How did you get on as a couple after the arrival of first baby?

[Rainatnight]

DP and I have been arguing a fair by since our DD arrived last February.

I think it's too much and I'm unhappy with what I see as the downward turn our relationship has taken. She sees it as the perfectly normal increased irritability that comes with having a baby and a stressful job.

I don't know if my expectations are too high - I thought we'd pull together as a team more but we seem to be getting at each other instead.

I'm really interested to know what you and your DP were like post-baby.

Thanks

Sorry that was supposed to say 'a fair bit'

And for context, we're both women and DD came to us through adoption. (I don't think this is relevant, I just mention it cos sometimes people get caught up in gender politics)

Since having DS 2 years ago our relationship is not as good. We are permanently tired as DS is a shit sleeper and we argue a lot more than we used to. It's very frustrating and sad. I'm still hoping it will change when DS starts sleeping and is a bit easier.

DD is 10 weeks old and we're doing ok but I can definitely see a change in the dynamic of our relationship. We arent arguing but we are certainly more snappy at eachother. I have the added problem of being super hormonal and the sometimes negative feelings that go with breastfeeding (being stuck to the baby etc) that my DH doesn't have not fully understands. The only advice I can give you is to be totally honest and talk talk talk. That's the only thing that's getting us through.

Our daughter is 3 month's old and a part from her obviously needing so much of our time, which used to be towards each other, things haven't really changed. We've not had a fight in the 5 years we've been together and having a child hasn't changed this, so far anyway! We're lucky she is a really good sleeper and so lack of sleep doesn't play a role in all of it. I think that would change it quite a bit.

7 months in. We haven't really noticed any deterioration. Obviously there's a change in how you spend your time, but we've enjoyed that. But, like with isitwinteryet, we have a reasonable sleeper, which helps a lot.

I know though from friends etc that it's very common to argue a lot in the first few years, so I don't think your situation is unusual. It will get better.

If you're unhappy with how it is, can you make some constructive suggestions of how things could improve? This might be coming across badly, but it sounds almost like you're saying that you expect things to be better and you just want her to magically fix it.

The main things which help in the early days are:

Communication - about what you are feeling plus what you each want/need/expect (but kindly.)
Flexibility - realising that your partner's approach isn't wrong just because it's different. Being open to trying their ideas (both of you).
Compassion - because it can be easy to be sucked into hey, my role is so hard because XYZ, why don't you care about me? Rather than recognising your partner's role is also hard for them and trying to see that first.

We have definitely been snappy & irritated with each other - but we have also pulled together as a team and bonded over our appreciation or our lo.

(of our lo)

Should add the snappiness & irritation is occasional and has lessened as lo has slept more.

10 months in. Just starting to come out the other side now!

Ours is different, I am more snappy as I am more tired, the first year was hard, we are getting better now. DP's work became really busy about a month after DD arrived (July 16) so he started working longer days. It can't be helped but I find if we get a couple of days off together we really reconnect and are much happier. We need to work on getting that feeling back when we are working too.

I also had to get a hobby as I started to resent him when we got to go out to his hobby. I now go to an exercise class 1 night a week and it makes a big difference.

If I’m honest it took 4 years to get back to ‘normal’. Things definitely got better at 18 months when dc started to sleep through. Took a lot longer to get my sex drive back though. I am really glad we stuck together.

We were really happy and in a bit of a bubble that it had finally happened and we had a baby. Made easier by our first child being very straightforward and also my husband had a lot of flexibility so was around a lot. I think it would have been a different story with a baby with reflux and a partner away a lot.

What are you arguing about? How old is your little one? Is one of you taking adoption leave and one back at work? I know in our NCT course we did a bit of looking both partners perspectives on the change having a child brings and it was useful. Especially around how both roles have stresses.

I think talking honestly is always the answer and maybe having a good think to yourself about what things are triggers for you. I know I can bottle things up and then explode about something that's not really the issue. Trying to be open earlier helps.

Our DD was a terrible sleeper for the first year, up every 1.5 hours but as soon as I stopped breastfeeding she has slept like a dream. I can’t say that it changed our dynamic negatively, my DH more than pulled his weight and this helped as I wasn’t resentful.

Are you both doing your fair share? One isn’t carrying the load a bit more than the other?

And it’s so early days I wouldn’t be too concerned, tiredness is torture and can turn you into something your not. Once you’re both over this things should get better. And I would be more inclined to let things go during these stages or the baby years as it’s very rare that parents are thinking straight.

This thread is repeating the pattern I see in real life-lack of sleep is an absolute killer! DH and I were snappy and short and grumpy and emotional for the first few months (DS was an INCREDIBLY bad sleeper due to medical issues). At times I didn't think we'd get past it, but at almost ten months we are seeing the light. DS is sleeping through, medical issues under control, we've had a few hours out for a meal together, we've got our evenings back, we're having more sex-in short things are ten times better. You have added pressure as it's an adoption, in the same way our situation was not quite 'average'. It will get better, just keep communicating and working at it

Ours has been up and down since DD arrived 9 months ago; I often feel like my life has been turned upside down while his hadn’t changed that much and even with him doing his fair share at weekends I still feel like I’m always the responsible parent and have to tell him what to do which makes me quite resentful.
I’d say both of our patience has decreased an smaller things make us fight but on the other side I love seeing how he is as a dad and I feel like I have his unwavering support.
I thought we’d be more equal as parents but the reality hasn’t really played out like that.

With ds1 we split up by the time he was 9 months. We argued and was fighting like cat and dog constantly. We were apart for 3 months. We now have a 4 month old and ds1 is 3 and we are absloutle normal. Apart from the odd tired day were fine and very much still in love.

We was young with ds1 though. And went within a week to living with parents to having our own house a baby and income changing. I blame it on that anyway lol.

First child was a huge shock to our relationship. Took ages to get back on track as you're constantly knackered and snappy

Second child has been a breeze by comparison

Hang in there, it will get better but it takes a while