Hi there,
I am new to Mumsnet. I can't talk to my friends because they all love my Husband and I don't want to bother them anyway... thank you for reading. I met my Husband nearly 7 years ago. Married 4. We were happy for years but always had issues with arguing. His temper is terrible and he gets very nasty. But likewise I can loose my temper at the wrong time of the month (I suffer badly with PMT). He smokes ALOT of weed but of course this is nothing to do with his temper…..
We don't work, it's that simple really. I should have known after our first horrendous argument after only being together a month. We go through phases of it being terrible and then being happy. Those happy times are becoming less and less. He has said such horrible things to me that I have become more and more distant towards him. I feel like I actually hate him at times (maybe this is normal in marriage?) Please don't get me wrong, he can be a lovely Husband too and does so much for me and can be very selfless. He works incredibly hard at his business and does anything for anyone.
We haven’t slept in the same bed together for years now. Not because of the arguing but I have had huge sleep issues due to childhood trauma but TBH I don’t think I’d want to now anyway. He’s been good at giving me my spare (as I know its not easy) but throws it back in my face every argument. Even belittles the abuse I went through (it was mental abuse, people tend to think that it’s nothing if it’s not sexual or physical, he is unfortunately one of those people that thinks I should ‘just get over it’).
We have a house together and a gorgeous dog who we both love dearly. So, no children which would make things easier if we split (which is what I'm seriously considering) but it still wouldn't be a walk in the park. We only brought our house last year which nearly finically broke us (the arguments then were constant) and we would loose so much we have worked so hard for if we sold. He would get the dog (I know he's only a dog but it would break my heart).
However, the worse thing is we both have herpes. It feels strange even typing this as we haven't told anyone. He had it when we got together but didn't realise… well, the Doctor gave him an incorrect diagnoses so he knew he had something. Of course I caught it after a few months and we both told the devastating news. I would like to add, neither of us have slept around, we were just really unlucky. The thing is, is I resent him so much for it now. I didn't at first, I was very reasonable about it as he didn't know... but as time goes on I feel trapped. I keep trying and trying to make it work but I'm tired (as I’m sure he is too). But I will never meet anyone now, not with what I have so my choice is to be on my own forever but maybe that's a better option.... I just don't know. I'm only 39.
I’ve just started a new job this week. A high up position and fantastic opportunity. He’s been really supportive but then tonight he goes mad… over something I really didn’t deserve (yep, in my first week). Called me a dickhead and said he hated being married (this isn’t unusual). So now I have to go to my new job tomorrow acting the confident me, in charge of a department but feeling so rubbish, unconfident and so very unhappy.
I don’t know what to do. There is a whole other issue of me not wanting sex… he says he’s too scared to ever try anything now because of rejection. I feel terrible for this, that must be horrible for him but I just don’t want it. I’m not sure I love him anymore after all of the arguing and I struggle to be intimate unless things are really good.
Sorry this is so long. I never intended to write so much. Thanks for reading.
Rachel