OPINIONS NEEDED ON MY RELATIONSHIP

[Theoldwillo]

My first post, but have felt the need to get other people's perspective on relationships recently and have found it helpful on here, so here goes with my situation!
Been together 10 years plus, engaged, have a DS and DD, we have no parents as all have passed away, so neither of us have any real emotional support.
The latter part of 2017 has not been great; a friend of mine passed suddenly, there has been some illness in DH's family, and DH has lost an old friend thru illness suddenly in the run up to Xmas and funeral was the week before.
DH has been very snappy and picking at me and although I understand, could only take so much and we had an argument on Xmas Day. Kids were understandably upset, and I felt like the worst person in the World - we have not talked it out since as I feel like I cant speak to him properly without it turning into another argument! And I think his opinion on it is that I'm just nuts. We hardly ever argue but when we do, I shout to get my point across as I feel I am not heard.
We have always had underlying issues in our relationship which over the years, I have just ignored and carried on, I will list below some examples;
If we do have a disagreement, he will always tell me to calm down (even though I'm calm) before I can get my point across, leaving me quietly seething;
DH has always gone away on stag trips, football trips, football days etc with no qualms from me but whenever I want to go on a night out with friends, he will be sulky or become suddenly ill;
DH is never romantic, doesn't arrange nights out, its all down to me, but then expects me to be sexually available whenever he feels like it and then sulks when I don't;
DH has very strong bad views on women (says they are prostitutes!);
DH is lazy and lethargic around the house, I pick up after him constantly, washing, cleaning, etc;
DH constantly bemoans the fact he is overweight but never does anything about it;
DH comments on what I wear, says I'm not feminine enough, says I should wear clothes befitting a Director of a company (I kid you not);
The list goes on.
At the moment, I am considering whether I want to be with him anymore. I have always thought I would never split up our family but I don't feel myself, I feel very isolated from my friends, and I'm beginning to feel as though I am being subtly controlled, which is something I absolutely will not put up with as I saw my mum go through that with my dad.
Most of the time we bump along just fine, its not all bad, but in the last month its got me to thinking whether I am truly happy or am just there for my DC and DH.
Thanks

You have put up with being controlled from him to date but perhaps the scales are falling from your eyes now.

Womens Aid are worth contacting and I would give them a call.

Are you actually married to this man or are you merely engaged to him?.

You are in the same position as your mother was re her own H; she was controlled also and you have simply reenacted that role within your own relationship with this controlling man. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons.

His behaviours towards you are about power and control and he wants absolute over you. This from him is abusive behaviour. You have probably remained simply for the children which is never ever a good idea because it teaches them that the relationship was based on a lie. Its a heavy burden for them.

I would think this relationship bumps along fine simply and only because you do all the scut work whilst he lords it over you all. If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft he is in those pages, He is abusive towards his children as well because they see him treating you as their mother like this. Look at what he says about women; these types of men hate women, all of them. Its no legacy to leave them it really is not. Look at what you learnt about relationships, they are now in the position you were in as a child seeing controlling behaviours at first hand. They could well be in your position now going forward particularly if you remain within this abusive relationship.

@Attilathemeerkat thank you for your opinion.

I am no pushover by any stretch of the imagination and I hope my children see that as well. Just recently I have felt downtrodden and have started questioning everything. I have painted a very black picture of our relationship (I'm not defending him), my children are happy and content with both of us and I worry about the emotional impact it would have on them both if we did split up, bearing in mind we do not argue that often.
I am attending counselling next week for my own deep-rooted issues to do with my parents and I'm hoping when I come out the other side, I will be even stronger mentally.

From what you have told us, he sounds awful and your relationship sounds miserable.

@secretSantaaaaaa yes it does look pretty bleak doesnt it.
Think I'm just going to have it out with him today, tell him how i'm feeling and go from there.

I hope that counselling for your own self will be helpful. You are right to question everything. Something made you do that so run with that as well.

