My Mum and Dad's relationship- how do I deal with it?!

[cheekymonk]

Hi all,
I would really appreciate some advice on this one. It keeps me awake at night. I shall try and stick to facts.
My mum and dad have been married 29 years. She is 50, he is 57.
My sister who is 25 lives at home.
My dad sleeps downstairs in the lounge, on a camp bed.
My mum has a "friend" who occasionally pops over for sex when everyone is out.
My dad is fully aware of this and accepts it as part of the deal of living with my mum.
My mum and dad no longer have sex but have an amicable relationship like "brother and sister".
My dad is still in love with my mum but she is not with him.
My dad has had some gay experiences in the past, whilst married to my mum but doesn't think he is gay.
My dad used to openly flirt with other women and "tease" my mum apparently. He was mentally cruel to my mum and hit her a couple of times in front of me when I was at home.
He has now put on loads of weight and lost confidence. My mum however has lost weight and is very confident. She always looks good and knows it.
Basically my mum has had the lounger decorated and kicked my dad out for the week while it was done. It was finished on friday but my dad is still not home. I am really worried by this but my dad has begged me not to stir up trouble because he just wants mum to be happy.
I just wish my mum and dad would make a fresh start and let each other go. My mum says dad will not let her go.
I am confused?! and don't know what to do for the best. Is it my business anyway? I love my parents but find thier life hard to understand.

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I just find it hard to stand by and watch it all happening, thats all but yes you have a point. Thanks october

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My parents have had a long and largely happy marriage but had big problems (totally different to yours) last year. I was felt devastated.

I handled it by talking to each of them separately and letting them know that I was the same person I always was and that all I wanted was the truth. The truth is the easiest thing to handle.

I then tried to be as supportive as I could without jumping in and forcing my opinion on them. I did say exactly as I felt, sparing no-ones feelings, as I wanted to be wholly honest, but I left the majot decisions up to them.

You have a tricky situation and I wish you all well with it. Happiness doesn't end because a relationship changes.

In short, I mean tell them what you think.

None of your business. being the intermediary will no doubt cause trouble. As the post below, let them both know you love them individually.

Yes I would like to tell them but I don't want to hurt them. Hearing what I say will be painful but I feel I owe them and they owe me the truth too. Thanks everyone.

I don't want to go against the grain here, being cautious and respectful it ultimately the best option, it is their lives.

But, in my situation, I was the only one that knew of the problems and so I felt a duty to be wholly honest and I had to say things I thought but didn't necessarily want to say. Both parties respected my honesty. I do have great parents though and this would need to be judged case by case........

Yes none of my outside family know but have put 2 and 2 together that things aren't right. Both my sister and I find that a burden in itself and I hate all the secrets and pretence.

Thanks all so far for your advice but still feel confused...

well have just talked to my mum and she has turfed my dad out "amicably" to his mums!
I intend to stay out of it from now on. I have said my piece and must leave it there I think!

None of us know what goes on in other peoples houses. My parents have had an odd 'set up' too and i must say I resented them for it when I was growing up. Like you, my mum was the instigator.. however your dads behaviour probably had a factor in it.

I really would leave them to it. Are they happy? If you think they are then what harm are they doing!