I apparently say mean things in my sleep

[FreddieClaryHorshieLion]

DH got up during the night (DD2 was crying, it was ‘his’ night). And I apparently told him to ‘shut up the fuck up. I’m trying to sleep’ in a really aggressive tone.

I honestly don’t remember doing that (which sounds like a shitty excuse). DH believes me but I still feel really horrible / want to make it up to him.

Has your OH ever done anything like this? How did it make you feel? What did they do to make it up to you?

This may not help much, but I say this kind of thing in my sleep, and all I do is tell people that I might, if we're going to be sharing a room/bed, so that they're forewarned and can decide if they'd rather not share after all.

There's absolutely nothing that can be done about it, unless it's due to medication or something, in which case the treatment should come first anyway.

Feeling responsible for something that is in no way your fault is not a good idea for your own safety and mental health. And acting as if you are responsible - searching around for how you can make for it and suchlike - can actually sow the seeds of doubt in other people's minds as to whether you genuinely can't help it. Which is unfair, but true.

Draw a hard, inflexible line between things you can help and things you can't, and demand that others recognise where it lies too.

Thankfully it sounds like your DH is on board with that. All I would do in your situation would be to tell him that if I upset him in my sleep he can talk to me about it, and that if he want's to sleep in another room at any point because of it, then that's ok.

*searching around for how you can make up for it

My husband is always swearing in his sleep. Generally I'm doing something reckless with the kids that he's cross about. As he never swear during the day or shouts at me I just find it funny. Some times I wake him up just to ask what I'm doing this time!

My ex used to say I did this. It never felt right but I sort of had to belief him. He’d tell me in the morning how hurt he was when he was when I nodded off on the sofa and when he tried to wake me up I’d say horrible things. He then got to martyred and upset and I couldn’t defend myself.

Interesting that in the years I’ve been with DH, including plenty of naps on the sofa, I’ve repeatedly asked if I’m ever horrible and he always looks bemused and says no, of course not.

Maybe I was unknowingly awful to my ex and like my husband more so don’t have sleep rants anymore. Maybe my ex was a liar and liked to use it to make me feel bad and him be a victim who’d use it to make me suffer.

Western

There's absolutely nothing that can be done about it, unless it's due to medication or something, in which case the treatment should come first anyway.

true. But I still feel responsible. I mean, I reacted really aggressively when he simply got up to look after DD2. If I did that when I was awake? That would be verbal abuse, wouldn’t it?

DH luckily wasn’t upset. He was actually rather amused... also because he only understood half of it / a lot of it was in my native language.

lemony

That does sound entertaining. ;’) I’m apparently just sweary / grumpy.

I tend to sleep very deeply (when... if... I sleep.) maybe that’s why I genuinely don’t remember? I hope I never react this way to our DDs... :(

Anne

That’s horrible. I’m so glad you’re in a better relationship nowadays.
DH luckily didn’t react like that. But idk. I just struggle with the fact that I spoke to him in such an agressive manner.

If you were awake and at all lucid it would be abuse.

It might help to think of it like someone being awake, but with mental health problems that genuinely mean that they can't control their behaviour.

In that situation, blaming them isn't productive, because they can't do anything with that blame anyway.

The way forward - other than treatment, of course - is to minimise the effect of their involuntary behaviour on those around them. Which in your case (or our cases, I should say!) is what offering our sleeping-partner a listening ear after waking, and the chance to sleep elsewhere, is about.

If this is new to you, I guess it's unsurprising that you're freaked out. I've always done it, and even I'm worried when it's someone new I'm with, but I just have to get tough with myself - and potentially with them, though thankfully that's never come up - about the fact that I can do nothing about it.

My DP sometimes yells at me in his native language when he's just been woken up. It's very funny, although it was a bit alarming the first time. You can't help it, and if your partner understands that then I would not worry too much about it.

DH does this, he also lashes out, fists and feet. He always has done, it's one of the reasons we don't share a bed... that and he snores like the loudest snorey thing, sleeps like a star fish with his head under covers and his feet sticking out in the cold.

Mmm! Wonder why I am still here, 30 years later

Oh and regarding children, I think the same thing applies. You can explain that it may happen, that's it's totally outwith your control and nothing to do with anything they've said or done, and that they can talk to you about it when you're awake, if they're upset by it.

If you're confident about explaining that, it makes everyone more relaxed about dealing with it than they would be if you seemed worried yourself and were seeking reassurance.

Dh laughs in his sleep. Sometimes little giggles. Sometimes loud snorting belly laughs. Used to scare the life out of me. Lol

Western

Yes, the first time this has happened (as far as I know). I don’t disagree... but it feels like an excuse. Reminds me too much of ‘I didn’t mean it, I was drunk.’ It’s probably not really comparable (because we all need to sleep) but yeah. Makes me uncomfortable. The loss of control.

Anyhow, thank you all so much for helping me calm down and providing some funny anecdotes.

Today is ‘my night’ so DH is the one that gets to sleep through.

curious yes, I’m also a snorer. And a deep sleeper (if I sleep. One reason for our alternating night schedule...)

I used to do that when my mum went to wake me up for school on a cold winter's morn. Would go down half an hour later and she wouldn't be talking to me...

My DP swears sometimes during sleep. I'll be feeding 4mo DS and he'll tell me to fuck off or something. It actually makes me laugh during grim and tired night feedstay. He says some mad things though, two nights ago it was "Get off the potatoes!" I don't think it's that unusual so I wouldn't feel bad about it and your DH isn't bothered so I wouldn't dwell on it.