Controlling relationships do follow such patterns generally. Its no different from any other controlling relationship I have read about.

You cannot though fully protect your children from the overall effects of them seeing you as their mother be as controlled as you have been and still are. They pick up on all the vibes and your children hear and know more than you perhaps care to realise.

Your relationship has only been without much argument as well because your parents and he between them have ground you down to a pulp. Your H's views of women and you are disturbing to say the very least; your children are also likely aware of some of those views that he holds. Is this what you want for them as well, to learn the same damaging stuff that you did?. You subconsciously chose a man like your parents were and still are.

Having it out with him will be a waste of time because he will simply project his own unreasonable behaviours back onto you and blame you for everything. He knows how you feel and does not care.

Make your own plans on the quiet to get this individual out of your day to day lives; that is the best gift you could give your own self and your children.

Thanks @Attilathe meerkat. I suppose I was hoping that I hadn't followed in my mum's footsteps, as I do see myself as a strong person but obviously I am acutely aware of the patterns evolving which is why I am on here today.
I will do just that, make plans to look after myself and children for a healthy future!

I had to reply because I was struck by your assertion that you’re ‘no pushover’ and the similarities between your DH and my ex-H.

I am also not a pushover, in fact, I am often called a force to be reckoned with at work, I won’t let anyone walk all over me, I’m able to (politely!) but firmly stand my ground and will hold my own in an argument. Except...in a relationship. Where I am a pushover and I will make excuses for the other person and go out of my way to make sure they are happy and have everything they need. In relationships, I am a sacrificer.

OP as per rainboho at work I am also viewed as no pushover but have recently realised I am in a relationship - I think if you aren’t submissive in other areas it is hard to see that in yourself?

I also viewed myself as very different from my DM ( my DF was a very dominant narcissist who controlled DM) - again I am currently separating from my husband and it is only now I really see that I have basically repeated my parents relationship.

@rainboho & @ilovecrumpets - yes this has struck a chord with me, its possible I am submissive in a relationship, maybe just to keep the peace, not realising its a type of control.

I feel upset that I have allowed it :(

Well he has no respect for you as he has no respect for any women.
Your DH and his views are the very reason we are still viewed as 2nd class citizens to this day.
You have to shout because he doesn't want to hear you or your opinion because you are 'just a woman'
He is lazy because he doesn't believe chores etc... are a mans job.
Of course this again should fall to the little woman slave and as a god (because he is a man) you should of course look after him!
You should wear what HE wants you to wear, as again, you are a woman and need telling.... and so it goes on.
He's a blatant misogynist with no respect for women and actually seems quite proud of the fact.
Get your poor DD away from him before she ends up continuing the cycle and choosing someone just like her father.
How would you feel about that?
It's not good enough for her is it?
And it's not good enough for YOU either!!!
Respect yourself enough to leave this abusive woman hater.
You are already doing all the right things.
I hope the counselling gives you the strength you need to leave his sorry, lazy arse!!!

Don't be upset because of that.
You were conditioned from a young age to accept it as normal.
The scales are falling.
Get your ducks in a row and do what you need to do.

Thanks @hellsbellsmelons. No it is not good enough for my DD or DS or for me! I have put myself last for too long.

I needed an outside view to confirm my thoughts and thank you all for listening.

What you need to ask yourself is: can you put up with this for the rest of your life? If the answer is No, then leave. He sounds like a man child who expects you to mother him but talks to you like shit. You're worth more than that x

I almost snorted out loud when I read I'm beginning to feel as though I am being subtly controlled

There is nothing subtle about it! You live with a woman-hater. I expect he regards women as only useful for housework and sex work.

I'm surprised you are a company director. Not because of anything about you but because I'd have thought someone like him couldn't bear having a successful business woman for a wife and would have put every obstacle going in the way of your career.

Btw, I am a company director. I am wearing jeans, a hoodie and my second favourite trainers.