Access arrangements

[milkntwo]

My brothers ex has told him that contact arrangements will be changing to him having DN(6) every other weekend. I’m not sure if that meant Fri - Sun, or just one overnight. DB does not want this as he doesn’t want to go a fortnight without seeing him, obviously. Due to his job, he can’t have him during the week, as he doesn’t get home til about 8.30 at night. He is hoping this will change eventually, but it’s not imminent.

This is the latest in a long line of her calling the shots, changing plans, telling DN he can come home if he wants, etc. and I have repeatedly told him he needs to get access formalised. He is worried that this will backfire and a judge would grant her what she wants.

Is there a possibility of this happening? Or is a judge more likely to say they each have him one night of the weekend? E.g mums Fri night, dads on sat night?

Thanks.

Bump

For a child that is 6 years old, a judge might decide that alternating full weekends with each parent is better for the child than one night each weekend with each parent.

It depends on the particular facts / circumstances.

(NB - obviously I don't know the particular facts, so my points below are really just thoughts/ideas)

Your post makes clear why your DB thinks that one night each weekend is a better idea. But what reasons does, or could, DN's mum give for alternate weekends being a good idea? (also consider what DN's mum's lawyer might say)
For example maybe she thinks that it would be good for DN to have a regular Saturday night with her? clearly Saturday nights are nicer for a 6 yo child than Friday nights when they are worn out by the school week. They are also nicer than Sunday nights when they need to get ready and go to bed early for school. Maybe she thinks 2 consecutive nights each fortnight with dad is less disruptive for DN than 1 night every week? (this can be the case for children that find family transitions taxing or if there is a commute involved between mum and dad's place); maybe she thinks it would be easier for her to plan pleasant weekends for her and DN if they have 2 days/nights to flex around; maybe she would like to take a weekend trip now and then (this is in DN's interests if it leaves her more rested). Are there any step-siblings or relatives she is trying to co-ordinate with for DN's benefit?; does she need a full weekend for work or personal reasons (after all a happy, earning, and/or fulfilled primary carer is in DN's interests).

You say that DB cannot get home earlier than 8.30pm any day of the week. I can appreciate there may be a variety of reasons for this (some of them quite understandable), but it does indicate that he prioritises his work ahead of his 6 year old child. In contrast DN's mother might be prioritizing DN many nights of the week, even though it affects the jobs she is eligible for and her earning potential. If this is the situation, what DN's mum says about the child's best interests might be seen as more credible than what your DB says.

Have they tried mediation?
Maybe if they talk it out they could agree
Week 1 - shared weekend (friday night with mum)
Week 2 - shared weekend (friday night with dad)
Week 3 - weekend with mum
Week 4 - weekend with dad
Added to this - it could help to have an agreed date to review in say 4 or 6 months time (or earlier by agreement) so that neither feels unduly committed to a compromise that neither of them really wants.
It would also be sensible to ad an agreed time/s for Skype/facetime so that son and father see each other at least once per week.

Dad could point out that he is prepared to go to court to ensure he sees son regularly. Fair enough, but Mum could point out that if he's not prepared to adjust his working hours during the week, then he doesn't have a strong case for calling the shots on the weekends. Dad might point out that working long hours during the week helps the the child because he pays good child maintenance. (Of course if he has been dodging or paying very little child maintenance, he can't say this).

In the longer term, if Dad does adjust his working hours, they could then transition the above pattern straightforwardly to:

Week 1 - weekend with mum
Week 2 - weekend with dad
Week 3 - weekend with mum
Week 4 - weekend with dad
Plus weeknight/s seeing dad or staying over at his place, every week or if it suits the child better weeks 1 and 3.

What is the current arrangement? Your brother having the child every weekend does mean that mum has to do all the drudge work (homework, school runs) and none of the downtime/ fun part. Equally it sounds like your brothers late working hours mean that adding in a weekday evening visit isn't feasible. Assuming his late finishes also mean a later start, could he do a school drop off or two each week?

Thank you both. Lots to consider.

My brother has a one hour commute to and from work, so he leaves at 8am. He’s not been in the job long, and he does hope that eventually he will work more normal hours. He was paid off from his previous job which was more normal hours.

Ex doesn’t have any other DC to consider, but DB has two younger DC.

The two parents live 5 mins drive from each other.

Ex says she wants more time with DN now that he is at school and she is working.

DB would be more than happy to have DN all weekend at any time ex wanted to have a weekend away, etc, but he really wants to see DN every weekend, even if that’s just one night of ex’s choosing.