Relationship advice for new parents

[chocolate8ball]

My husband and I are expecting our first baby this spring. Some friends have warned that being (new) parents will be the toughest challenge for a couple's relationship. I think they meant different views on parenting, stressing over the baby, compounded by a lack of sleep. Someone also mentioned her husband felt quite neglected after the baby.

I wondered if anyone had advice on how to handle this? I want to still like my husband after the baby!

Advice for the Dad: Take the baby. Often. Without being asked.

@Cbeebiesgurl yes! Though if I'm on maternity leave and he's working, asking him to do the night shift feels a bit mean...

I think working out who is going to do what ahead of time is a good idea.
I am due very soon and my husband and I are sort g out a rota. Which nights of the week he is going to do alone, which I am doing alone and which we are going to share.
Being in maternity leave does not mean doing anything. It's there to recover and bond as well as care.

We have also discussed how he dislikes being thrust the baby when he gets in from work everyday, but some days it's fine, and a five minute chat makes all the difference.

Keep communication open, don't be a martyr, and make him pull his weight.

I don’t think the pp meant night feeds but him taking the baby off your hands for an hour or so when he’s home from work shows he knows how hard your day has been too, because trust me it’s just as hard as going to work if not harder, infact I personally think going to work is a nice break sometimes. I’m currently on maternity leave and at the weekend me and my husband take it in turns to do the night feeds then have a lie in. So we each get a good nights sleep.
If baby has a bedtime (once he/she is a few months old and you have more of a routine established) then this gives you and your partner alone time to be more than just Mum and dad.

It will be testing but i feel as long as your both fair people you will make it through. There’s no room for selfishness when you start having kid together, it builds resentment.

Though if I'm on maternity leave and he's working, asking him to do the night shift feels a bit mean...

But you will be working all day too, with a baby. Honestly, you will. When he goes to work, he at least gets to set his own schedule, stare at the wall for a few uninterrupted seconds and go to the loo without an audience. You won't get to do that for a good couple of years once the baby arrives. Asking him to do the odd night when you're touched out by a baby who won't be put down or you've been surviving on 90 minute blocks of sleep won't kill him, honestly. I went back to work full time when both of mine were still multiple night walkers and I coped fine. It was hard, but you have to do what you have to do.

My best advice is don't get into a competition over who's the most exhausted, who does the most around the house, who has the easiest life etc. If he's a decent guy and is genuinely pulling his weight, you'll both be doing it very tough for a few years, especially if you decide to have another baby in fairly short order. Your responsibilities will be different, but most likely equally exhausting. Keep a line of communication open about this the second you start feeling even slightly hard done by in terms of who does what around the house or in terms of work/childcare - he may be starting to feel the same way, so you need to nip it in the bud.

Note to Dads, when handed the baby take them and don't ask "why what are you doing?" Note to Mums, let Dads actually do stuff and don't be too critical. Also Dads, support breastfeeding, it will get you out of doing nights for the first year.

Talk to each other, and listen to each other. Don’t be afraid to ask for a break or a nap or whatever you need, and I agree with a pp who said don’t get sucked into the “who is more tired/busy/a better parent” thing which may sound ridiculous now but believe me when you’re so sleep deprived you forget your own name it’s tempting.

Hi op ,
Pps have pretty much covered it all so I'll just say that you should be kind and patient with each other. Also , if you need something just ask - don't be yearning for a 30 minutes soak in the bath but say nothing to your partner. You'll just end up feeling resentful that way.

Also if you take the night feeds (I do because dp works rotating shifts which is a nightmare all round) do say if you're on your last legs! Make an arrangement like ours - you do the nights and your dp gets up at 6:00 with the baby so that you can have a few hours uninterrupted.

1. CONGRATULATIONS - you are about to be become the richest people in the world!
2. Communication is EVERYTHING
3. Ensure you share the burden - and joy (of course)
4. Always work together and support each other - even if you disagree on something. Never undermine or let yourself be undermined. Take the disagreement away from the children and sort it out separately. Children will spot and use any discord against you from an incredibly early age
5. In equal measure, make time for i) the new family unit together ii) for your own relationship (make sure this is distinct from the family unit) iii) for yourselves individually (have your own "me time" and your other half gets his "me time"). Much much easier said than done. If you can't honestly say you are doing those things, then wheels will come off to some degree at some point down the line.

I agree that it's a huge challenge, but it's also a huge joy - so make sure you do enjoy - GOOD LUCK

We've just had our second. I would say the biggest test to our marriage is lack of time together. There is very limited time when both children are asleep - I swear they have a radar and one will wake up if DH and I try to even cuddle up to each other. If you can, try to make plans with someone to look after baby for a couple of hours so you can spend a little time just the 2 of you. My sister watches our 2 for us roughly one Saturday afternoon a month. We don't have money to go out all the timebut it's lovely to curl up on sofa together, with no child between us and no one crying for us.

As pp said, try not go get into competition over who does what. If you are planning to breastfeed then your DH should expect to do most of the housework for a while even if you are home. I am still breastfeeding my 3.5 month old on demand.she still feeds A LOT. I try to keep things tidy in between feeds but struggle to get things done like wash floors. I'd suggest you raise this with DH. Could make a list of what needs doing during day. Do what you can, even if it takes you 4 attempts to empty dishwasher, and DH does the rest when he gets home.

Don't forget to ask each other how your day has been, rather than each launching its how shit you've had it.

Thank you all so much, this is great advice.

