My husband is a secret drinker.., how long do I put up with it?

[Joiningthegossip]

Hi everyone,
I’m new, but need some advice!:)
I’ve been with my husband 6 years, he’s 30 I’m
28 and we have two children, he has enjoyed a drink since the day we met - I’m a non drinker so quite honestly I hate it because I just watch him become this loner type drinker who’s in his own world., any whoo, I keep finding cans of cider hidden around the house, garden even empty cans put back in the fridge to look unopened. He comes in from Work looking quite clearly drunk but he will still deny it, tonight he has drunk neat Bombay sapphire and filled the bottle back up with water.. he really thinks I’m stupid it’s starting to wind me up! He obviously has an addiction but is not willing to face up to it.

I’m now on the sofa as I can’t stand sleeping next to a drunk.

What do I do now? It’s making me really dislike him as a person. In the evening he disappears “just popping to the van” “having a fag” “need to get something from the village” I know each time he has a hidden drink so he goes out to drink it, it’s just weird.

Even his mum has popped to the shop with him before and she told me he downed a drink on the way home and told her not to tell me as I will get cross, so I know he does it when I’m
Not around.

Any advice please? :) thank you x

If he was always someone who had a drink... how much, when, with who and how did you react?

Because your post could be written by the partner of an alcoholic or it could be written by the controlling partner of a normal drinker.

I could have written your post. My dp of 12 years is exactly the same. I have put up with the lies for so long it's become normal. I'm planning to leave shortly as I've been a mug for too long. Mine will not stop drinking and not go to AA. I'm over it and don't believe he will change.

So he has a drink most evenings, it never use to be much of an issue but I’d say the last 2 years he has been secretive with it.
He doesn’t go out to the pub, he just drinks at home. He does drink in front of me, this is what always baffles me, he will sit next to me and drink of an evening but then some evenings he will be secretive about it.
Like tonight he has had 1 cider at 5pm and a beer at 7pm, but he is so drunk - so each time he has vanished this evening he’s been drinking, why not just drink them in the house? Why top up bottles with water?

Heartyrebel- your right they won’t change, it’s just such a hard decision, it’s not the fact he likes a drink, it’s the lie’s I just find him odd! I don’t really like who he has become lately.

Mine will do that. Drink a beer in front of me but be sneaking out to the garage and swig vodka. I don't get it either. I drink but only socially.
He spent 3 days over new years drunk and I knew he was doing it despite denying he was drinking anything except a few beers. I found his bottle of vodka in his bag.
He's now not drank yesterday or today but I know it goes in a cycle and this will happen again - it always does.

How do you react when he drinks openly?

Is he drunk most evenings?

I think I’m quite relaxed, we just chill on the sofa I have my Diet Coke he has a cider, I even buy him some if I’m out that’s why the secret part baffles me. Last night my daughter woke so he went up to check she wAs ok, I locked up and switched everything off then went up to bed but he came back down and sat in the dark for 40min still drinking... then staggers up after I ask what he’s doing.
Oh yes heartyrebel I’ve heard the “I won’t do it again” yesterday he said he was doing dry January.... it went well :D I even joked with him about it, so why secretly drink even more?

I would say 5 out of 7 days he will have a drink, over Christmas he drunk a lot more.

Sounds worrying. The lying is a really bad sign.

Check out AlAnon for family of drinkers.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?. What is your definition of an alcoholic?. They certainly do not all sit on park benches clutching a paper bag .

The 3cs re alcoholism are again prescient here:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is albeit in different ways; you're also buying him alcohol and that needs to stop. You need to get off the merry go around too, its not known as the family disease for nothing. You're acting as his enabler and provoker; you never forget and are probably still desperately trying to hold all things together.

BTW did you grow up seeing a parent drink too much or too heavily as well?.

I would also recommend contacting Al-anon in your particular circumstances (at the very least read their literature) as well as seeking legal advice re separation.

I would also consider what your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you. Is this the type of relationship you would want for them as adults also?.

I don’t buy him drink often, if I do buy it I want him to think there’s no reason to do it in secret.

A family member died as an alcoholic so I’m aware of the damage it can cause, she drank constantly, relied on drink, could barely get out the house that’s what I see as an alcoholic.
my parents aren’t really drinkers so I guess I find it odd seeing someone needing a drink most evenings.

