Relationship counselling, not sure how to proceed

[Addictedtocustardcreams]

I have got my husband to go to relationship counselling with me as we have had a terrible 2017 full of rows and upset. While I didn’t feel our relationship was over I certainly didn’t feel it could continue like this long term. This comes after a rough few years where his dad died after being very ill on ITU for a time and tough times with his work plus having 2 small Dcs. I am not sure that the counsellor is helping. She made my DH extremely angry in the second session. I then had a session alone with her and I feel that she is actually pushing me to leave the relationship. She wants to see me alone again next week but I want to go to some more sessions with my DH and try to get things sorted between us. We have talked a lot over Christmas and I think he has really listened to me on a couple of key issues. Has anyone been in this position? Should I carry on with the counselling? See a new counsellor? Go for a joint session even though a personal one was advised?

Why are you scared of the personal session?

Go, talk, listen. Maybe she will have some insights, maybe she won't.

After that, decide if more sessions together is a good idea and with which counsellor. You could discuss that with her.

What on earth did your DH react so badly to in the session and how did this manifest?

The counsellor said that when my DH was reacting in a certain way it could feel like bullying. He didn’t actually say much but he was so tense and sort of twitching his foot that you could just see he was really angry and this lasted for about half the session.

What if she tells me I should leave when I think our relationship can be worked on? I don’t think I am naive he was an arse to me in December but it was his dad’s birthday and it really hit him hard. I know that doesn’t excuse him being an arse but I don’t think that is his normal if that makes sense.

Why don't you just say all that to her?

Did he really sit in the session being all twitchy and not actually raise what he took issue with? What was so objectionable but yet could not be discussed?

So it was the counsellor making the comment about bullying which made him angry. He didn’t have to discuss what was going on as the counsellor pointed out that he was mad and he just said he was fine in a really tense manner. Does that make a bit more sense?

She didn't 'make' him angry. She made an observation and he GOT angry, and then sulked. Is this how he deals with any comments he doesn't like? Do you avoid saying things that will 'make' him angry? It is never advised to go to counselling with someone who bullys you. (Obviously i can only comment on what you have said, i don't know what he is like the rest of the time, and i presume it is the same for her) I can see why she would want to speak to you alone. She can't push you into anything. Perhaps she just wants to get your point of view without him being there in a rage (i would fine that intimidating) and being passive aggressive with an angry 'I'm fine'.

The fine comment, to me, shows that he is not willing to open up and engage with the counselling if he's not hearing what he wants to.

Why would that make him seethe for half an hour? In a therapy session of all places! Did he discuss with her how certain things might seem like bullying behaviour? How did he challenge?

She made him angry did she, hmmm. Is she pushing you to leave him or is she pointing out that his behaviour is unacceptable.

What has he done and said in counselling that gives you the impression that he gets why you are there? His PA twitching doesn't sound like engagement to me.

It sounds like you don't like your 'handling' of him and his behaviour being questioned and have become defensive and protective of him, which is probably why she wants to see you on your own.

What were your expectations? If it wasn't to have both of your behaviours challenged?

You can’t ‘make’ anybody anything, he became angry, it was his choice to react that way and he and you need to take responsibility for that

Hmmm ok points noted. I guess my expectations were that we would both be told some things we could do differently to make our relationship work better. What has been said so far is a shock. I will have the session and see how things go.

I think it would be great to go on your own. If for no other reason that to talk about things that are personal to you. As a professional I doubt she wants to get you on your own to tell you to leave him, I imagine she just wants you to have your own space to talk about things in your own way.
This would be a good thing for you regardless of how your DH has been in a session.
It's never a bad thing to talk to someone on your own in RL.