Husband & wedding abroad

[peanut2017]

Looking for some advice as not sure if I'm being ridiculous.

Good friend of my husband is getting married abroad and we have been invited to the wedding. We have a nearly 9 month old and I'm currently 7 weeks pregnant.

Had a difficult enough birth and labour on the first and it's pretty much the two of us looking after our son. Don't have any support. So far with this pregnancy I've had constant headaches, dizziness and nausea which i didn't have on last pregnancy. So I'm feeling like shit at the moment.

I will be around 7 months pregnant at the time of the wedding and am planning on not going due to feeling fat, won't be able to drink, hot weather and don't want to leave our son. Flights are around €230 each and we did initially think of bringing our son with us but it's working out at around €650 for flights alone before accommodation, transfers, present, hotel etc.

Husband will also be going to the stags - not sure yet where and when this will be. Money is tight at the moment as I'm on unpaid leave.

I was initially a bit funny about him going and the cost but think I'm probably being unfair. Husband goes out only maybe every 6 weeks but when he does go out he goes bananas. Think 10 to 12 pints on a night out. Can't just have a few drinks.

There is alcoholism in my family so I do project a bit onto him and sometimes I'm not objective.

Thanks for reading and any advice

It's a wedding abroad so I think his friend would understand if he can't afford it, especially with you being pregnant. Does your husband want to go? Does this mean you don't get a holiday? Could you extend your stay and turn it into your family holiday?

I do not think you are being unfair! You’ve said money is tight. I think at the very least he needs to forget about the stag unless it’s a night out in the local pub (not a weekend away like is the norm)

If me and DP were in that situation I would expect him not to go if I wasn’t going; particularly based on the money side. Hopefully the stag should be in the country you live and then I wouldn’t see an issue in him going to that.

Thanks for replying.

Husband definitely wants to go but I know it's for his friend but also as it will be a session.

We probably won't have a holiday next year because of this and probably won't want to go abroad with a toddler and either being pregnant as well or having a newborn.

Feel like I'm partly responsible as I am the main earner and decided to take the unpaid leave but so spend a lot on Amazon and blame Mumsnet where husband wouldn't spend the same. we had some unplanned expenses like having to replace white goods, things with the heating etc.

Another of his friends is also getting married just before next Christmas so there will be a stags for that too.

When I'm back in work in a couple of months we should get back on track but will take a couple of months to clear credit cards.

If it was me i personally wouldn't agree for him to go

If it were me me it'd be stag or wedding. He can do one but not both. And he'd be on his todd if he picked the wedding- I wouldn't be dragging myself to that and forfeiting a family holiday (even a cheapo one at home) for a friend's wedding unless I could comfortably afford it.

His friend is only getting married once... so he should go.

Same for the stag if it's not abroad.

Presumably you knew he drank thus much before you got married.

If it was me I wouldn't mind him going and would wish him a good time. I would be extremely pissed off if my OH told me I couldn't go anywhere

I'd be annoyed if my husband told me I couldnt go somewhere IF we could afford it. But with 2 stag dos and the wedding he's presumably looking at chucking £1000 onto credit cards purely for him? That's really not reasonable.

It should be open to discussion with the possiblity of yes or no. But unless you are a very high earner I think putting £1000 on a credit for socialising is irresponsible. You say it would take you a couple of months to pay back BUT you'll be going on maternity leave again later this year so really you want to be saving.

Thanks. That's the thing it's going to cost a lot of money between both weddings and both stags but my husband would never say I couldn't go or do something.

Both friends did come to our wedding but it was in the same country that we live in and also only 40 mins from the city we all live in. At the time one was single and the other was with a different girl. I have met one of their partners 3 times and haven't met the other at all.

I am a high earner and did get paid maternity leave by my company for the 6 months but not for the unpaid obviously which will be the same again hopefully with this pregnancy. So saving for this needs to be a priority.

We need to sit down at the weekend and work it out properly and what we can afford.

Thanks again for replying.

What about talking with him to compromise? My dh has had a few weddings and stag dos abroad in the past couple years and they haven't all been possible to do, in part because of work obligations (mine, so he needs to be home with dd) and just not wanting to waste money as we were saving for travel and also my mat leave. When he couldn't do everything, he prioritised the wedding over the stag or when it was local enough, he just went for one night. Or ask that if he wants to do everything that he works some over-time or something to make up for it and commits to saving an equal amount of money that you can put towards expenses when you are on mat leave.

I think it depends on your relationship really and your expectations. One of our friends got married abroad, in the Caribbean, we didn’t go as we were saving for our own wedding but a couple who are friends of ours, the husband went and the wife stayed at home as she was 7 months pregnant. It was a good friend of his and he didn’t want to miss the wedding. He also went on the stag doo abroad.

If it is a good friend of his then maybe he should go to the wedding, even if he only goes for maybe 3 nights with the wedding in between so he doesn’t miss the wedding and it won’t cost as much accommodation wise, and you’re not on your own for too long.

My DH works away often so I’m used to him being away and was used to him being away during my pregnancy, when I suffered terribly with sciatica and was moving house at the same time, and obviously in the early years, so it’s the norm for me. Like I said, it really depends on your dynamic.