Don’t seem strong enough to say ‘get out’

[Magnolia36]

Hello Pointy, just read your complete thread after looking for support for myself. Your journey over the last couple of months has been inspirational.

My H is an alcoholic. He functions fairly well, isn’t physically abusive but lies continually about his drinking, has crashed/damaged the car more than once while drinking. Has picked the kids up from school more than once while drinking, the shame...🙁, is nasty while drunk, and denies being drunk or having a drink problem. Currently he is signed off work sick with depression - complete nightmare - but I know it’s because he has the shakes so bad in the morning now he can’t work.

He gets really cranky with me if I ask if he has been drinking. Defensive, outraged, of course he hasn’t....even though it’s obvious.

Latest was this Last Friday when doc said I needed to go straight to A&E for tests, I have health issues and rheumatoid arthritis, came home after being in hospital all day, kids ( I have 2 small children) hadn’t had a thing to eat, H had been asleep on the sofa, he’d been drinking, but was about to take kids out for a walk and DS only had thin sports t shirt and shorts, was around 3 degrees.

Finally snapped and asked him to go home to Scotland for a month to get a break from the stress. He is now saying he wants to come home, he misses me, misses the kids. I want him to go I think, but I don’t seem to have the energy to get him out. I’m so tired. He won’t admit there’s anything wrong. I don’t know what to say to him ...
I should add, I loved this man so much, we’ve been together 20 years for many of those years he was my rock, but for the last 5 years he has been a drain...

Don't allow him back yet.
What has he done in the last month?
Has been to AA meetings daily?
Has he stopped drinking and not touched a drop in that time?

He needs to get sober before you can allow him back with your DC.
He drinks and drives with them in the car!!
That is madness.
He is literally, putting their lives at risk.
I would tell him you need him to prove that he can stay sober, away from the family home, for 6 months, then you will consider it.

Please contact Al-Anon yourself for support for you and your DC.

Thank you Hellsbells.
No he hasn’t gone to AA.
And yes he drove with the kids under the influence.
Yes, I’m going to contact AA, I just don’t want to sit in a room full of alcoholics feeling sorry for themselves. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m so tired of it all....
Thanks again for replying...

You don't have the energy to get him out because he has drained your energy.

Do you have the energy to keep doing this for more years?

Is he still in Scotland now?

I don’t think you should let him back until he at least shows an acknowledgment of the drinking problem and a willingness to do something about it. He’s put your children at risk whilst driving when drunk and is causing you all so much hurt. It really is one of those cases where his actions must speak louder than his words as you’ve put up with it long enough.

As the partner of an alcoholic you don't go ro AA. That's for the alcoholic, and it's not a bunch of people feeling sorry for themselves. A lot are there to share positive stories of how their lives have improved being sober. As the one affected by someone's relationship with booze, you would go to Al-non. It's for people like you, who need support because their partner/father etc has a primary relationship with alcohol rather than their family.

Yes, husband still in Scotland. Sent him a text this morning saying I’m not prepared to take him back at the moment. Either he admits he has a serious drink problem and gets help in Scotland, or he admits he has just been incredibly selfish and we call it quits.

He hasn’t responded.

I have a feeling he will just turn up in the next day or so.

Thank you Thingsdogetbetter for the Al non advice...I’m looking now to see where the nearest next meeting is

Next time he gets in the car after drinking, call the police and report him anonymously. If nothing else that will stop him from destroying the life of some innocent stranger. It might force him to get help too.

What will you do if he turns up?

Hi Magnolia. for you.

Firstly, your H isn't functioning. From where he is - unable to go to work because of the shakes - it really isn't long before spiralling into total lack of functioning. It took my H only a few months.

The drink driving and crashing the car are not forgivable, nor is the neglect of his children. Right now you probably cannot stop him from coming back, but you have to start playing hardball now. Tell him he stops drinking and goes into rehab/AA, or you will divorce him. You have grounds. But you have to mean it. You have to see it through once you take that step.

He will not admit he has a problem, so he will only get worse. I realise your children are little, but as they get older, they will be damaged by his behaviour. My H started his addictive drinking when my DDs were older than yours and they noticed within a couple of years. And yes, if you split there will be issues around contact. That will be hard.

But on balance you will be better off without him and so will your children, if he doesn't stop drinking. I know how exhausting it is to live with an alcoholic, but you have to find your strength. Al-Anon is your first port of call for support.