I am getting the suspicion that he is using his kids as "bait"?

[lolaflores]

I am writing this down just in case I am wrong, or if, just in case I am right but have not actually gone nuts so hang on in with me.

I have old friends who were married for perhaps 10 years, then divorced with tremendous bitterness about 5 years ago. I have remained friends with both of them over the years with varying degrees of intimacy.

During this time he has had many failed relationships. Start off all super romantic then fall into rapid decline with the woman involved needing to cut off all contact with him. This pattern has become more apparent and when his most recent relationship went tits up it has caused him much distress, something that has happened with all his previous ones too.

Anyway. He is grieving (his words) over this relationship, as intensely as all the others and I have tried to support him as much as possible but am finding the intensity a bit much. I have ongoing mental health problems, something he is aware of. Despite advising him to seek professional help, repeatedly, he seems to think I am the only help he wants.
As I have begun to find all this so wearing, I have made moves to draw back. Make myself less available by not responding to each text or not being avaiable for long chats about his therapy sessions. Since Christmas eve, when I began to disengage, his kids have had crisises that have meant long, stressful conversatios with them.
Once again, yesterday I tried to disengage gently, only to have another crisis erupt this evening.
Am I being a cow or is he creating these shit storms?

Stay grey rock for your own MH. You don't owe him your time do you OP?

He fancies you.

Now you know why his relationships failed.

I fèel so bad for his kids. A) tha5 he would manipulate them into having conversations with me so I can "help" or B) he is either exaggerating concocting dramas for attention.
If he fancies me, then I have me trainers in and him shut down. Luckily he lives some distance so no way hell turn up on the doorstep.
What a TWAT!

If the kids ring you tell them to ring mum!

Stop looking at his behaviour and start examining your own. Why have you prioritised this mans needs over your own MH?

This man and his behaviour is the common denominator in all his relationship breakdowns and here he is doing again in your platonic relationship. There is no gentle way of handling this kind of vampiric personality other than going nc, don’t worry it’s unlikely that he’ll go longer without finding a new host to feed off.

Block and move on.

Isetan, I have been allowing him to impose himself more and more in recent months. Some weeks ago I fully disclosed the depths of my MH problems, expecting him to then appreciate that my capacity to support him was limited by my ongoing condition.
It now appears that this wasn't clear enough.

Added to which, I don't want to be accused of not showing the same compassion that I would hope for myself in the face of MH crisis.

That said, I have a point past which I cannot lean on friends. People say, oh just ask, but a part of me can't do that.

I don't want to explain myself to him because I feel it would end up in a long, excruciating conversation of me trying to point out to him the things he doesn't seem to understand, either on purpose or out of a total lack of emotional intelligence or cos he is a manipulative person.

thats that then. Sad how some people wreck perfectly normal relationships.

Despite advising him to seek professional help, repeatedly, he seems to think I am the only help he wants.

Well that's tough then, isn't it, because he can't have you. You are not available. You have your own shit to work through.

As for the kids - it's difficult if you care about them, but if your suspicion is right then you helping them is actually encouraging him to continue manufacturing the crises. Even if he isn't doing that, it lets him not bother to seek out proper sources of professional help. It might in fact be better for them if you were not the handy go-to. He might even be forced to sort his own children's problems out, like parents are supposed to

It's a shame because you sound like a brilliant friend, but you're being used and it's not even helping the people you're trying to help, because it's being misused. Not your fault at all. Run away, run away!

I am do8ng my running stretches. Feel a bit cowardly at just slipping into the ether but I don't see any other way to disentangle myself without more drama.
I do think he can't or won't parent them . The poor things.

Sad how some people wreck perfectly normal relationships.

This is where you are mistaken, it was never a normal relationship to begin with. He's dangled your hope for a 'normal' relationship as a carrot, which gave him access to abuse you.

His is a personality that needs very very strong boundaries and if you had them, you would off dropped him years ago.

It's almost like you had something to prove by continuing this relationship, some twisted vindication of your caring/ empathetic virtues.

Twisted? isetan...nothing like a bit of light psycho babble of an afternoon. Do give me your next searing insight? All ears Here!

As all relationships Do, there a re changes in direction and tone. One thing I have always expected of myself is integrity. Not dumping a friend is part of that image I have of myself. However, the reasons for leaving a friendship have over ruled that concept as his demands are now outlandish.
I am sufficiently boundaried or I would not be aware of him leaping them.
I txted him yesterday and made it clear I was not available.

Touch a nerve did I? Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics, especially dysfunctional ones.

It now appears that this wasn't clear enough.

I bet it was crystal clear. He just doesn't care. You're not dumping a friend, you are escaping from someone who is not good for your mental health. There's a huge difference.

Isetan sounds like you are no stranger to dysfunction yourself but thanks for your input all the same. But could you be honest with me and explain why you are taking such an aggressive and peevish tone? You sound most unfortuante

Shadow666 I have blocked him as of yesterday when he sent another "How are you?" messages which usually lead very rapidly into an update on disasters that have occured, which seemed to me the best moment to just block. No explanations. No point.
I have snipped him out of all my contacts etc. and hope he doesn't find a way round it all. Hope he isn't that persistent.

No I’m not a stranger to dysfunction (was that supposed to be a dig?), that’s why it’s easier to see it and the excuses made for tolerating it. Nice try with the not so passive aggression btw but no, not biting.

Isetan, any explanation for your tone then? What has needled you about my post that you have grown increasingly tetchy with each response. I can only presume it is some projection of your own past or even present?