Long story:
DH and I separated for a while, but are now happily back together. During the separation, my ILs were open with me, encouraged me to ring/message them any time for a chat/cry/rant. They gave an open invitation for me to visit if/whenever I would like, and really kept the connection between me and them. It was really touching. I get on well with them and they're a pretty chilled family.
My parents visited recently. During the separation, they'd stay in a cottage while visiting me and the DCs. My mum always asked on the phone how DH was, sent him a birthday card, invited him along once when they took me and DCs out for tea; my dad has been beside himself with anger towards DH and has shut off.
Anyway, my parents came to see us, for the first time since DH and I got back together, and all seemed (reasonably) amicable. We all ate together, went for a walk; pretty low-level stuff, but it felt like we were all settling back into things slowly. It was pleasant enough.
On the last evening of their visit, DH was on his way out and my mum hurried after him to give him a hug and say how pleased she was that DH and I had worked things out. She followed him out of the door, he shut it behind her, and apparently gave her a massive mouthful about her and my dad ostracising him for months, staying in a cottage and not letting him go there, encouraging me to move closer to them and take the DCs away. All this with hate and fury in his eyes.
She has been mortified about this, very upset, and says she has only ever done her best for him and has always painted him as a good dad to our DCs, regardless of any reasons for the separation. Now she will not visit us because she says she does not deserve to be spoken to like that.
The thing is, I can see her point, but I can also see DH's. I have been trying hard to distance myself and to remember that they are two adults and they need to sort out their differences. I cannot be a go-between or a fucking mediator. My parents have always expected that old-fashioned thing of everyone being polite and having 'manners', my dad's fucking lifelong catchphrase is "don't contradict me", he pretends to be this pleasant and convivial, helpful person, while being a rude, snide, emotionally abusive, authoritarian bastard. Not much of a father to me at all. My mum wants things to be all lovely and is quite naive and idealistic, they are both quite snobby and were always disapproving when I was a kid - and are now starting to go that way with my beautiful DCs.
This is getting rather long. Basically, I'm feeling like I'm being backed into a corner where, to all intents and purposes, I must choose between my parents and my husband. I can see that if my DH feels they've treated him so poorly, then my mum was seriously deluded to suddenly expect a hug, fgs. My dad is apparently 'very upset' but to be honest I am on the brink of going NC with him.
Yet, my mum can only see that she is terribly upset by DH's behaviour, when ultimately he was just expressing a lot of pent-up frustration and anger and upset. She's making it about 'how could he be so rude after I've been fair to him', when I actually would like to uphold DH's right to a) have the feelings he has, and b) express them - in the situation, as a grown man, of his MIL going after him fur a hug after what he feels were several months of freezing him out (whether or not my M&D believe they did).
Such a mess. I don't want to be caught in the middle like this. I want to tell my mum that I can't just take her side. Because I can't take anyone's side. The status quo has to change.