Is DH actually my flat mate?

[Laserbird16]

I feel like my DH is really more of a flat mate. I love him dearly, we've know each other for 14 years, married 5, we have a 17 month old but sometimes I am so unhappy.

When we got together it was a really adventurous time in our lives. We travelled, put a lot of effort into sex and it was fun. I moved to his country think it would be an adventure but it just seems to constantly waiting. Now he is settled he seems to have completely withdrawn into himself.

We just sit around the house watching TV of his choice, usually some rubbish super hero guff and it makes me feel dead inside. I organise things all of the time with friends but I just feel so sad we can't even have a conversation or play a boardgame or even sex. I've tried talking to him about it but it is always 'I'm an introvert', 'i'm tired'.

He is great in so many ways but I sometimes wonder if I should just insist we go back to the uk nearer museums, other countries, etc.. He can watch tv anywhere but I'm so bored with life. I supported him to go back to study, our quality of life took a massive nosedive and he's ended up going back to his old industry for the pay but really I think he just hadn't thought through the realities of changing careers. Now we don't have the excuse of he is studying I suppose I'm getting more and more frustrated and what is going to be my life.

I love DH but I'm sick of waiting for life. I'm also worried DD is going to get sucked into we just watch TV or we don't do anything with daddy.

Any advice?

What does your DH say when you suggest to go out as a family?

He'll often say he's tired and do I mind if he stays home to play video games :( I give up

He doesn't sound like he wants to engage with being a partner or a dad really. Why's it always his choice for the tv?

I'd go back without him and leave him to his tv.

Do you ever do things as a family? What’s your sex life like now?

I would return to the UK without him. This does not have to be your life going forward either. He has checked out of your relationship for his own reasons both mentally and physically. Love is not enough in such situations and your love for him will further become resentment.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships; surely not this idea of one.

We often do things with his family, go round and have lunch which is nice or recently once a week he goes for a run and I take DD for a little toddle around a park - I've started inviting friends to that too so I have someone to talk to!

As for sex I kind of have to organise and pressure him into it and after all of that I don't really feel into it. I really want a second baby but it would be nice for him to initiate for once.

Classic long term relationship scenario. Ask him how he sees his life in 5 years time? Ask him what his aspirations are? What excites him? He's stuck in a rut which he needs to get out of. Don't bail on him just yet. Tease this shit out of him and see if you can reach him still. 👍

You want a second baby with this going on? Are you mad?!

It still all sounds very limiting and the only time he seems to go out with you two is when you visit his family for lunch. What else does he do with you two at all?. His own priorities include going for a run or watching tv. He actually asked whether you would mind if he stayed home and played video games!.

I would not have a second child by him. Am not surprised you do not want sex with him either. Why are you together at all now, is it really now because of your DD?. She will pick up on all this in time and she won't say thanks mum to you.

If you want to seperate, time to think practically.

Where do you want to live permanently if you are no longer together - is it in his country or your country? If you seperate where you are, what are the risks that he can stop the DC moving to your home country? What support do you have from your own family and friends? Although his family might be helpful now with our weekly lunch, that’s very unlikely to continue if you seperate.

I wouldn’t take the risk of being seperated from my DC or unable to live in my home country with support. You might want to think about moving back to your home country before separating/divorcing. You might think he would never stop you leaving with DC, but things change during a divorce and previsouly reasonable people become unreasonable - specially when they start to worry about how things look to others (eg he might stop you leaving as his friends/family might think worse of him if he didn’t).

Not mad just old :) but I keep telling myself long term relationshipsdotake work...it just feels like I'm the one who has to do all the work

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. And you cannot carry this relationship on your own; he has to want to do his bit too. You seem to be simply carrying him still and have probably done so throughout your relationship.

Agree, Long term relationships indeed any relationship should be worked at but peeps get complacent. Go read John Gottman books asap and try and reach your DH.

It's kind of a death by a thousand cuts. There's nothing he does that I could say is intolerable but he doesn't really do anything that isn't in line with his priorities. I've told him before this isn't the life I want for myself and he keeps saying it will be different when ' insert excuse' happens. E.g. We move to his home town, he finishes his degree etc. we're kind of there again as I'm about to go back to work at the end of the month so another transition that needs to be gotten over before we can have a life

Do you go out without him?

Either leave the baby or take the baby?

What's is there to do near you?

I'm out all the time. I take DD to friends, the pool, the park, wildlife sanctuaries. In the evenings I often go the gym and sometimes I meet up with friends but I barely do anything with dh. We are going to Star Wars this weekend but I really couldn't give a monkeys. DH's stepbrothers were supposed to go with him but forgot!

What's stopping you from leaving and returning to the UK?

I honestly think you need to lay this shit at his feet. Tell him 'Shape up or ship out!' It might shock him, you might feel a pulse!

What precisely is it that you still love about him?

Unless she gets permission from him to take their dc, she cannot return to the uk with them. Its parental child abduction to remove dc from their habitual residence. There would be legal repercussions.

You can't be ready for big changes if you can't even make the little ones. Start with those.

Why is he the boss of everything? Why do you agree to watch his shit boring TV? Over the next 3 weeks, why don't you dictate the TV, even if he dies inside watching your non-Superhero TV.