As primary carer can an I ...

[Thebluedog]

Tell my ex h I’m having the kids next Christmas ?

Back story is we’ve shared Christmas’s 50/50 until this year when I had the dc. I had them over Christmas as he told me he couldn’t have them. It was entirely his decision as I said we’d go with what he wanted this year as we were at home and could accommodate that. He had them over new year but cut their visit short as he had made plans

We are fairly flexible with him seeing the kids and sometimes swap the odd weekend, but as a general rule he sees them every other weekend, collects Friday afternoon and drops them back Sunday afternoon.

My parents have suggested myself and my dh and db plus all the grandkidsgo to them this Christmas as mum has dementia and we all realise her christmas’s will be limited. They live 6 hours away. I’ve told my exh this and he’s telling me it’s not my decision as as he didn’t have them in 2017 (his choice), then he is having them this year.

His last message was ‘tuff I want them’ when I tried to tell him we’d alreasy made plans.

Personally I'd let him take you to court over it. It's an arranged holiday, it's a one off, he had first refusal in 2017 so you have first refusal in 2018.

Technically, if there’s no formal arrangement/court order in place, I think you could. But obviously that could all blow up in your face and he could go down the formal route.

It’s difficult and I absolutely see where you coming from, but I’d let it blow over for now and try to reason with him a little later when he’s had time to consider it.

"As primary carer" is a crap reason.

The issue is nothing to do with you being primary carer or with your mum having dementia.

The question is how much notice he gave you that you would be having them for Christmas 2017. If it was short notice such that you couldn't possibly have arranged a family Christmas with your DPs, then it is reasonable to say that his decision to forego his turn at Christmas in 2017 should not stop you from being able to have the "big event" family Christmas that you were always planning to have in 2018 as that was your next "turn". If he told you back in June 2017 then yabu as you could have gone to the grandparents this Christmas.

We got very little notice from him around when or if he could see the dc this Christmas as he was waiting on work to see if he had to go in. All I got was ‘I’ll let you know’, to the extent I said to him, to let me know if/when he’d see the kids but I’d presume not so I’d plan a family Christmas and we’d play it by ear . This was all around November time. As it happened the grandparents came to us for a few days and stayed in a hotel.

I guess my argument (and I’m happy to be told iabu) is that we all waited on him this year, so it’s my turn to decide this year.
He did work Boxing Day but spent Christmas Day with his mum but I didnt find this out until the actual day. He could have seen them that day if he’d have wanted and he knew that

Trouble is that my Dad has arranged to rent us all a holiday let for the 5 days as they love in a tiny flat. So if I leave it then we may have to pay or they lose money.

It's 3rd Jan, and you have already paid for a holiday let next Xmas, before you even asked him?!

Totally out of order.

When you already had them this year - even if that was partly his request. (work reasons means it's not exactly his request)

Up until now it's been 50/50 Xmas with flexibility at other times. Then you just tell him you're having next Xmas.

I speak as someone who has given up Xmas Day 5 years in a row and spent in on their own, because XMIL is local to us and is unlikely to make another 5.

You should have explained about the dementia and asked him.

Not just gone ahead and booked, which makes your attitude as clear as throwing in "primary carer" does.

You've fucked this one up. Apologise, write off the money mentally, then later in the year broach it again, acknowledging that you went about it wrong now and explaining the dementia - and ask.

Ellisandra I disagree - nice large houses at Christmas time always need to be booked well over a year in advance and Christmas 2017 was the dad's turn so it was perfectly reasonable for OP's family to book up something for Christmas 2018 as that is mum's turn.

The only sliver of unreasonableness is that I think that when the ex told op that he couldn't take his turn this year, it would have been appropriate THEN to say "ok but my dad has already booked a holiday rental for 2018 so you giving up your turn this year doesn't mean I have to give up 2018" - that should have been explicit and if it had been maybe the ex would have made more of an effort this year.

Given this lack of clear communication it would be reasonable to redress the balance by saying that he can have two turns in a row in 2019 and 2020 if he wishes.

Oh come on - it needed so much notice to book it that it couldn't have waited one more day for the OP to have a conversation with her XH?

I disagree with you on how these turns should work - but I can that's just a difference of opinion, you're not wrong.

But I can't agree that the OP couldn't have waited one day to discuss rather than dictate. This should never have been presented as a fait accompli.

Booking somewhere with out discussing it first is unreasonable. I'm sure you would be miffed if he had done that.

Telling him how things are going to be is just going to lead to animosity.

YABU