I don’t know if this is the right place to post this? Happy to ask for it to be moved if someone can tell me where.
Regular poster but name changed for this.
I experienced some mild abuse as a teenager that I thought I had dealt with in counseling but a few days ago I spoke to another person who I thought might have also been abused by the same person. I’ve carried enormous guilt about not speaking up for years, thinking other people might also have been involved, and that my silence made me complicit.
Now I realize that it was in fact just me. Or just me at that particular time. I think there was someone else years before me but at that period of time, out of all the people that he could have chosen, it was just me.
Why me? I can’t get away from this question. What was it about me that made me a target? I feel as if he saw something in me? Like those feelings of worthlessness that I’ve spent years working through in counseling were right after all. That there is something very very wrong in me.
It seems so stupid to type this out. I feel like I could answer my own post. Of course it wasn’t your fault etc etc
But it doesn’t feel like that. I can say all this affirmative stuff but deep down inside it feels like an awful, inescapable truth. Why me? Why none of the others? What was it he saw in me?
I feel so contaminated. I feel like any moment my dh is going to see me as I am and recoil, like it’s only a matter of time before he sees through me.