DH help needed-sorry, it’s long

[Redlocks28]

What would you do in my situation?

Been with DH ages, married 20 years, kids, mortgage etc.

Over the last few years, particularly since the conservatives have been in power and then Brexit, DH has been plummeting between anger and despair about the state of the country. Ranting about how the baby boomers have all the country’s wealth, the inequality where the top richest 1% of the country own 50% of the wealth etc etc.

He cannot be happy about anything and is predicting an England with no NHS, no free education, our children being ‘enslaved’ trapped in miserable mundane jobs working for the ‘elite’.

He wants to move away from people and go and live somewhere rural or preferably in another country thousands of miles away in the middle of nowhere. We are having increasingly more frequent rows where because I don’t want to leave where we currently live, sell up and buy an acre of land and a ‘fixer upper’ in New Zealand (he has never shown any interest in DIY here). He says that if we stay where we are, I will be forcing our children into a life of misery here and if I don’t leave, I have to come up with another solution to making the situation better. He interjects vocally and quite aggressively during conversations I or other people are having, with his political views and shouts people down. God forbid anyone is a conservative as he will tell them they are wrong and launch into a tirade about inequality and enslavement. Conservatives are as bad as racists apparently. I can see friends and family tiptoeing around him or just avoiding him now.

He has suffered from depression years ago but then he admitted he was depressed and got anti-depressants. He now spends a lot of time reading articles by economists who seem to agree with him that we are heading for a revolution so he thinks he is right (and not depressed) but is starting to sound unhinged and delusional. He is also spending more and more time in the spare room playing computer games which he says he does as he is hiding from the world as it makes him so cross.

He is an intelligent, kind, funny man. Or, he was. But I can’t carry on like this. I have told him he is single-handedly destroying our marriage. I half wondered if he was trying to destroy relationships with my friends and family so I’d have nothing left and agree to move abroad. But I won’t, because he just seems unhinged at the moment.

I really just don’t know what to do.

Do we need marriage counselling? A GP appointment? A divorce?

Definitely a GP appointment.

Just being realistic here, surely you can't just decide to live in a country? Would NZ take him anyway?

Counseling.

For you on how to put up with this bulshit

My DH had a breakdown a few years back and he was delusional, in the run up to it he had scatty ideas, shut himself away and was always short termpered.
He needs to see a doctor, is he on any medication at the moment?

As other poster said, I think you need to be doing a job that NZ requires or retired with money..I may be wrong on that though.

I think a lot of people are in despair with what’s happening in the world, (Brexit, Trump, this shambles of a Govt) but they are managing to live their lives, your H isn’t and he needs professional help.

Sorry I should have added he needs to see the Dr. If he won’t go, you go on your own, explain how worried you are, they will suggest something.

Has he ever lived in NZ?

It is gorgeous but not without its own social problems. i lived there for a year and had a job offer there. I still follow the news and really I don't regret not taking the offer.

It certainly isn't some kind of socialist utopia.

I strongly agree he needs it get help. Dragging you halfway round the world isn't the solution. Even if they would have him there. I am in a very 'in demand ' profession and when I looked into it, it wasnt necessarily going to be that straightforward for me.

Well this isn't normal behavuour clearly is it. So yes he needs to seek medical help, he sounds really quite unwell. Obviously no one can diagnose him but this sounds way more than depression, like some form of delusional paranoia.

If he won't see a gp maybe you need to and explain what's happening, for his sake, your sake and most of all your kids sake.

Thank you for the replies.

It wasn’t particularly NZ, just anywhere away from here. South west Wales and Canada have also been mentioned. Anywhere remote. Exactly what kids don’t want when they are in their mid-teens.

I just feel sick when I think about it all. I was so happy with him for so many years but I feel like I’m now treading on egg shells al of the time. I don’t moan about work (as I get, ‘well, those cuts making you miserable at work are the the fault of the conservatives, that’s why we need to move’), I don’t say when I’m annoyed with him eg eating meals round relatives houses over Xmas then not lifting a finger to help tidy up and just sitting on the sofa on his phone, as I know it will escalate into an argument where he will say how angry he is about everything and how everyone’s head is buried in the sand about the future and how meaningless conversations are.

I just feel increasingly numb now.

Maybe a strange question but does he read a lot on social media/Twitter/reddit etc?

I found that when I was following a certain group on social media I really started to believe in their ideals (the 1% thing especially) as it gave me someone to blame for my "shit life". As I climbed my way out of depression I stopped following them as much and barely think about it now

Would he go to the Dr if you suggested it?

He sounds lazy and it's laughable that he thinks he can live off the land and fix up a house.

says I have to come up with another solution to making the situation better.

Your solution should be to leave him. That will make the situation for you.

You shouldn't have to deal with his threats / uktimatums.

If he's having MH problems then e needs to get help. Don't write off your life for the sake of his delusions.

He isn’t on social media but does read blogs and forums on the economy.

I don’t think he will go to the GP as he doesn’t think there’s is a problem. He quotes %s and figures left right and centre and believe that he understands what’s going on much more than most of the population who are burying their heads in the sands about the situation. I can’t see him changing and he feels he is making a massive sacrifice for me by staying where we live.

I don’t want to leave him and have to sell the house and live with the children in a flat-I just want him to be like he was before. I just can’t see that happening now though. He will probably see it as me tearing the family apart.

He needs a reality check. You can’t just go to Canada or New Zealand. You have to get a visa and the entrance requirements are strict. Has he even been to Canada? I have. Lots. I thought I wanted to live there until I went to Vancouver. The locals now call it “Van Kong” what about schools for the kids? Tell him to look up the cost of insuring the family for medical care for a year in Canada. How will you find all of those £000s? Has he actually done any practical research? Maybe you should call his bluff. Tell him to come back to you with a budget and a workable plan and a full list of what’s required to get a visa and then you’ll think about it. If you make him do the leg work then it might show him the reality of it.

As others have suggested it sounds like it could possibly be a breakdown. If so I'm sure he does indeed know something's wrong. He probably won't admit it by you picking him up on his unusual behaviour though. How about asking him how he's feeling? How he feels he's coping? How's work etc, any new or different stressors? I expect he's feeling a lot of fear, panic and insecurity. Perhaps you can help him to see you want to help him feel safe again but that some of this is coming from inside him not just outside?