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Relationships

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Original poster

ExH introducing new partner to teenagers. Do I say anything?

20 replies

NewView · 03/01/2018 18:31

Split up 18 months ago. STBXH started seeing someone in the autumn.. She hasn’t met our children yet and I’m pretty sure he’s planning they do meet at a large social gathering, with the plan being that she stays over after and so do DD and DS.
Do I say anything? He is EA and I’ve been trying to go Grey rock. It just seems potentially very crass to have them next door listening to the two of them having sex after they’ve all just met for the first time.
I know I should be able to rely on him considering them, but that doesn’t seem to happen!

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/01/2018 19:34

It would be crass. But hopefully shagging in the next room might be a line they won't cross. You're not sure this is actually their plan however. Perhaps have a general conversation about what you both should do in the case of new partners. For example not having new partner sleeping over until the children have got to know them and are comfortable with the idea.

Nan0second · 03/01/2018 19:39

Don’t say anything. It’s not any of your business, unless you want him to have a say in your partner or any details involving them...

Original poster

NewView · 03/01/2018 20:53

I can’t easily have any sort of conversation with him at the moment. I probably have to leave it and hope he shows more discretion than I think he will...
I’m not interested in interfering except trying to prevent hurt to my two.

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 04/01/2018 00:35

So 12 months without a partner, and he’s thinking of introducing this one after something like 4-5 months of dating?

Seems reasonable to me and, tbh, not any of your business. I’m sorry that he’s EA towards you but him introducing her after that sort of period doesn’t sound like a problem.

Guavaf1sh · 04/01/2018 00:39

Not sure what grey rock is but say nothing it is indeed none of your business. Changedname is right - timeframe seems reasonable

IntoTheFloodAgain · 04/01/2018 00:40

It would be no different to them meeting a partner who lives with him. They’d still be sleeping in the next room?

Do you have a partner OP?

worriedaboutchristmas · 04/01/2018 01:45

Why would they be listening to them having sex? Surely dc would be asleep or they'd be quiet or go without that night? They've been together 6 months- a non confrontational social gathering where people are mixing and busy means the introduction will be low key which seems like a good low pressure option for the first time?

Ps: Parents have sex in the room next door to their dc ALL THE TIME. I did it this morning. That's not in anyway harmful to my dc. My two are not harmed by that.

sykadelic · 04/01/2018 02:08

I don't think you should say anything simply because it wouldn't do any good.

FWIW I agree with you. I think the timing is fine, it's more that introducing the kids BEFORE having her stay over is a far better idea. I like the idea of meeting her at a large gathering, it's just very sudden for them imo. They need to get used to the idea of someone else before she stays over with them there (esp if he doesn't have them a lot anyway, sometimes it's common for the kids to get resentful that they're getting less attention and therefore don't like the new person).

Original poster

NewView · 04/01/2018 07:07

sykadelic - That’s it exactly.

I wondered if I should say anything, because I want to protect them from hurt. That’s my only motivation.
No, I don’t have a partner. I know I’m not ready for another relationship.

And worried. Seeing their Dad doesn’t make her their parent! And of course people hear what’s going on in elsewhere in a house, whether they are listening or not.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 04/01/2018 07:11

Think you're gonna have to suck this one up OP. If your dc have adjusted to the split then it will be a non issue for them. Its an issue for you as much as you feel your concerns are for them. Whatever you do don't let them see you have an issue with it.

Mumhomealone · 04/01/2018 07:12

I would be less worried about sleeping arrangements and more worried about them meeting her at a social gathering. Introducing a new partner in front of a load of other people isn't a great idea imo.

InfiniteSheldon · 04/01/2018 07:21

Sounds like a reasonable amount of time and a suitable occasion. I think you are catastrophising about the imagined sex and need to move on. He's your ex and you can't control what he does when he does it or with whom he does it.

CosmicCanary · 04/01/2018 07:28

I dont think saying anything will change your exes mind.

You have no idea if they will have sex or not and it seems a little odd that you are thinking about it.

Original poster

NewView · 04/01/2018 07:31

I haven’t said anything to them and I won’t. I try not to ever say anything negative about him to them. I wondered if I needed to say anything in their interests and I’m relieved not to have to get into more conflict, to be honest. Thank you.

OP posts:

Mrsknackered · 04/01/2018 07:39

You're not ready for a partner now, but honestly OP I wouldn't say anything. The likelihood is one day you will meet someone, and you do not want him to have a leg to stand on when he makes his demands.

By all means, say how you wish for them to meet and say you're not comfortable with them staying with her for the first night, but sadly, he doesn't have to take the suggestion.

Justbreathing · 04/01/2018 10:12

I think everyone is right, it's pick your battles time. Win the war!

Do you think he would react badly if you had a new partner? if in anyway you think he might then you have to take the high ground here.

18months is a decent amount of time for re-adjustment

Blobby10 · 04/01/2018 10:17

NewView I was in your position late 2016 and got some great advice from Mumsnet - "suck it up - none of your business" was a recurring theme . I finally acknowledged (to myself only of course!) that I was jealous that he had moved on before I felt able to. Now I've met someone new and he met the kids after 6 months of dating and has stayed over when they've been in the house - no sex though as I would be too worried about someone else hearing to enjoy it! . Their Dad is now on 'serious' girlfriend number 4 (in 12 months) so I'm sure he will be introducing her to them soon

Good luck - its a horrible position to be in x

loveyoutothemoon · 04/01/2018 11:06

I think the right thing to do would be do introduce on a separate occasion to the staying over but you can't stop him can you. You could talk to him and show him your concerns but considering that you don't get on well with him, probably means he'll disagree with you anyway.

Teatreedelight · 04/01/2018 11:33

Unfortunately there is little you can do.

You do sound a bit resentful in your posts and come across like it is you that doesn't like the idea rather than anything else. Are there still some unresolved feelings on your side from the split?

worriedaboutchristmas · 04/01/2018 12:09

I wasn't suggesting that she is in any way their parent. He is. It's normal for parents to have sex. Not harmful to children or teens in normal
Circumstances. Though I'd read the op with the impression that a large social gathering would mean lots of people sleeping over.

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