To move abroad for DH career

[Peggy21]

My husband is unhappy at work but has been offered a very good opportunity to work in the Far East where he speaks the language (his mother comes from there) and he lived there as a child. He obviously wants to go. It’s for a 2 year assignment.
We have two children aged 6 months and 3 years.
My feeling is I don’t want us to relocate; my mental health when pregnant wasn’t great and it’s only now I feel back on an even keel. My worry is that he will be working hard and probably travelling internationally and I will feel isolated and alone with the kids. He does travel for work and I feel quite panicky sometimes when he is overseas. My parents are great and come and help and I rely on them practically and emotionally.
It seems we have a dilemma. I hate to feel I am holding him back and he gets fed up of living in the uk and is often restless to experience new things. I on the other hand feel like I’m just keeping my head above water looking after two children and that’s with family and friends in the same country. I’ve struggled with anxiety, specially away from home and I guess my ultimate worry is that I won’t be able to look after my kids properly as I would want to away from my support network.
Does anyone have any advice for this kind of thing? I don’t want DH to resent me but I think I would really struggle with this.

Great post from hip.

I really can't see any positives in this move for you. If DH is unhappy at work he needs to find a job here where you and his DC are happy and settled. I'm guessing he doesn't do much of the childcare as he sounds the type to see it all as your job otherwise he would be far more understanding about how hard looking after small children can be.

Thanks for your messages and insights.
SouthWinds - thanks so much for giving some perspective on life out there from one who has experienced it. I know there is a very strong work ethic out there and my concern is that I would be left alone quite a lot. I agree, when I worked and lived abroad before I was out every night, meeting people etc. I simply wouldn’t be able to do this now. It can be quite isolating being a parent in your own country let alone one where you don’t speak the language. I’m sorry to hear you feel homesick. How long have you been in the current country? Is it for a fixed time? Christmas always brings these feelings to the fore so now it’s passed I hope you can turn a corner.

Hip - it’s very interesting what you say. My husband is a kind and decent guy and treats me very well but he does like to be in the driving seat and in control. As you mentioned, for me it would be the opposite - relinquishing control. Yet he sees it as an ‘adventure’ and I feel like a bit of a wet blanket! I just hope we can get past it.
Does anyone else find or has found two small kids to be a strain on a marriage? Before all this kicked off we haven’t been spending really any time together and both stressed and knackered all the time. Is this normal?!
Thanks so much again to everyone that’s replied. I appreciate all the perspectives and don’t feel so alone.

Sorry just seen more recent posts - thanks Honey and Attila!

As I mentioned previously I've been a trailing spouse for 10 years.
But I had an active part I wanting to do it and in some places I had jobs set up as well. Plus we went to places with a strong "nanny culture " as someone above put it. So although I had small children I also had a lit of freedom.

It doesn't sound to me like there is anything in this for you. You would be lonely and isolated. Some postings might be better for you and you might even fu d yourself drawn to life overseas in other circumstances.

You're not a wet blanket at all. You're just having a natural reaction to something that just doesn't work for you in so many levels.
I was lucky to be able to say yes or no whenever another posting was in the pipeline. Some my husband would have liked to do but didn't apply because it wasn't good for me and children.

I agree with everything hip said. Please feel confident in saying no and state your case clearly, without feeling like you're some sort of ball chain. You're life would be turned upside down and you'd be on your own dealing with the children.

All that said, 2 years is not long. If he's desperate and it's a too good opportunity to miss in terms of work then he might consider going aline and travelling back. You could also go there for a month long stint in between. 2 years like that can go very fast and many expat families do it. Especially in my experience European families whose children don't speak English and would not benefit from short stint in an international school.

Sorry just to conclude. It can still be done without uprooting you completely. Maybe you could even travel for your longer stints there together with your family?
I said 2 years can be very short if done right, but it can also feel like a life sentence if done wrong, Nevermind the long lasting repercussions on your mental health.

it's a while ago now, but my DH had a similar chance to go and work in Japan, for a fixed term of 12 months. We didn't have children at this point. Immigration laws into Japan are very strict; as a spouse I would have been able to go with him but would not have been able to work. So don't assume getting a job is an option.

Secondly the language - learning Japanese is very hard and although many Japanese people can speak English, most choose not to in my experience. it's a very alien culture, nothing like another European country or North America. DH very much enjoyed his year there and I enjoyed my visits, but living there would have been totally different.

It's also not somewhere that you can get to from the UK cheaply - flights are expensive. Accommodation for visiting relatives is expensive. Everything is expensive.

My husband is a kind and decent guy and treats me very well

In what ways is he kind and decent? How does he treat you well? It isn't coming across on this thread. Your tone on the thread makes it sound like he thinks you are a wet blanket, and that you are concerned that if you don't go, it will harm your marriage because he will resent you. That isn't kind or decent on his part. Its the opposite of treating you well.

Also, how involved is he with the children? It's odd to me that you have an infant and toddler and speak about your parents being helpful, but you haven't once mentioned him parenting.

It is normal for children to put a strain on a marriage. It is not normal for a husband to think the solution is moving his family to the other side of the globe where he wife doesn't speak the language and doesn't have a support system. It won't help. It will make it much, much worse, and leave you with fewer options.

I can't even count the number of marriages I know that ended because the man had an affair and blamed it on his wife for being miserable to live with after a cooperate relocation. Sometimes the first move doesn't push things over the edge, it's the second or third move.

If he doesn't care how you feel and how things affect you now, he won't after an international relocation, either. If he resents you for having needs now, he still will. You just won't have anything else in your life. Only him. As it is, you don't really spend time together, and he'll be all you have.

Even the women who are the most flexible and in the best marriages have bad days after these kinds of moves, and the difficult things can come up years after the moves. For one friend (who was a super strong, very flexible, multi lingual Irish woman) it came 2 years after moving to Montreal. Her DD, who had transitioned well into a bi-lingual preschool/nursery right after their move, started reception year/kindergarten. It was a nightmare. She was put in a class for "newcomers" and all the children spoke different languages, so they communicated with each other by pushing, shoving, grabbing things. Her DD cried every day, started wetting the bed, started biting her finger nails. My friend was eventually able to get her transferred out, but it took MONTHS. She watched her DD fall apart, and had to force her to go to school every day. My friend's husband is a great guy, helped sort things out, and was supportive and kind to his wife.

From what you've said about your husband, it sounds like he would think you were being a wet blanket and blaming him. Rather than supporting you and your child through a difficult situation, he would shut down your feelings.

Just to give a different perspective - I didn't follow my DH as I didn't want to leave my heard earned career that let me go part time (at that time) and I really needed the support of my mum and friends that I had. I don't find it that easy to make friends and thought I'd really struggle in an new culture. Part of me wanted to go and had it been my pre children self I would have jumped at the chance but I just couldn't see how I could transition over there for 2 years and then transition back again without a huge toll on my personally.

DH went anyway! but we were only talking mainland Europe and his deal included regular flights home and regular flights the other way and basically that's been life ever since. He has taken contracts all round the world and spent time at home inbetween.