Was this an emotionally abusive relationship?

[Fixyourcourage]

I am a year and a half out of an 11 year relationship with my STBXH. I did not instigate the split, but was so miserable towards the end for numerous reasons.
Part of the reason I'm asking is that now, with the benefit of distance, some of his behaviours which were normalised within the relationship now seem completely wrong.
I don't want to go into too much detail (as it will take forever) but I'll list some key issues:

1. I could never get the 'tone' right. No matter what I said, I always said it in a way he would take offence. Too bossy, too short, too dismissive, too casual. I could never, ever get it right (still the case as we have to have contact because of DC)
2. completely detached from family life. Willing to take the good parts but would only ever do exactly what he 'needed' to do. On my knees with tiredness with a DC who wouldn't sleep but he'd never offer an overnight and still only did his one night at the weekend but woke me at 7 on the dot for shift change.
3. willing to let me do everything and benefitting from the organisation and drive, but using it as a negative during discussions.
4. misremembering history. Everything paints him as the victim when the reality was very different.
5. An ability to treat me as completely unreasonable for simple requests.

I know he's a selfish man (but looks great to others) but I know the power balance in the relationship was clearly off.

I'm trying to sort myself out now and I have huge feelings of inadequacy to overcome. my "faults" seem endless

Sounds like my ex husband. Yes, I'd say emotionally abusive. Especially the first point.

He's a selfish, unpleasant arse. Not sure he was really emotionally abusive as such but it doesn't matter because it's in the past. Don't dwell on it. You're rid of him and can move on.

I can tick every one off your list too, unfortunately. Took me some time out of the relationship to really see what was going on.

TBH, he still does it, but now I know what he's doing, I cope a bit better.

Sounds exactly like xh, who I certainly consider emotionally abusive. The last few months since I've left have been amazing, I'm like a different woman!