Growing up I was severely abused by my parents. I grew up in horrific dv situation where my dad beat my mum black and blue and beat me too. We had no hot water and no heating. My mum also abused me and would beat me and throw objects at me sometimes they’d break and shed leave me bleeding until she calmed down, she would call me names and belittle me wherever possible. She beat me once because my pad leaked on my bedsheets one night when I was 13, apparently I should be able to control that by now. I lived in utter fear of them. I had no friends too scared to have to invite anyone round to my house.
As I grew up the abuse remained and I was controlled by both of them and continuously beaten by my mum until I took the cane she was beating me with off of her one day and said if she ever hits me again I will beat her back, my dad continued to threaten to kill and beat me until I finally left the house one day suddenly with my current husband after my sister accused me of going into the bathroom to get a toothbrush while she was in the bath. She was fully dressed and deliberately refusing me access to my toothbrush when I was going to be late for a job that sacked you for being late. My dad chased me round the house threatening to kill me even though my sister had actually ripped my jumper and pinched me so hard I still have the scars from where she did it. I had to go to work bleeding with ripped clothes that day. Always hiding my abusive home I remember cleaning the blood off in the toilets at work and trying to hide my ripped clothes.
My sister who is close in age was part of their abusive ways and she couldn’t see how they manipulated her into giving them reasons to beat me. They even encouraged her to beat me and they’d watch then tell me, look what I made her do.
She was golden child and treated completely different to me. Not her fault but I’m now nc with her.
I was 22(!) when I left. have no other family.
I left that day with my husband and we rented for a while before buying a house. Now it’s 9 years later married for 6 and one 4yo.
Guess what, my husband abuses me. Only once physically but restricts money and belittles me for buying anything, I’ve never been able to pay for things myself or if I do he can see everything and comments on everything, most recently id purchased more kitchens sponges when we bought some a few months ago and that was unacceptable. He speaks to me like the dirt under your shoe and as usual is nice to everyone outside the house, I’m not allowed anywhere near his workplace, I turned up in the lobby of his building and he told me his office wouldn’t allow me in. That makes me wonder what he says about me. I doubt his family friendly company wouldn’t allow a directors wife in the building. He also says one thing then pretends he said another and acts like I’m crazy when I dispute it.
I have no one. No friends, no family only my abusive parents who act like nothing has happened. Last year husband spent £20k on holidays for us but wont give me £10 without asking me what I’m going to spend it on. We recently went on holiday and I was not allowed any cash or to leave his side at anytime. I was allowed the credit card so he could see it if I bought anything. He is a director in a big company in London. When I met him we both had not much and had no idea he would be so successful. It’s just gotten worse the more money he earns. He will then buy me expensive handbags and gifts so it looks like I am being treated well. I don’t wear them anymore.
I had a good job but my mental health declined after dd was born and I fell out with my colleagues despite working happily there for 5 years. I have no reference from that job now. I moved jobs and I fell apart and quit 4 months in. Since my dd I’ve had a complete breakdown and am now currently unemployed and feel like I can’t even get dressed for work now.
I’ve been to the CAB and women’s aid and two solicitors and they all say right now if I’m not under immediate threat I’m better off sailing along at home trying to improve my situation bit by bit. All the services are under pressure. My marriage certificates are even currently sat with a solicitor who I instructed to start the divorce then chickened out at the last minute.
The problem is my mental health is getting worse. My husband now travels a lot for work and I’m thinking to pack my bags and go back to my parents who have said I can go back there while he’s abroad (I told them I want a divorce and my mums response was but then you won’t have a nice car).
The problem is I feel like the minute I move back there it’s trouble. My dad still comments on how I dress, the length of my hair, if I’m eating too much. He is terminally ill & too sick to chase me around beating me to submission on whatever he wants so that won’t happen but just going into that house reminds me of the disgusting way I was treated. What do I do. It would only be temporary until my house is sold. But then the solicitor said I shouldn’t move out of my home either, my husband could delay the sale of the house etc. I just feel like I’m living under my husbands rule and if I don’t get out nothing will change. The only other thing I thought to do is to change the locks when he’s away with work. I locked him out once and the whole street heard about it. I can’t live with him through a divorce and he will not move out until he is forced to. He is too controlling to allow me any freedom until he’s destroyed me first.
My parents act like they never abuse me and I should be grateful I had them and I was so lucky compared to other people my age.
WWYD?
I feel so paralysed in this situation but something has to change. My husband also threatens to make sure I have nothing if I leave him. My dd is also in private school and he pays the fees. I think he’d continue to if we split but it’s just another worry as the schools in my area are quite bad so we put her in this school.
I wake up everyday just not knowing what to do. To the pit of my stomach just desperate that something might come and save me, 31 years old and just utter desperation that one day my life might be my own. I’ve never even paid a utility bill though so even that scares the shit out of me. Growing up in an abusive home makes you pretty useless sometimes as well. My mum didn’t cook us meals and do things other families did. People always refer to me as weird so I rarely feel I fit into society as a result of my upbringing.
I’ve had to learn how to live ‘normally’ since moving out of my parents house and still struggle. I also have an eating disorder because I don’t know what’s normal. I still now live off whatever is in the cupboards ie I’ll eat sweets for breakfast if that’s what’s there because that’s how I was raised, And now it’s getting worse not better with the stress I’m feeling and I’ve lost 2 stone in the last couple of months and going back to being underweight again. I still struggle with a normal grocery shop and what goes on it. I feel so pathetic when I look at others who seem to manage alone.
I should add that as my dad is on deaths door it’s only him that would allow me to move back so I feel I should move back now while I still have that option. My mum has said that she will leave everything to my sister when she dies. I feel once my dads gone that option of moving back there won’t be available to me. I am stronger than my mum now and won’t put up with her shit anymore and I don’t think she likes that. She asked me what I thought of her leaving everything to my sister, still trying to hurt me even now. I don’t play her games anymore though.
Sorry for whole life story. I just feel so down today after husband laughed in my face about something I’ve asked him to help me with.