New relationships when you have children

[namechange987]

I have just started to consider the option of dating again after me and STBXH separated last year. I have two children - 1 and 4. I met this great guy on OLD, we really clicked but he was very honest from the outset that he doesn't want to get involved with someone with children. I respect his decision and I respect him telling me that. We have however carried on chatting and in every other way we're so compatible. It's fine that nothing will happen with this guy because of this one very big incompatibility. But it's got me questioning if this is always going to be this way with anyone I could potentially meet. Are my children always going to be an issue for someone? Will anyone ever accept the package deal that the three of us are? Or will my children always be something for someone to tolerate? Because I wouldn't want that for them and I wouldn't want that for me. I thought that restarting my life, possibly even having more children way down the line was possible, but now I'm faced with the reality of that, all I can see is problems and hurdles that would have to be overcome. And what are the chances of overcoming all of them with someone you actually want to be with and who actually wants to be with you. I know it must be possible, because people are doing exactly that, but I have no idea how! I'm also not looking for a replacement husband/Dad, I'm not looking for any one thing but to know that there's no potential for something to progress beyond the superficial is also not what I want.

I'm quite sure I'm over thinking this. Can anyone reassure me that it is possible?

God, you do know half of all marriages end in divorce and most of those couples have children. The majority of them find another partner/husband/wife.

There are some people who don't want to have children or want their own but not stepchildren. They are perfectly normal people and that's their choice.

But I question why you continue chatting to someone who has been honest and doesn't want children? It seems pointless, especially if you get keen on him (and you're already saying things like "in every other we're so compatible" - the MOST important area and you are NOT compatible).

You know what you want - a man who is OK with you having kids and is happy to date you knowing that. He knows what he wants - a woman who doesn't have kids. Don't get why you're carrying on, I think it's a recipe for disaster. He may try and shag you then move on.

Most dating sites have profiles which ask people to state if they have kids, don't have kids, want kids etc. Use those answers to find the right guys for you.

You're absolutely right about the guy. I did say we should stop talking but somehow we've carried on. I do know that he is normal and it's perfectly reasonable for someone to choose they don't want to be with someone who has children. And I know that a person who wants that is not the one for me. I think the reason this is bothering me so much is because my ExH cheated on me and left me citing the reasons that he regretted having children and he should never have become a Dad. I feel very protective of my children because of this and if their own father decided he didn't want them, why would someone else choose them? It makes me really sad because they're lovely, well behaved and loving children. I know it's not about choosing THEM, as such, but I also wouldn't want someone to just put up with my children. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well at all!

Some men wouldn't mind but you are both wasting your time in this case.

I have two children, have been single almost a year and felt exactly as you did. There are a LOT of men who are not interested in someone with children. Usually the ones who do not have children themselves. To be honest, I totally get where they are coming from and personally if I didn't have kids myself I wouldn't consider dating someone who did have kids.

However, after a year of focusing on myself, and my children, I am now seeing someone who isn't put off at all by my kids. He doesn't have any of his own but is a teacher. But it just shows there are people out there, in fact I've had quite a few guys who have since shown interest.

I think when you change your attitude from worrying that people will consider them 'baggage', and realise that someone would be lucky to not only have you but have your amazing children too, then a guy will pick up on that. I'm sure I was giving off a 'i've got baggage' vibe early on, and it certainly put guys off I'm sure.

Now the guy I'm seeing knows he is lucky to even be a part of my life because I'm already loved so much by two gorgeous boys that I don't need him.

I would cut contact with the guy who isn't interested in dating you as you have kids. The reason for this is, if you like him a lot and say you are very compatible then it's going to stop you moving on and meeting other men. Plus who knows, maybe if he realises you won't stay in his life he'll realise what an idiot he's being and may change him mind. If he doesn't, remember it's his loss not yours.

Yes. I am going to stop contact with the guy. It's nice chatting to him and I know he feels the same which is why it's continued, but there's little point.

Well he is getting great chat from it, and possibly a hookup is what he's probably hoping. If you continue to chat with him you'll end up getting hurt and not moving on. Cut your losses with him, and get out there chatting to new guys. There's plenty of guys out there. Oh and work on yourself first, that's the most important thing. Have a busy and fulfilling life x

Definitely cut the contact. Only one loser if it carries on....You!