Hello,
I specifically joined mumsnet to get some advice/support about my situation. My DH and I got married over 10 years ago- I was 21 years old. We have two boys - 4 and 2 years old. Throughout our marriage we have had many transitions- moving many times, starting/completing school/training, starting/ending jobs, renovating homes, the birth of our boys. He is a good dad and very dedicated to his work. He’s not the type to take risks and has needed my support and encouragement to pursue career goals. DH has always struggled to identify his own feelings (unless it’s frustration), let alone express empathy or compassion. He stares at the floor and says I’m sorry and walks away. It has been this way for YEARS. I have begged him to get help for all the years of our marriage- and he just started counselling. This year was a particularly bad year for me- I was verbally abused and physically cornered by my father and my mother told me I was a neglectful mother (which is untrue), among other various insults. DH was emotionally unavailable in both situations... just not there for me. It has become something of a habit over the years. If I appear upset or stressed my husband actively ignores me- like leaves the room and avoids eye contact. To add, about 4 years ago he and I had an incident. I was 6 months post-partum, living in a new city with him. We were having sex and during it I told him to stop, it hurts. I said this 3 times and then screamed it at him- after which I pushed him off of me and ran to the other side of our room in shock. I couldn’t deal with the situation at the time and pushed the memory down as far as it would go. Over the past few months, I am remembering it and on Christmas Day I had the worst flashbacks- I could barely stand to be in the same room as him. I have asked him to sleep in another bed as I keep waking up if he is there. My delimma is this: there is no emotional intimacy and I don’t know if I can ever be physically intimate with him. I should note that before my flashbacks and the memory coming back- I did have sex with him only if I was drunk (and usually I would cry after).
I want to separate. My eldest son is not managing well as husband and I are fighting and the tension could be cut with a knife- my boy is very sensitive and intuitive. I thought staying would be better for the kids- now I don’t think it is. I feel like I have checked out- I don’t see hope for the relationship. I don’t believe our divorce would be messy- I honestly would like to see him happy with a woman he loves and accepts just this way she is. I am non-conventional and independent and he is traditional and conservative. I just want to let go- when I think of living on my own with my boys, running my home and working I feel relieved.
I suppose I am wondering if any of you have insights that would be helpful for me to consider. I am usually the supporter, the encourager, the motivator and I’m tired of doing the work in the relationship and giving this to him with very little in return. sorry this is so long!!!