It's over because of his family

[Maybeshewasntbornwithit]

That's it. After 10 years and a DC it's finished. I feel ashamed and like a failure.

It has come to an end because of my in-laws. Brother in law has been nasty about our DC since birth. The first instance was when his DC arrived and I asked what their exotic middle name meant, he replied 'superior to your dc'. I was upset but laughed at the embarrassment, this was in a room full of in-laws who all heard and no one said anything. From there it's been up and down but constant put downs about my dc.
Forward on a few years, this Christmas we went to see parents in law. Our DC is old enough now to understand everything (school age). Boxing day was horrid, mil made big fuss of the in-laws DC and almost ignored our DC, this has been the case for a while and DC doesn't bother that much with her, pretty much accepts it. DC tried to play with the cousin, ended up in the cousin just constantly taking toys away and not sharing, normal kid stuff. However when DC tried to do the same it wasn't accepted. We didn't intervene.
The next day we were due to see in-laws, DC had a meltdown refusing to see them, absolutely did not want to go. The brother in law had called him a gremlin on boxing day, DC said he didn't like him and didn't want to see any of them.

Forward on to the next day, we all go out for a day, very much as two separate groups rather than a family, end up in a restaurant where in-laws child appears to point and laugh at DC, leads to DC getting upset. At an activity, I sat away from family DH stayed with them and DC, eventually DC comes back to me looking sad and says they aren't talking to him and ignoring him, he's a very confident child who likes to play by himself so not demanding attention, but likes to be social, it is unusual for him to be this upset by something. I tell him not to worry and we sit and watch together.

The next day, brother in law etc decide to visit. DC seems excited by this, so I write off all previous as he's ok and obviously isn't that bothered by them. An hour into the visit again the cousin (in-laws DC) gets their toys and plays, not letting our DC join in, he's ok with that and proceeds to get one of his Christmas gifts out to play with, cousin then decided they wanted to play with that, DC at this point loses it at it being unfair that cousin doesn't let him play with anything and now wants to play with this. DC takes himself into another room to sit and refuses to come out until they have gone.

Now, I've friends in rl who know the complete history of this and one has gone as far to say in-laws treatment of DC over the years is pretty much bullying/emotional abuse. DC said he doesn't want to see them anymore. I told DH he needs to confront, DC is aware now of how they treat him and he isn't happy with it.

DH decided to complain about my family, after apparently confronting mil. She is nasty and has never liked me (thinks no one is good enough for her darling boys) and I believe has now turned him against me for protecting my dc. I do not know what to do. DH is threatening all sorts. He's getting a solicitor, and apparently I won't win this war. I'm sorry, this isn't making much sense I'm just so shocked that DH appears to be giving his family priority over our DC. I needed to vent, I need to hear an independent view, I did say I do not want in-laws seeing DC until they sort out their ideas of how they treat him. I removed all from social media as I couldn't face mil making comments on in-laws adorable child whilst ignoring mine...I just don't know what to do now?

DS is 4, and only just 4. H would have trouble getting him to see them if he didn't want to, he would kick off and wouldn't be afraid to tell them he didn't want them there.

It's funny you say about the mil, that is exactly what H accuses my father of doing to him, even though once H is home we don't have any contact with my dad because H just creates an awful atmosphere for me so it isn't worth it. My dad didn't see my ds from 22nd December until 3rd January because H was home and then we had to see his family from boxing day until new year's Day. Previously it's been from Christmas Eve but this year I wanted DS to open his gifts in his own home for the first time, I was unreasonable for that too.

I've left this morning, DS was still asleep and H was an arse, I've humiliated him by removing his family from my social media....never mind the humiliation our ds has suffered from them.

Just got a text from him about DS and his inhaler. Despite DS needing an inhaler since he was 18months H seems absolutely incapable of remembering his dosage.
DS ended up being admitted to hospital just before the inhaler was started, he had been with H whilst I was out for the day, I came home and looked at DS and knew there was something very wrong, he couldn't breathe, so much when he was breathing the bit at the top of his windpipe was being sucked in on every breath. H insisted he wasn't going to a and e on a Saturday night, fortunately my best friend is a children's nurse and said he absolutely needed to go to a and e, DS was loosing colour too. Had I not forced that I was taking him I dread to think what would have happened and since this I haven't wanted to leave him with H unless absolutely needed. So now he's already asking about his inhaler as DS has a cold and his asthma is mainly cold induced.

He also only caught a cold from the in-laws, he was fine before Xmas, this started new year's eve, they all had colds. Was told not to be ridiculous and I can't keep him away from people when I complained once we were there that they had colds and no one had told us.
DS has ended up being treated with steroids every time he's had a winter cold that has triggered his asthma.

Jesus poor You, and your son, this is bullying and it's fucking disgusting!

I don't have kids but if I did and my brother spoke to my child like that I would be dragging him outside and dropping him

You need to start a journal of these incidents. As factual as you can, take out the emotion. Eg 12th december h didnt give correct asthma medication resulting in treatment at &e. If he does try for access the more recprds you have the less likely he is to get it. Not giving a child his asthma medication is pretty fucking appaulling.

And yy to what everyone else has said. H puts their needs above your ds'.

If your in-laws are in the UK, you won't be able to stop your child from being taken to see them. If they are abroad, easy-peasy.

You absolutely need to record every incident with the dates. Also if you can to get outside corroberation of these incidents, eg over taking yoru son to A and E.

Can't be sure, but the received wisdom here is that a lot of men who are told their relationship is over get angry. They do everythign they can do hurt the woman thru the kids, but once actually separated the contact tends to peter out ... can you give him something else to be angry about with you, so that your son becomes less of a chip to be used by him?