I think lots of people, men and women (at least those who haven't had children), think being on maternity leave isn't really 'work', i.e. is easier and there's time for small naps and some housework. Is that totally not true then?

Do NOT offer/agree to take on his share of housework 'because you're on mat leave'. I made this mistake with DC1 (I offered because I was a naive idiot). You will categorically not have extra time - if you're BFing, you'll be parked under a feeding baby constantly and shattered from doing all night feeds; if you're FFing, you'll be washing bottles and making up feeds all day, and with either feeding method, you'll be spending your day trying to fit in a shower or a wee around naps, then you'll suddenly realise it's 5:30pm and wonder where the fuck the day went. Fortunately, DH realised that it was a stupid idea first time around as well, so we kept our usual even split of household tasks when I was on mat leave with DC2. Worked much better.

X-post with you OP

is easier and there's time for small naps and some housework. Is that totally not true then?

Not even remotely true, sorry. Not unless you get one of those changelings that is born having swallowed Gina Ford's book.

I think what people forget is that maternity leave is not transition from a working woman to the house skivvy, it’s to care for your baby and babies are 24/7 you won’t get an hours lunch break like your partner, and don’t get to clock out at 5pm.

Such good advice to stay away from the competition of who is most tired etc. Also about the Dad taking the baby in the morning from 5 until 6 or 7. Also I found I needed to know when I was going to get help or a break so knowing when your partner will be home from work but also knowing that they aren't coming home to do emails or diy. We did eventually figure it out in the end when baby was about 5 months old. I was a bit resentful before that can you tell?

If you ebf then my approach was I look after the baby, husband looks after me! He can't do lots of things for the baby initially as basically in the early days really only Mum will do. Obviously that's different if you express or ff. So husband cooked (I had lots of Cook frozen meals in the freezer) and I sat continuously breast feeding to get my supply up. Cleaning we shared but I do have a cleaner once a week, and I took care of the washing. I did all nights, and did this happily as I sort of enjoyed the bonding experience of it all. 7 months later I'm a bit more ! But the best advice I can give you is to be open and honest with your partner about how you are feeling physically and emotionally and be prepared for your relationship to change completely for a long time. No dates or nights out, no conversations about anything other than the baby and sleep, no lazy mornings where you get a lie in... honestly there will be times where you won't recognise yourself or remember what it was like before your baby! Newborns cry, don't like to be put down, need constant feeding... it's wonderful but not easy. I found that by the time she went to sleep or indeed I got to bed, I didn't want to talk to or be touched by my husband at all. At times he irritated me so much I thought I did hate him! Not really sure why, but I felt like I just didn't have anything left for him at the end of the day and I was desperate for some space to be by myself. And I don't just mean sex... I didn't want to cuddle or hold hands or even talk to him. Your body is totally unrecognisable and becomes this machine for keeping your baby alive... there I found there just isn't any space for you and him in the day, It's all about the baby. I'm not saying you'll go through this, but you might. And if you do, it's really hard for your partner. My husband just kept saying he missed his best friend. The good news is that slowly but surely you do get back to being a new version of yourselves as individuals and a couple. And eventually you do both get some sleep!

I think just acknowledging each others challenges is important. DH is tired - full day at work followed by taking Ds off my hands, doing dinner, bath and bed and often cooking for us afterwards. I thank him and acknowledge that he's tired.
Equally, he encourages me to nap and rest when I can and thanks me when I cook dinner or manage to clean up. He also acknowledges when I have a rough night (we've decided that I do all nights as i just lie awake anyway, genuine mutual decision).

State your needs and negotiate accordingly. Eg 'dh I really would like a lie in tomorrow', 'sure thing but this week it's been tough at work so I'll have a nap in the afternoon if that's ok'. We've learnt very quickly that needs have to be juggled and we both pitch in when needed and slow down when needed so can accept when things don't get done. This wouldn't work if one partner doesn't pull their weight.

Op in the first week or so I was really lucky that my newborn slept. But I was on some sort of weird hormone high and didn't stop. I was in constant agony because the one thing no one managed to explain properly is just how much you are going to hurt after giving birth. Yes downstairs is a bit of a train wreck if you give birth vaginally but it's everything else. I literally felt like I'd been hit by a bus. But because of the hormone high it didn't really sink in until I'd done too much a few weeks later when the hormones wore off I realised how much I should have stopped and made my dh help. You will need the rest and the break and the sit down. Seriously take all the help you can.

My dh and I made a plan for night feeds etc but nothing prepared us for what it's really like and it all went out the window. We've had some arguments and struggled to find our feet but that's usually been when one or both of us are holding back and having talked to the other so my second bit of big advice is just talk to each other as much as you can.

Congrats and good luck!

When ds was a newborn there were days I genuinely couldn't find the time to get dressed! I probably wouldn't have believed that before he was born but somehow it happened! My DH started leaving me jugs of drink by the sofa and a sandwich in the fridge otherwise I barely ate or drank.

DS is now 18 months and it's still pretty tough to get much done when he's around because he wants me to play with him or "help". I work 3 days a week and my days at work are definitely easier (even though I miss DS a lot). Wee when I want, cup of tea when I want, lovely!

Definitely keep communicating, ask for what you want/need and encourage DH to do the same. DS was ebf so I did (and still do) nights, DH gets up with DS in the morning so I can catch up a bit.

I really wouldn't say that having DS has had a negative impact on our relationship but we have made a real effort to help each other out and communicate as much as possible. Enjoy your new baby!