Should I contact him?

[CleverQuacks]

I have three children. My eldest is 10 and has a different father to my younger two (their dad is my husband). My 10 year old knows he has a different dad but has had no contact with him since he was 1 year old and therefore has no real memories of him.

At the time of my sons birth me and his dad were very young (17) and although becoming a parent meant I matured quickly and took on a lot of responsibility this wasn’t the case for his dad. He was smoking a lot of weed, unemployed and generally unreliable: saying he would come see my son and never turning up. After a year of this I ceased contact with him and I haven’t heard anything from him since.

I have always felt guilty about preventing my son from having a relationship with his dad and as my son has got older he has begun asking more and more questions about his dad. It’s been 10 years and I feel maybe it’s time to invite his dad into his life however I am worried in case he hasn’t matured and is still unreliable. I don’t want my son to get hurt.

My current husband is worried about the possibility of he becoming involved however says it is my choice.

I don’t no what to do and can’t stop going over and over it in my head.

I think in your position I'd try to find out more about your son's father. Do you know anyone who's still in contact? Have you googled and looked on social media?
You say you "ceased contact" and that you feel bad for having prevented your son from having a relationship with his dad. I'm wondering what actually happened, how hard he tried to see his son, what you actually did to stop him. Were his family involved at all? I suppose what I'm getting at at , is were they even bothered?
If he hasn't even tried to contact you or his son for the last 9 years, I'd be wondering how much he has matured.
Probably best not to make a decision until you can find out a bit more about him.

IMO it is up to his dad to get in touch. The fact he hasn't done says probably as much as you need to know but I can totally see why you'd be toying with the idea of making it easier for him and inviting him.

Have you any contact at all/any shared acquaintances? Or have you literally no idea where he is and what he's up to?

We have no shared friends as we met online. The only insight into his life I have is by looking at his Facebook but I can only see on minimal information on there. It appears that he is in a new relationship. Also as far as I know he isn’t working because the csa take maintenance straight out of his benefits.

When I say I stopped contact what actually happened was after another time of him not coming to see his son when he said he would I sent an angry text telling him to get lost. I haven’t heard from him since.

About a year after that I contacted his parents to try to get a relationship with them for my son but they basically told me I should have had an abortion and they wanted no contact.

I have heard nothing at all from any of them in over 8 years.

I have been in your shoes. I waited til dd was 18, gave her the info I had, she didn't go looking, but he did when she was 21. She wishes he hadn't bothered tbh. She quickly figured out he was a waste of space. She isn't bitter /upset or anything, just says there is no connection /bond and makes no effort to see him. She does though as he had another dd who wants to see her. She supported my choice of letting her have the childhood I wanted for her not one with a waster in it. Don't feel bad, your ds has a great life and family already.

Thank you tinsel, your reply makes a lot of sense and I am glad it worked out for your daughter.

It’s just so hard to know what is the right thing to do: I feel guilty that my son doesn’t have his real dad in his life but also feel guilty that I may be opening him up to get hurt if I do make contact. I can’t win!

I think you'd be crazy to get in contact with your ex. If he was interested in a relationship with your son I believe he would have pursued it himself.

I sincerely wish my children's dad would go away. He is unreasonable, unreliable and constantly harasses me for more access to my kids when he cancels most of the day visits he's already supposed to have.

Men like this are not good to have around IMO. I'd just leave it, your son can always try to get in contact with his dad himself when he is older if that is something he wants down the road.

CQ, that's quite shocking! So on the strength of an angry text he cut contact with his son, and his parents, who were old enough to know better, didn't try to help, but reacted really nastily. That's so sad. And still no contact since.
They don't sound nice people, not sure there's much to be gained from contacting him.
If you did decide to go ahead and contact him, maybe just keep it to email/letter for the first several months, see if he demonstrates an interest, and enough commitment over time before letting him meet your DS.
It must be very hard for you. Please don't feel guilty, I do think that if he had been the slightest bit interested he could have reached you, just to make sure that DS was OK.

WHAt do you mean by cease contact? Did you prevent him having contact, or did you just stop arranging / trying to force contact?

Cross post and no idea how as massive time difference! But what a wanker! Id just leave it.

I would leave it up to dad. Or let your ds do it when he has the tools to do it himself.
I stopped contact with my eldest and his dad for the exact same reasons. It wasnt difficult as he wasnt interested anyway. His father had the same mentality as your ex parents, too.

A SW helped my ds get in contact despite me advising her not to. My ds wanted to so i had to support him. My ds tried via facebook and got fed up of his dad ignoring his messages and being able to maintain regular contact...which seemed to stop after he seen him 2-3 times in 1 year.

My ds blamed me for him not being in contact with his dad as his dad fed him the bull of me preventing him seeing him etc. Ds soon realised when it was between just the two of them, that it wasnt me at all.
My ds is 13 and has blocked his dad on facebook now as it upset him at how easily his dad ignored him

Dd1 is 14 her biological dad up and left when I was pregnant. He got in touch when she was 3 and false promises of being a good dad led to intermittent contact for next 8 years. She has ended up with Camhs involvement due to rubbish relationship with him. She now refers to stepdad as dad and her decision was to break all contact 2 years ago with her biological dad, he didn't try to fix the problem. She is so much happier without him.

If I had known all those years ago the upset it would cause when he came back into our lives I would have told him to fuck off.

If these men wanted to be good dads to their kids they would have been there for them from day 1

My point is - if he hasnt been trying all of this time.to get in contact, then things arent going to change. Maybe for a few contacts.
That was damaging to my ds and ive struggled dealing with his behaviour since he had that contact

Thank you for all the replies. I know you are all speaking a lot of sense and I should probably leave it. I think there is still the naive part of me that is hoping some how he will have changed and be the amazing dad I thought he would be when I fell pregnant but that is wishful thinking! If he was that dad he would have fought more to have contact with his son.

It is ultimately your choice with whatever you decide. I think the important thing to keep in mind is his lack of effort so far.

Get a pen and paper and weigh up the pros and cons. Adding to it positive and negative parenting traits he has that you knew/know of.

My ds dad has a child with another woman now and he sees that child fairly regularly. My ds has met his half sister twice maybe and she is 8 now. So bare in mind that even if he is a parent to another child that might not make a difference to your ds