My best friend who is the nurse that directed us to a and e is more than willing to write stating how I returned home to find DS struggling to breathe etc.

Spent the day with my ex boss, we both worked in advice giving but when it comes to our own problems we forget what we'd do at work! Anyway she reassured me that H won't get very far anyway, when he's away he rents a tiny bedsit for the week, this wouldn't be suitable for DS and him and if he had him full time he wouldn't be able to work or work and afford childcare (DS doesn't start school until September and has been accepted into a private school here).

I am home now, H still carrying on bad atmosphere, DS happy to see me, still in his PJ's so hasn't even been changed from last night.

I would make plans around your DS going State, rather than private, unless you know you’ll have the funds yourself to send him. Your H isn’t going to be obliged to contribute to that.

You’re not going to be able to stop contact with the ILs during whatever time your H is given and I wouldn’t necessarily try and fight that one as I think it’s unlikely you’ll win that battle. I couldn’t see a Court enforcing no-contact with GPS unless you were able to demonstrate a real risk of harm.

As you said, your DC will no doubt make his feelings clear - to the point, eventually, where they’ll back off.

I doubt he will us his dm as a bolt hole if he will have to deal with an upset ds while he is there!! Def agree with keeping a diary. And put his name down for a local school. You need roots for him from your address.

And now the messages from fil partner have started. She's sent me some religious speech in another language that I don't speak, can't translate it either.

Fil is apparently visiting next weekend, here at our home. Admittedly he isn't abusive to DS and has always treated him well but he will be sticking up for mil and bil. He's still under the control of his ex wife (mil).

Since I've been home I've played with DS and got his dinner whilst H slept...he had him on his own a few hours and is exhausted. Will this all add to the case of why H can't have him full time??

Get on to Women's Aid for additional advice: you need to throw this man out and insist on supervised contact only (given his incompetence WRT your poor little boy's asthma - this man is actually a serious danger to him).

Abusive men often threaten to go for custody just to make their wives compliant. He doesn't want custody and won't get it. In fact, given how much his family seem to dislike your DS, I imagine they will encourage him to cut all contact with you in future once they see you are not bothered by their bullying ways and have no interest in them.

No law says you have to be home next week end.

You can ask your husband to leave before the weekend. See a solicitor, stop buying into this - you have the chance to split up now, take it.

Agree with PP's who suggest you keep a factual record/diary. Also, keep a paper trail so print of anything negative said about you and /or your DC before you unfriended them.

I speak Welsh so feel free to PM if that's the language of the text she sent. Perhaps don't state the language especially if it makes more traceable (does anyone know you're a MN'er?) but we have multi nationalities here on MN and am
Betting most will be happy to help out.

Well done for standing up for your DC. Don't leave your family home again - give this man and his family
No ammunition to be used against you.

I think it's Arabic. They are Muslim's but a lesser known branch so not certain. H wasn't Muslim but part of his argument is that I refused to get DS circumcised and DS doesn't have a Muslim first name. He's just picking on everything at the moment to either cover or make excuses for their behaviour. I didn't change my surname and we double barreled ds, apparently that's a good reason for them not treating him as an equal too.

I'm feeling very ill and anxious this evening. The stress gets to me. Cannot ask him to leave this weekend without another battle which I can't take right now. When he leaves on Monday I can take all steps for him not to come back.

You really do need to see a solicitor. DH may be entitled to half the equity in the family home, either now or in the future when DS leaves FT education.

What will DH do if you ask him to leave?

The problem with not being there when FIL is there next weekend is that you may have problems getting back in.

Do you have DS passport and your passport safe?

H has a place he rents near to his work. He can stay there as he does all week.

I think if I ask him to leave now or over the weekend he would become extremely aggressive and throw everything at me.

DS passport is with a friend, already done that as fil does live in another country and is due to go back on the Sunday, so the possibility of them taking DS would be huge, already done the passport out of the house.

Speaking to a friend she has advised to invite fil here to see DS before he goes but without H, also have someone else here, which I will arrange. DS has picked up on all the stress and even refused to talk to fil on the phone this evening so I don't think he will get much from his visit anyway

Get birth certificate out of there too OP.

You are doing an excellent job of managing this dreadful situation OP - I think we all admire you for what you have managed to do so far. Keep posting so we can support you.

Please don't leave ds unsupervised with any of his family. It was mentioned on here just yesterday about families been know to circumcise at first opportunity without dm around - you need to see a solicitor ASAP.

maybe, notify the authorities if you think there is a chance they will try to take him. Good for hiding the passport but in this situation it's wise to tell the border control authority.

Seriously.

He's left today, a day earlier than planned. He has a bad cold so can't possibly look after DS.

Not heard anymore on the fil front, whether he is coming or not. I asked DS if he wanted to see him because he will be going back to his country and DS won't see him for 4 months, DS said no. So not much point in him coming.

I think pp was right, where I haven't said anything more or tried to even argue, H seemed to shut up and now has left even earlier than normal. No calls or texts from anyone on his side, all strangely silent!

However I will still be calling a solicitor tomorrow and going from there. Thank you to you all for making me feel like I wasn't be unreasonable in DS treatment and that I wasn't going mad, it has really helped me.

I'd be equally wary of silence TBA.
Hide everything and a PP said to alert authorities -
If this is what's done, then do it. Take as many precautions as possible. There was a thread years ago that turned into a total nightmare for the poster - long gone now but it made me worried for anyone in that potential situation.

Definitely Welsh, I will be calling the border control, airport he's flying from and the airline. I do have the flight number and when he is leaving too.

Can you flag DS passport so dad can't get another ?