What the hell is wrong with me?

[whatamess01]

That's it really. I know what I should do but for some unknown reason I can't do it. I have done an awful lot of soul searching for answers but something is holding me back and I haven't got a clue what.

Been with DP 8 years have DS with him. I left 3 years ago and we ended up trying again, not living together but spending time together at each others and sharing DS. He said all the right things and followed this up with actions. We even started looking at property to buy . He wanted to get married and so on and I told him that I would do neither until I knew that things would be different this time. We continued to work at it and until recently things had been a lot better.

I left him because of his porn habit, the younger the better the kind of teen stuff that would make your stomach churn, dating site use, unreasonable and abusive behaviour, drinking to excess and so on. The final straw was putting me on a dating site and messaging men pretending to be me, god the thought of it makes me sick still. I left and went NC for a while and slowly we started to talk and health issues with DS brought us together again.

I have had the most horrendous Christmas as he drink drove with DS in the car and I went ballistic. He has the most amazing ability to minimise everything and deflect anything that comes his way. Every disagreement is somehow turned round to being my fault and deep down I know there is no future in this, my brain is exhausted and I am just so utterly miserable.

I can't understand why I am not telling him to get out of my life. I am a grown woman with a good job and a strong mind but I just don't seem to be able to summons up the strength to get rid.

I should add that I think I need some counselling to get to the bottom of why I appear so weak and unwilling to call it a day, despite deep down in my heart knowing I would be a lot happier without him....eventually. I am not sure how I go about seeking help as I wouldn't be able to afford to pay for it privately.

Emotional abuse, unreasonable behaviour and recklessly endangering your child's life by drink driving.

If this was happening to a friend, what would you say to her?

You need to take the advice you'd offer someone else in your position.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Friend? Family member who could remain neutral?

Look up Womens Aid.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thank you for replying, I will certainly look at the Freedom Programme. I feel very drained at the moment. It's on my mind from the minute I wake up until I eventually fall asleep at night. I am disappointed in myself for not feeling able to tell him to get lost. My friends and family are aware of the situation and are totally supportive of me which is a good thing.

Being emotionally abused and having your reality distorted by minimising etc takes all your strength away.
It's not your fault op, and yet it's you who has to find the strength now .
I know it's so so hard. Remind yourself that you are choosing happiness.
There are men out there who would be on your side, not your adversary. Men who would have your back and go the extra mile for you. You don't have to put up with this shit.

Sending you so much strength op.

I guess I always thought it might get better and was worth trying, but I guess the reality is far from that judging by recent events. The problem with men like him is the whole relationship is like being on a rollercoaster, the highs are fantastic but then come the lows and you just never know where you are. He definitely has some level of behavioural problems and learning difficulties as confirmed by someone who knew him as a child. Unfortunately then conditions like ASD and ADHD were never diagnosed and sadly the worst traits of his personality have been able to manifest themselves as he has grown up. That coupled with the fact he can do no wrong in his parents eyes. I am just exhausted and feel so low.