, a very wise decision!!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 06/01/2018 18:18

he told me that he was cuddly - but turned out to be bigger and a lot bigger than he had portrayed himself online and on the phone
Strike 1. He lied. Personally I probably wouldn't have stayed for a 2nd drink. But had I decided to give him a chance (even though he's a lying bastard) I would have given up after this:

When I arrived to his house, he was not even ready, the place was a mess and he was sittin in his under pants
Strike 2

He then proceeded to "bitch and talk" about this woman for two hours
Strike 3

We ended up in a restaurant...Unconsciously he was not even there with me but with his ex girlfriend. This really upset me
Strike 4

I called twice but he did not pick up his phone and then sent a message with, "please answer your phone
I'd hate it if someone told me to pickup my phone! If I could I would. Pretty rude I think. Strike 1 to you.

He started shouting at me in the restaurant
Strike 5

I think it's pretty safe to say that he's not in the right place to be dating anyone right now Hmm

user1492877024 · 06/01/2018 18:32

What did you you both have for dessert?

NewBeginning2018 · 06/01/2018 18:36

@User, I cannot remember what I had - I went for coffee instead. He had some dessert.

Thank you all for the advice. I sent to him a text message prior to meeting him on Monday, he told me that he did not check his phone. I arrived at the station and he was not there and told me to walk to his house, which was about 2 minutes walk.

I feel like a complete mug!

Straycatblue · 06/01/2018 19:21

@NewBeginning2018

Love the positive change of username, don't feel like a mug, hindsight is a marvelous thing and you can take this opportunity to strengthen your boundaries.

Coyoacan · 06/01/2018 20:10

OP, you really have to work on your self-respect. This man sounds extremely unattractive in every way from the word go.

letsdolunch321 · 06/01/2018 20:15

What a weirdo, ypu are well rid of him.

Keep him blocked !

Bendyandtheinkmachine · 06/01/2018 20:19

Wow so many red flags OP that you could have made them into bunting. What a weirdo!