Really not sure where to start with this. I've name changed as although I'm not regular poster some of the details are outing. Just to add I'm venting. I haven't told a soul and just need an outlet to speak so here goes.
Ex and I split several years ago. Nobody else involved. I instigated it as I was tired of his anger, control, and ungrateful attitude. I was completely in love with him but realised that no matter what I did it was never going to be good enough. I grew tired of trying to please/ placate him. The split was horrible. He was awful. After a year he met someone else. It triggered my breakdown. At this point he was vile. Threatening to take away my children ( for being on antidepressants)being verbally abusive and withholding money. He refused to let me see the children on significant days because that was HIS time even though I bent over backwards to facilitate him seeing the children on my time if it was a significant event. With the help of friends and various organisations I ditched the medication, blocked his calls and started divorce proceedings. Things completely calmed down. Ex stopped being as confrontational and it was very pleasant.
Fast forward to the past 18 months. For a while I'd noticed ex was flirting with me. I ignored it for a while but it became more frequent. It made me feel uncomfortable because he had a girlfriend and I knew if I confronted him about it he'd have said I was reading too much into it and he was "only joking" . Anyway, several months ago Ex splits with his girlfriend. Turns out that this perfect life I believed he had was rubbish. All the aggravation I got was him projecting his issues onto me. My instincts always told me he was more hurt by the split than he would ever admit. There were times that he would buy me gifts that I know id be upset if a bf bought that for his ex. To cut this short, I'd always quietly believed he still had feelings for me but never said a word. I never thought it would amount to anything.
Well for the past few weeks we have been sleeping together. I don't know why im doing this. I'm angry with myself. It's not like we've had a discussion about things because in all honesty I've no idea of what I want. This needs to stop for all our sakes. But for mine most of all.