Trusting family with dc. Poss trigger?

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

I have 2 dc and I am increasingly finding it difficult in evaluating what alone time I allow them to have with family members.

As a child I was sexually abused by two different men. 'Luckily' neither abuse was overly severe, or sustained, although one was prolific and the police were involved. One of the after effects of this is that I am suspicious of men around children. Not in that I see a paedophile on every corner, but it's an awareness I have that it happens, it's easily kept secret, and that you can't really tell who might behave this way.

I'm finding this particularly difficult when it comes to my dc, and my stepdad. He has given me not one single cause for concern, and actually has a lovely relationship with the dc and they're very, very fond of him. I think it's because he's a close enough relation that he sees the dc a lot, but that although I've known him for almost 20 years, I didn't really grow up with him so in some respects there's some unknown elements.

It makes me feel like shit, partly guilt from even thinking this - and he has certainly done nothing to cause it - but also because I tie myself up in knots worrying about letting the dc spend time with him alone. But it's an unanswerable question. It's down to trust.

I'm thinking about this lots at the moment in particular as ds1 has a hobby which it would help me out a lot if someone could take him to. The obvious person for this for various reasons is my stepdad. I know both ds1 and stepdad would really enjoy this, ds1 would love to 1-1 time and stepdad is always beyond lovely and kind to the dc. He's their grandad.

But I can't bring myself to ask just yet. On the one hand I think - what if this is an instinct, and nothing is worth not protecting your dc. On the other I think - you've got to let yourself trust some people in your life, and given his relation to me, it would make sense for me to make him one of those people.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm going round and round in circles in my head. Dh sees no reason to not trust my stepdad, though he appreciates he doesn't have the experiences I have had. He's happy for me to make the decision but I'm finding it so difficult. I just want to protect the dc and worry that allowing alone time might be the biggest failure I could ever make for them.

Am I being completely OTT?

No advice but I’m in a similar situation. I can only leave DD with my mum, it’s so true that it seems impossible to know who to trust as abusers often seem the kindest and most genuine. I’ve made the decision to just not leave her with anyone I feel uncomfortable with - no matter how ridiculous it may seem, I have to trust my instincts. Except my mum, the only time I’d leave her is somewhere that is constantly monitored and there’s no chance of anything bad happening.

It's awful isn't it? I'm constantly tying myself up for not trusting, but then feeling it's just safer that way. Then again both my abuse took place with one of my parents there, so it's almost as if it's impossible to ever fully protect.

H’s relative is on sex offender register for touching a minor so I know what you mean. Will never leave dd there obviously.Very scary.DD goes to the childminder there’s a son and a husband there helping out with the kids and I don’t feel very comfortable with that either.i won’t leave dd with anyone otherwise it’s just scary I so understand your point. I wouldn’t trust your stepdad if you don’t know him very well

I think your feelings are totally understandable. Are you able to discuss this with your Mum?

Toast unfortunately not. She'd take utter, grave offence. I might try to have a chat with my sister at some point.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Your feelings are completely understandable.
I'm a bit disgusted that your mum can not understand your struggles! Has she supported you in what happened?

That’s such a shame fbecause r all concerned. If she could only open her eyes and ears to it she could go some way in reassuring you by putting certain boundaries in place that make you feel better... I think your feelings are totally understandable. It’s not personal to your step dad at all...

Shame for all concerned that should have said

I understand your struggle and think being careful is very wise. However l would see the fact that your ds would love to have alone time with sgf as a healthy sign . I spend a lot of my childhood with my gf. I idolised him, following him everywhere. Nothing ever happened except total trust and happiness. My friend was abused by guy in the house while her dm was upstairs. Another friend was abused by her gran for years.
But you have to be happy with it . The age of dc would decide this too as the older the better.

Taylor no, she wasn't supportive. Well the first time she was because that was easy - no one connected to her. The second time it was, and actually she didn't believe me. She asked me whether it was true a few years ago, I said yes, she said 'well that's disgusting then'. Yes, quite.

June that's partly my struggle. I was very close to my beloved grandad and I would like my dc to have that opportunity. And for various reasons, my stepdad is really the only opportunity for that. And he's wonderful with them. I don't have any concern about him other than it feels easier to be suspicious of someone you don't know 100% (though I have known him almost 20 years).

I think it's partly because the hobby is swimming and would involve getting changed etc. But really, I know that anyone that way inclined finds a way, so that's a red herring really.

I wouldn't trust him especially if you cannot trust your own mum to prefect her GC.

I think your feelings about this are a deep-rooted response to what happened to you and your mum's failure to believe you or protect you. Your stepdad is her partner, and shes shown that terrible things can happen under her nose and she won't step up. He could be Mary Poppins and you'd still be having these misgivings, because your trust in family has been damaged by what was done to you.

That's just my opinion though and may be bollocks. Either way, I don't think you should do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You need to feel that your dd is safe.

Yes the more I'm thinking about it, I think that's also at play. I've really buried what my mum did in disbelieving me because it's actually too horrific to contemplate her being capable of that. Although actually, my dad didn't believe me either, when I went to tell him as my 'safe space'.

Shitty parents in many ways.

My mum minimised and didn't believe me either. I remember one stellar occasion where she cornered me in the kitchen and said "It's nothing, he just got confused...I hope you're not going to make a big song and dance about this". I didn't, of course. Just sucked it up and felt like crap.

for you

I hear you, I have the same struggles but my abuse was by older children. So anywhere children can be alone together i panic.
I guess you just have to trust your instincts and if your not comfortable don't push it

I totally understand. I was abused by my father and I really struggle trusting anyone with my boys (have never left them with anyone, except a crèche twice with lots of people around). I 100% believe my DH would never do anything to hurt them, but I also know that spouses of abusers would often say the same which makes it so difficult. My DH suggested things to make it easier for me as he completely understands why I struggle so much. Not sure if there's anything you could put in place to help?

I was exactly the same when my DD was young. When she got towards the age that I was when I was assaulted (9) I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and when I got hysterical that she was walked home from her friend's house alone with the friend's DF I realised I needed to address it. I ended up having rape counselling which really really helped.

I am the same, I actually said this to my husband the other day I question everybody. I have never suffered abuse but my mum has. And growing up we weren't allowed to be left with anyone except grandparents.
Now I am the same I will only leave DD with grandparents. I am a teacher which doesn't help, we have had many horrific cases and disclosures.
I understand your train of thoughts OP and if it was me I wouldn't allow SD to bring her swimming. Sorry.

Given your experiences the only positive is that you know that you would believe your children and you can assure them that now. That anything they’re uncomfortable with about anyone they can tell you and you’ll stop it, quietly if they’d prefer.
If you haven’t already then start building this understanding with your ds. As you say it won’t be who you expect anyway so this is a wise thing to do anyway.

Thanks so much everyone. I speak to ds1 fairly regularly about people never asking him to keep a secret, how his pants area is his alone etc - and conversely how he must always stop touching someone if they ever ask. I just worry about how it works in practice, especially if the abuser is someone he trusts. I'll keep mulling it over.

Thank you again