Have name changed as I don't want to be outed and am sharing sensitive info. Apologies, this might be long.
I've been married to DH for 13 years (together for 16 years). We have 4 dc (10, 7, 5 and 2). I thought we were happy. Until I discovered last summer that DH had developed a gambling problem. He says it started 2 years ago when I was on my knees with pud and sleep deprivation and he started helping out with the night waking and played on his phone sat next to DC4's cot. When I first found out (I caught him playing online roulette just a few weeks after I had taken out a loan on his behalf for what he claimed was a legitimate debt and I put 2 and 2 together) I was supportive and understanding. Helped him access Gamblers Anonymous and put together a plan of how to overcome his addiction.
However, in the last 6 months I have uncovered more and more lies and deceit about money (stretching right back to when we met). The debt is in excess of £100k and he spent all our savings and the children's savings. Thank goodness pretty much all our finances (except savings and property) have always been separate or I would be in a much worse situation.
He has tackled his gambling problem and I'm pretty sure he has not gambled (except a couple of goes with "free money", which I soon put a stop to) since June. He attends GA every week and is going to counselling.
But the lying and the scale of the deception have taken their toll. I no longer trust or respect him and I think I have stopped loving him. I can't see how I can ever forgive him for betraying me, deceiving me and lying to me. And I can never trust him again, because problem gambling can only be arrested, it can never be cured.
He also seems to be in a dream world about the level of debt he is in and seems to think it will magically disappear. He earns a good wage and can cover repayments at the moment, but he refuses to consider what might happen if his income were to drop at all. I have had to prompt and push him every step of the way in getting him to acknowledge and tackle his gambling and financial problems. He has been very much of the opinion that if he doesn't gamble and repays at least the minimum each month it will all be sorted. I think he's papering over huge cracks.
He's always been very reluctant to open up to me about finances. What he earns is "his" and what I earn is mine. We've always split bills etc equally - even when I dropped to part-time. I'm fuming as I've now discovered that despite earning FIVE times what I do, he's always expected me to contribute 50% to our living expenses.
We've been to a couple of Relate sessions and I have accessed individual counselling to try and work things out. We have 4 young DCs and I'm a catholic - divorce would be a complete last resort. But, over the last few weeks I think I've come to the realisation that our relationship is probably at an end.
I even got as far as telling DH that it was over - but he begged me to give him until March to "put things right" because he doesn't want to lose me. Suddenly he wants to change. Suddenly there will be no more lies (although he's spun me that line a few times over the last 6 months!). He said he will make me love him again.
We're going back to Relate in the next couple of weeks. I just don't know at what point to admit that it really is over. The thought of divorce is very scary. It's something I never thought would happen to me. When do we stop trying and call it a day?