Would you give another chance?

[allgonetopot]

We have been together 3 years, not married, but just bought a house together we have 1 DD and my DD from my previous marriage (18mo and 3y). We got together fairly quickly after my marriage broke down, i know it was probably too quick, but i fell pregnant and we made it work, until now.
My exH cheated and i though i wouldn't trust again but DP promised me he would never let me down.
He works in the hospitality industry and got a new job last year which he likes but the hours are really antisocial, he's gone from being interested in our family to just eating/working and sleeping. He sleeps a lot when he's not at work, the children only see him on his days off and even then he says he's tired.
I've been frustrated doing everything alone (i work PT too) but now i'm realising that all his late shifts aren't that late, he stays behind to have a beer with the lads. Then comes home & has a beer to wind down and then its 1am before he's in bed.
I've questioned him about drinking too much and he gets defensive and says i'm asking him to give up his only joy in life...
NYE was the last straw, he didn't get out of bed to spend some time with us before he went to work at 11, then worked all day and all night. At 12 he text me to say he missed me and wishes he didn't have to work and hoped i wasn't too lonely (i'd gone to bed at this point). At 4.30am i heard a clatter outside, he had put his head through a pane of glass in our porch (single glazing) it had shattered all over the neighbours front garden path. He wasn't hurt but clearly couldn't stand up properly.
I lay him on the couch and went to bed (to have a good cry) he was still drunk in the morning as i was on my hands and knees picking glass off the neighbours garden, he couldn't remember doing it. I had to get my parents involved as they needed to watch the youngest while i was trying to clean up, they are livid. I'm disappointed and sad and wondering if there is any point carrying on with him when he lets me down time and again.
I don't want to be alone with two children, two failed relationships. I'm so so sad.
He's been staying at his mothers out of the way, hasn't asked about the girls but says he wants to make it up to me somehow. I'm not sure he can, he can't do any other job, i know this one makes him tired, but we need him as much as they do.
I don't know what to do. WWYD?

Firstly I know it would seem an utterly daunting prospect to be on your own again, but please don't see them as failed relationships, you learn from things and move on, you should feel you have to stay with someone just because of that. It doesn't sound like he's overly committed to the family life, if these are regular occurrences with the drinking and not wanting to spend time with you.

Have you put the cards on the table and said he needs to show more commitment to spending time together and less time drinking? It is hard with such young children and working long hours but not ok that he's been lying about working late!! X

Thank you for your reply. We try to talk about things when the children aren't around but it always turns into a defensive argument about who does how much work, who's more tired and who needs a break more. He sees his drink as a reward for the end of a hard days work and gives him chance to wind down...there's usually always some excuse or if not he'll end the conversation by saying sarcastically he's sorry he's not the perfect man/boyfriend/father and that he'll just give up everything and not have any fun at all.
He's 7 years younger than me (late 20's) not exactly a boy anymore but definitely immature nature.

He's not likely to change. You have two children, you don't need an immature selfish manchild too

Yes, he sounds very immature.

I suggest one more calm, reasoned conversation about what all your needs are and how you can make it work and then, if that doesn't work, ask him to leave. Get your parents to have the dc if possible while you are talking.

He's probably finding it more difficult than he thought it would be to work and have a family, but there's no reason why you should put up with this nonsense from him.

His ONLY joy in life is drinking? What about you? His child? Nope, it's booze all the way. What a sad waste of space manchild.

The having to 'reward' himself with booze and 'deserving it' is how many problem drinkers justify their boozing. He clearly cares more about drinking than you or the kids, and has no reason to change until he's lost you all.

You are already alone in this relationship, despite his children his only joy is drink which says it all.

If you issue an ultimatum you need to be prepared to see it through. Imagine the kids seeing dad so drunk he falls through glass, disgraceful behaviour isn't it?

Make some plans.

He has a drink problem and is turning it around to blame you. Its like all those guys down tge pub saying its their nagging wives who have him there. Any escuse to drink. I presume he works in a bar. Totally wrong envirnoment for a guy fond of drink.
To get another chance he needs to give up drink and possibly change jobs. He wont be too tired and hungover then. He has a decision to make but you cant settle for less.

No advice really but just to say I have two exes (they aren't failed relationships as I have my children from them and learnt a hell of a lot of lessons) and six children and do it alone. So please don't worry, you're alone effectively anyway!!

You're on your own anyhow. Best keep it that way.