The Persuader

[BendyLikeBeckham]

For anyone who has done The Freedom Programme, this is my STBXH. He is also The Bully, and several others.

He has tried pleading, crying, guilt trips, overt criticism, blaming me, and now it's back to suicide threats. Not in a blatant 'take me back or I'll kill myself' sort of way, but a more subtle 'I am so lonely and nobody loves me and I have nothing to live for' sort of way. He wants me back, then he doesn't. It all seems to go in circles and its exhausting. We have been here before. Previously I called his GP and got them to contact him. He went on AD for a while but is very against them now.

I'm nervous about him having DC in case he is serious. But honestly I think it's a tactic of manipulation, though I do think he is depressed (and probably has borderline personality disorder from what I have read).

I have suggested he see his GP and get MH help. He won't. I've told him I'm not responsible for him. I have several times contacted his family before and asked them to keep an eye on him, visit him etc.

Is there anything else I should do?
Should I take him seriously?
I cannot just ignore the risks but equally I cannot get involved. My DC are my primary concern.

Its so tough and I know what you are going through. I left my EA ex in feb last year, and he still occasionally sends me messages like this. The last one was pre christmas saying he wants 2018 to be his last year, and he cannot carry on alone.

He has the boys every week for nights over, and they think he seems happy. he is functioning well, managed to have 2 non starter flings with different girls. All while he is on his "knees" to me.

Each time he messages me, I suggest he should go back to his doctor if he feels so bad and should maybe try therapy. He constantly tries to blame me for leaving, splitting the family apart etc. Its all emotional manipulation.

See it for what it is, but if you worry about the kids then perhaps supervised visits only? Maybe next time you should say " I am worried about your mental health from what you are telling me so as a parent, I am concerned about the kids being with you unsupervised". If you are worried and he threatens, call the police.

I have found the less I respond, the more it seems to calm down. If I try and engage it just feeds him the oxygen he needs to keep it up. I also think ex has some degree of BPD, but I don't fear for the kids safety when he is with them. I don't believe he would do anything to them, if you do, then you need to address that.

Good luck.

thanks pudding. it is so stressful. I think and hope he is just being manipulative. I just have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that if he weren't overdramatising then I could have prevented tragedy. Not him but DC. I realise I am probably being ridiculous but you hear about these things on the news sometimes. I'm trying to be rational about the risk I really am.

That's a good suggestion to downplay it and not feed the drama with oxygen. Otherwise it is just creating drama for me and I don't need that.

On a less dramatic note, he is a bad supervisor and carer of the young DC when he is immersed in his own emotions (which is a lot of the time). So i know he is not a great parent generally and a worse one right now. He says he lives for the DC but I don't believe him. They merely serve a conduit to me. He has told me in the past that he doesn't care about the DC, only about me. that makes me sick to my stomach. I am very maternal and just cannot comprehend this mindset.

Have you got someone who could mediate for you? I have been trying to keep ex on my side as much as possible to make it easier for the kids. They enjoy spending time with him but I have had a few occasions I doubt whether he is being as responsible as he could be.

Its the swings in emotions I feel is hard to cope with, and if he wasn't the boys father I would have probably go no contact. We managed to spend xmas together, but he had two outbursts at me, for no real reason. One moment he cannot look me in the eye, one moment he is telling me all my negative traits (I was told that on xmas everything would be ok if I wasnt domineering and forth right...which is a joke!!) and love bombing me.

I have no diubt my ex is sad, and he is hurting, but he has never been one to control his emotions well and he laddles the guilt on! It is so tough. He has days where he is bad, then weeks when he is ok and it continues. But that was the reality of living with him.

Whats the other solution, go back? No chance. Stand firm, realise you did what you had to do with no real choice and if he wants to get himself better he will. And of course the DC are always the priority.

How about writing him a letter or email, saying you have concerns when he is in these episodes about the kids and if it continues you will have to review childcare. I haven't got to that stage yet as I know it will inflame things but there have been a few occasions I nearly have. Good luck!

How long have you been apart? I am 11 months in, and it has settled a bit (more time in between each episode for example).