Reason for leaving - help me

[CathysGhost]

I have posted about this before but I need your help and a safe space to air my thoughts.

Been married since 09, two DC.6&3. Over the last three years, we have grown apart significantly. I had PND after my second was born and I think that was the final off switch for me as I did not feel supported at all.

I had therapy and was involved in a group. Everyone else's partner read a booklet we were given, mine didn't. I had a breakdown which resulted in my parents taking me to A&E on Xmas day, dh didn't come. He didn't even come upstairs when I was losing the f plot.

One of the biggest reasons I've lost him is because of the way he has been with the DC, especially the eldest. He has been so short tempered with him, dismissive, disappointed and unsupportive. He has improved this no end recently, since I told him I want to leave. For x ample, I have been saying to him over the last year that of he wants to create a non existent relationship with his son then he was going the right way about it. Dd was about 18 months and was playing hell on the car, made herself sick screaming, he yelled saying she could f sit in it be is it was her fault.

I do think he's stressed, unhappy but so am I. I can feel my life disappearinf and I'm 36. I want to be able to love and be loved before its too late.

We have called each other a c I'm arguments. I've thrown stuff at him. He's got right in my face. This is a toxic relationship. I've told him all of this hut now he's 'trying' he wants me to give him a chance. He wants me to try for the family. I think it's too late and I canr see it lasting.

Every time I've brought it up he's been hysterical and I don't want to see him hurting. I don't know what to do but I don't want to sacrifice my life for someone else's fantasy of what 'might' happen.

I just don't know wtf to do. Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Thanks for reading x

And just to say I've been posting on this issue for at leaf a year, maybe a few times. I feel backed into a corner and I am struggling. Help me

It sounds very toxic indeed.
And you've now lost all love and respect for him.
And who can blame you.
He's not been there as support for you at all.
Do you have your 'ducks in a row'?
If so then start to make plans to leave.
If not then sort this out first and find out where you would stand if you were to separate.

It is. I don't know where to go for advice really. Cab?

Cab is a good place to start.

It sounds a very sensible idea to leave this relationship.

In a few years you could both be much more stable and co-parenting amicably once the dust has settled.

Good luck.

I just don't know how to instigate the conversation again without him getting hysterical and angry

Don't instigate the conversation.
Just get your information together and then present it to him as a fait accompli.
CAB is a good place to start.
Get all your paperwork together.
His wage slips, pensions info, marriage cert, birth certs, passports, mortgage info, other asset info, account info, savings into.
You could also phone around local solicitors and see if any offer a free half hour.

Stop waiting for him to be reasonable and agree. It will never happen.

Get the ball rolling and just do it. You don't need a reason other than "it's not working for you"

Thanks to all for the advice

Anyfucker I was waiting for you.... Thank you for appearing.

Like a ghost of Christmas Past

Imagine next Christmas and you still with him. Is that an inviting prospect ? Only you can change it because he won't. He gets something out of staying in this dysfunctional relationship. What do you get ?

I've got a close friend that went through a nasty divorce so in getting the horror stories as well as the advice.

I'm going to have to just do it and cope with it aren't I. It was so awful last time, I was scared to be honest. To see him so upset and manic. It still hurts. If he'd been this keen to 'Change' previously then I wouldn't be here now but I have no confidence in the fact that any change will be permanent. At all.

Then if you stay all you will get is more of the same. For the rest of your life.

His basic attitude when you needed assistance/support says more than some hysterical sobbing at this (too) late stage.

It won't be fun getting a divorce but it's 100x better than staying and slowly dying inside. Good luck

That's how I feel. Slowly dying inside.

My son overheard me and a friend talking about it earlier and got really upset asking of dad was leaving. He was crushed. How on earth do I go about really doing it when he is going to be so utterly devastated? He's only 6

You do it for him. Currently, the blue print he will use for his own future relationships is the one you are in.

This dickhead will still be his father if you split. Unfortunately.

I need to garner the strength to get through the horrible middle bit before I can get to the peaceful bit. I daydream about meeting someone else all the time, about a routine at my new home and general peace...

Garner the strength! You can. You can create the future you want.

His hysterical response is a calculated manipulation. This isn’t the real him. He does it to shut you up. Ignore him as you would a toddler tantrum. Your care has been used up; you are not obligated to continue to care.

The real him was sat doing nothing when you needed him most. That’s his level of care for you: {0}. Take a page out of his playbook- stop caring. That is emotional detachment and should help you move forward through the divorce on an administrative/business mindset.

Thank you all for you support.
I feel completely exhausted with everything. Back to work next week and I will have a but more flexible child free time so make appointments etc. Do you think some individual counselling would be good? I'm thinking about it but the expense is putting me off

I made the decision to end my marriage, and it was hard telling my ex, you know people will be unhappy, but the relief to me was tremendous, I surmised if I was happy my children would be fine, which they were. I was lucky in that my ex had the same attitude, the kids came first and we worked together to ensure their lives were disrupted as little as possible. Talking to a professional could help as a third party puts things into perspective.
A toxic relationship is not good for anyone.

Cathys - I totally feel for u. I’ve just posted something similar, my marriage has died after 19 yrs together and I feel like I’m grieving for everything that we planned and the life I thought we’d have together with our boys. I simply have fallen out of love, but have been too scared to rock the boat and make the changes. Well last night he forced the issue and it’s now out of my hands - he is taking the lead. I’m terrified what my life is going to be like and can’t even cope with the idea of talking to the kids yet.....you’re not alone xx

Wishiwasbetter we can be in it together, I'm here x

Thank u xx