I do feel I’m partly controlling him, probably making matters worse.

I don’t want to leave him, I love him but I just hate lying there’s no need for it just causes arguments, even this morning I asked why he has filled the Bombay sapphire up with water? “I haven’t, don’t know how that happened” I guess it walked itself to the tap for a refill.

He needs to go to AA. His drinking isn't normal and it's having a detrimental effect on his family life. It can only get worse unless he puts the breaks on it now.

Plus - he knows it's not normal hence the filling the bottle with water and empty cans put back in the fridge.

He doesn’t think he has a problem. At the moment he’s a functioning alcoholic.

Get yourself to AA to educate yourself. They have family support groups.

Don’t choose to be blind.

You say you do not want to leave him - eventually he will leave you no choice. It will not be long given he is already drink daily and topping up secretly whilst drinking openly alongside. My STBXH did that. It was the beginning of the end. Seek help to learn detached live and boundaries- Al-Anon are great for this. And be prepared for your marriage to end, because if you do not stop enabling him, things will only get worse.

He's not getting that pissed on 1 cider 1 beer and a few cheeky swigs of gin.
Best look out for empty vodka bottles.

Maras: a cider and beer and a few “cheeky” swigs of gin could easily get him that drunk, op talks about a bottle of Bombay sapphire- so a litre of gin? It’s not only vodka and white lightning that alcoholics drink. They drink the fashionable middle class gin and craft beer too.

Op: I don’t know how you can cope with the lying. Eventually it will grind you down. I second everyone’s suggestion to approach alanon for yourself.

In a normal sized bottle of gin there are over 30 25ml measures, so half a bottle represents 15 (or more) standard pub measures. So if three cheeky swigs of gin were a third of a bottle he’s having 10 singles. That’s a lot of alcohol, and in a pub they’d think twice before serving you two pints and ten gins in one sitting.

His primary relationship is with alcohol; its not with you or your children. His next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. He cannot be honest with his own self let alone you and like many alcoholics is mired in denial.

You have to address both your own co-dependency (this often goes hand in hand with alcoholism in relationships) and enabling issues (you must not buy him alcohol any longer as this enables him) because you are also playing out roles here associated with his alcoholism. Your own recovery from this will only properly start when you have entirely removed yourself from this situation.

You state you do not want to leave him so presumably you still get something out of this relationship. What is it that keeps you with him?. I have asked you that and you have not responded maybe because you do not know. Love is not enough here, you cannot save, rescue him or love him better. He has to want to address the root causes of his drinking to excess and he does not want to. He wants you to carry the can for him.

What about your children in all this seeing your reactions both spoken and unspoken to their dad who is currently functioning. That state may well change and things could get a lot worse. He is already lying to you and to himself, expect more of the same.

You state too you know what alcoholism can do and you were exposed to an alcoholic family member. Your children are in that same position now and as they get older they will become more aware of this. You cannot fully protect them from his alcoholism.

The longer you stay the more pain it will cause you.Its hard but thousands of alcoholics give up drinking every year -it can be done-he CHOOSES not to do it.

You don’t want to leave him, but it sounds like he has already checked out of your relationship. Sorry. The bottle is his primary relationship now. He may or may not have control over it, but the effect is the same. Also, he volunteered to go down this road- it is not like alcoholism is an unknown condition.

I would say it is ultimatum time-he gets sober or you are out of there. Don’t wait until he loses his job or his health fails. It will be much more emotionally harder to leave then.

If you are not sure, look up ACOA-Adult Children of Alcoholics and see what the various lifelong effects having an alcoholic parent will have on your children.

An ultimatum however, can only be issued once; if you are not prepared to completely follow through it will lose all its power otherwise.

Check out bank statements to help assess how much he's really drinking. Alcoholism costs financially. His behaviour is similar to the only 2 alcoholics I've ever known

Seconding Attila wrt ultimatums. You have to follow through. It can be done - I have and still am. Life is immeasurably better now he is no longer living with us. Finding the strength to issue an ultimatum and stick to it is the hard bit. Go to Al-Anon and you will receive the support you need to find it. And last but not least: put your DC first. Doing that gave me the heart to boot my STBXH out. It will help you too.