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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Handhold needed

12 replies

Borris · 04/01/2018 22:44

Feeling really vulnerable and frightened and could really do with some support.

In a nutshell moved about 4hrz from home 2 yrs ago for dh job. He then got made redundant and has not worked since. I'd been pt prior to this but could only get a ft position here. One dc. Primary age.

Back story - left him about 4yrs ago as horribly EA. stupidly went back after 3 mo and genuinely thought he'd changed. I know. It's my fault now I'm in this mess for being so stupid.

Anyway last 6 mo EA really ramped up again. Criticising my parenting in front of dc, talking to Je like I'm a child, sulking, blanking me, refusing my parents to visit. So much an acquaintance came to me and quietly said it's not ok how he treats you.

Today I found the courage to tell him I'm not happy being the only earner. That I want to be pt. that I'm missing out on primary years. I said he needs a job. He said he'll never work for anyone else - wants to set up his own business. I pointed out that he's had nearly 2 years to do this and hasn't so far. Apparently not been inspired so far.

I said we should move back home - more job opportunities etc for him and my old job would def take me back.

He said he will not move. He's happy here.

We agreed our relationship is broken. I said I can't get past that he said previously I'm too fat and that although he doesn't say it now I know he still thinks it - didn't deny. Plus how he speaks to me is wrong.

So we said we'd separate which I want to do but not down here. I'm trapped away from my family, friends, lovely job. But can't move back without dc.

Plus he's turn bedn reslly nice all night to me. And last time I left I had to literally walk out with him begging me not to. Despite leading up to it saying he wanted to divorce.

I'm so frightened, feel sick. Don't know what to do next. Feel trapped and lonely.

Plus I can't help thinking I am a bad parent. Dc is so much better behaved for him. Probably through fear. But then the last couple of weeks they've been thick as thieves and I've felt like the outsider.

OP posts:
Borris · 04/01/2018 22:45

Sorry should say plus he's since been really nice all evening

OP posts:
Borris · 05/01/2018 13:10

Bump

OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 05/01/2018 13:21

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run. Wiser posters than me will be along soon to offer practical advice, but I wanted to offer a hand hold in the meantime.

I can promise you that you're nether stupid nor a bad parent. The fact that your partner is criticising you and treating you so badly sounds like it's harming your self esteem (understandably).

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to move. He's got a pretty sweet life right now by the sounds of it, with you working FT to provide for your family while he doesn't work.

I understand why you want to move home. It sounds like you'll have a better support network there. Could you not change your child's school if that is what is preventing you from moving home? If you're concerned that your child is fearful of your husband, then it sounds like separating ASAP is a good idea.

I really hope things work out for you, OP. Thanks

Borris · 05/01/2018 18:27

Thanks. Yes you're prob right about the self esteem thing. I've ordered some more parenting books too but I guess it's hard on dc when we have such different approaches

I can't see how I can move dc without his consent. And tbh I'm not sure it's fair on dc without notice and time to talk through with them.

I think I'm trapped here. Perhaps have to try and make the best of life here. I do have a few friends but not like back at homeSad

OP posts:
butterfly990 · 05/01/2018 21:34

You managed to break free once you can do it again. Talk to your family, friends for support. Make the move back home.

You need to look at the long term benefits for your DC and yourself. he is being manipulative.

Borris · 05/01/2018 22:51

I have spoken with friends here and at home and both are trying to help me. The fundamental problem is I can't move my dc without his consent I don't think. I couldn't not tell her she was changing schools. But it wouldn't be fair to expect her to keep a secret. Sometimes she hates him but sometimes she loves him. ATM they're best buddies

OP posts:
rothbury · 05/01/2018 23:56

To be honest he sounds awful.

I would move out when he least expects it. Tell the DC you are going for a surprise visit home to see Nanny/Aunty J/whoever. Keep it all lighthearted.

Then call him and say you can't stay in the marriage and that your solicitor will be in touch re contact arrangements. If you are splitting you need the support of your family and friends. Flowers

Jux · 06/01/2018 00:32

You would need his OK if you moving abroad, but just moving across the country to be near your family and for greater job opportunites is perfect ly fine and rational. Do it.

He’s ramped up the EA, and he’ll keep doing whatever works to squash you into your box. Leave, sooner rather than later. It sounds to me like you’re making up excuses not to act. This is perfectly normal, but won’t be helpful in your current situation, so keep telling yourself not to do it.

Borris · 06/01/2018 14:20

Ok thanks. Maybe Easter hols then? Could then have a couple of weeks to explain to dd that she's starting a new school. Presumably I can apply (to the school we had a place for ut ended up moving in the Aug before she started school) and see if there's space for her. Would he find out?

He's been really weird. Made me lunch for work today which he's never ever done. I didn't take it. And texting to see when I'm home.

Despite on Thursday saying he thought the only option was separation (which I agreed with)

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 06/01/2018 15:01

Yes you can move without his permission. You absolutely should given the situation. I also really don't like the 'sometimes she hates him, now they're best buddies' situation - undoubtedly confusing and inappropriate for your daughter and only teaching her exactly how to have bad, abusive, conditional relationships herself. Get her away from him!

I would do as suggested above. I wouldn't tell her in advance. I'd go for an Easter visit and stay put.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/01/2018 15:01

Tell her as in your daughter - I would go at the start of Easter, do not say anything to her, then explain over the holiday that you will be staying.

altiara · 06/01/2018 15:29
Flowers I’d go ahead and set up everything for moving. You’re the only wage earner so you’ll be moving for your career, your friends and family - makes complete sense. You moved away for his job, didn’t work out so why would you stay. I don’t think you need his consent as you’re staying in the same country. Good luck Wine
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