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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH says they're just good friends, should I believe that?

42 replies

Unicorn17 · 03/01/2018 18:53

4 months ago DH met a woman through work. She was giving him advice for his business and before long they were meeting up regularly for drinks to discuss ideas. One time I was expecting him home for dinner but by 10pm he wasn't home and not answering his phone. When he finally phoned me back he told me he was with her in a restaurant and that they'd been gossiping and forgot the time and that "he hadn't laughed like this in ages".

He told me that he'd made a really good friend. Perfectly fine, I thought.

However, after this he would meet her without me knowing. He wasn't being openly secretive just omitting to tell me. When I found out about these meetings, which were quite like dates - pubs, lunch at restaurants, country walks - I started to feel worried . At home he is always too tired and withdrawn to go out or do anything with me .

When I raised my concern about the woman, he was defensive - he called me paranoid and said he felt like I didn't like him socialising. He said I didn't like him having friends.

Now I am crippled with feelings of jealousy and self-doubt. He's always back late from work and doesn't answer my texts and when I ask him where he's been he's vague.

On NYE when he'd fallen asleep drunk I took a look at his messages. I only saw the most recent ones but the language was all, "I miss you", "my lovely", "when can I see you?" from both of them.

His relationship with her has made me feel rejected and stupid.

I've told him how I feel and he's told me not to be so ridiculous. He said he's not doing anything wrong, they're just friends and he's not having an affair with her.

I can't carry on feeling this way but I don't know what to do next. Should I believe him? Should I just accept his friendship with her? Or should I walk away? How can I cope with this horrible jealous feeling?

OP posts:
Lostlily · 03/01/2018 18:58

hmm sounds very unhealthy to me, If he cant do these things with you, he shouldn't be'missing' and 'really looking forward' to doing them with another woman, He shouldn't be staying out late and ignoring texts.
I'm afraid it all sounds a bit shockingly obvious Sad

expatinscotland · 03/01/2018 18:59

Ask yourself this question, 'Do you speak to your close friends like this?' Does he speak to his close male friends like this? Do you become uncontactable when you're with your close friends?

He's gaslighting you, calling you paranoid and making you feel bad.

About his affair.

Pretty classic, but then, he's a classic spoony, affair with a work colleague.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 03/01/2018 19:00

He's behaving shockingly. Essentially he is doing all the coupley stuff with her and then too tired/no interest in doing stuff with you.

Do you love him? Do you want your marriage to work?

Jenala · 03/01/2018 19:02

I'm sorry he's doing this. It's totally unacceptable. Please don't let him make you doubt yourself.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2018 19:03

You really need to ask ? Confused

Overthehillsandfaraway8 · 03/01/2018 19:06

It's pretty obvious op... you need to leave him .

guestofclanmackenzie · 03/01/2018 19:07

I'm really laid back with my DH but I would be hopping mad at the cosyness of the "date like" outings.

Pub lunches, restaurants, and country walks?? and no time or energy to spend with you?

And that's without even mentioning the text messages.

You know the answer OP. Wake up!

Sassy306 · 03/01/2018 19:08

Yes he can have female friends and yes he can socialisenwith them occasionaly providing its not at tye expense of quality time with you but He definetley shouldn't be telling another woman he misses her unless that woman is family or someone he hasn't seen for months!

If its not an affair already it could turn that way so knock it on the head now and lay down some ground rules and if he doesnt agree to these measures to help give peace of mind to the woman he is meant to love unconditionally then pack his bags!

laurzj82 · 03/01/2018 19:09

Sorry OP Flowers

Jenala · 03/01/2018 19:10

My DP says you should basically show him your post - or at least a nice bullet pointed list of all the shit and the reasons of why you feel that way to make it undeniable. Show him and ask him if he truly can look at the facts and still say you're being unreasonable. May put stuff in perspective. For both of you.

Msqueen33 · 03/01/2018 19:11

Wow he’s done a number on you! He’s not interested in you, he’s essentially going on dates with this woman whose given him the best laugh in ages and you don’t think something is up?! Physical affair or not this is definitely an emotional affair where he has all the non physical intimacy but none of the guilt and can put it under friends. He’s making a dick out of you.

PeppermintPasty · 03/01/2018 19:12

Sorry, he's having an affair, and he's making you doubt yourself. If you were outside looking in, you'd be able to see it, so don't feel bad about that too. He's the one in the wrong.

KungFuEric · 03/01/2018 19:13

Christ I can't imagine how hurtful it must be.

Leave him op, he's already in a relationship with her.

BarbarianMum · 03/01/2018 19:18

Of course it's not OK. I'm pretty secure, dh has several female friends, but that? No way.

halfwitpicker · 03/01/2018 19:19

You're kidding, right?

Funny how they never make friends with old men.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2018 19:23

I'd pack his bags and tell him to go crash at his girlfriend's house whilst I got some space to determine why I've been putting up with a lying, gaslighting slag like him. When he fired back with his 'you're paranoid/don't like me having friends/socialising,' I'd just call him on his BS. 'You're a liar who's cheating on me.' Bet he's telling her all the usual lies that you don't have sex, sleep in separate rooms, only together for the kids/pension/house, etc.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2018 19:24

'Funny how they never make friends with old men.'

Exactly.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 03/01/2018 19:25

My XH had a friend like this. He's now married to her.

I have lots of friends. I don't call any of them 'my lovely'. I'm currently seeing a guy and we call each other 'my lovely'.

You know what's going on. Don't let him blindside you.

troodiedoo · 03/01/2018 19:26

How shitty of him Angry poor you Flowers

You are not going crazy. His behaviour stinks.

Do you really want him back? If so taking care of yourself, finding a new interest and having some fun and being vague about it might bring him to his senses. If not then ducks in a row first then ltb.

I do at least hope you're not doing all the childcare while he's out galvanting.

esk1mo · 03/01/2018 19:27

blatant affair

rainbowduck · 03/01/2018 19:29

My husband and I are both tactile people. We are openly very affectionate with each other and our kids, we hug our friends, we call everyone with affectionate names, BUT when we say things like 'miss you' it's generally only to good friends and their families.

However, there is no secrecy. That's the killer here.

If he is hiding stuff from you, then he is very likely that he is having an emotional affair.

I am sorry OP

Msqueen33 · 03/01/2018 19:33

If you said to him it’s making you uncomfortable would he care enough to stop seeing her?

Zeelove · 03/01/2018 19:34

Shagging

GlitterSparkles17 · 03/01/2018 19:34

I hope all these replies have helped you see what is going on. He’s trying to make you doubt yourself by saying your paranoid, your not paranoid you are having a perfectly normal response, the same response i would have if this was me in your situation. How he’s acting is so far over the line!! I know it’s easy for us all to say kick him out but this is your life and your husband. You can’t keep going on like this, tell him how you feel and don’t back down, if he refuses to stop the texts and dates (because they ARE dates) then you need to give him an ultimatum, and to be honest if he refuses then you know where you stand with him, a good husband would always put his wife first.

littlenicky61 · 03/01/2018 19:43

Seeing as she is such a good friend tell your husband to invite her round to dinner - his reaction will tell you what you need to know. After all if she is a lovely womam who is just a friend then why would he not want you to meet her